HILL BLOCKS VIEW IS DEAD.
...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. firstname.lastname@example.org
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tax evasion. That's what usually trips people up. That's how they got Capone, Wesley Snipes, Judas, and JFK.
Partially right, but no.
Selling rabid pit-bulls to blind people as guide dogs?
Is that why you pulled me over?
No. You did that?
(shamefacedly) No. (normal again) Is it because I used to serial murder clowns?
Never for that.
Is it because I used the Sisters of Everlasting Temperance Orphanage and Organic Garden as a front for my drug selling operation?
Is it because...(he counts things off on his fingers going over a list silently) ...I pee'ed in the public pool.
Everybody does that.
From the diving board.
'Cause, I am a philandering polygamist?
I don't put the toilet seat down.
(starts to pull out her gun, reconsiders, puts it back; through gritted teeth says) NO.
I don't dry clean only? I tear the tags off my mattresses?
Hmmh, Oh I know. Is it because I just robbed a bank and then had a running gun battle with the SWAT team and I was texting at the same time and I accidentally ran over a marching band during a parade and I didn't use my signal when I turned and I was speeding and I caused 42 major accidents and don't have insurance and I'm a middle aged white guy and I'm listening to hardcore gangsta rap?
At first, yes. But then I got a look at you, and I could tell that you're a complex troubled man with clear blue eyes and a cleft in his chin, and that the right woman could help you turn your life around.
What makes you think you can save me?
(huskily, she flips her hair and answers) I went to Catholic School.
I can't believe this scene didn't get filmed. Damn TV producers just don't know quality when they see it.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
After you attend our class you will be able to ride the bus without staring hollowly at the passengers and muttering under your breath about "slaughtering the sheep", instead you will be able to sit quietly and stare vacantly out the window, drawing no suspicion.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Did you know that if you build a super amazing playset for your kids, and then build an equally amazing box around it, in which you put a load of sand, and you live in an area that has a bunch of cats, that said cats will turn the sandbox into a giant litterbox? You just shut-up, you didn't know that. Really? You did? Well I wish you would have told me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
|ASK MR. TOPPER|
- J. Meares
That's nothing. One time I was building custom house from some rich hollywood type, I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Steve-in Freel-burg". The only tools I had were a hammer, a chisel and a piece of sandpaper. As I was re-creating the famous miracle stairs of the Loretto Chapel with handmade mortise and tenon joints, I accidentally biscuit jointed my ear to the wall. OW. It really hurt, I had to put myself out of my misery.
But, I didn't even have any nails, and I didn't want to mash my brains all over the place. So I pulled out my chisel and carved a regulation 16 penny nail out of scrap lumber. Then I placed the nail in the back of the my skull where the Medulla Oblongata is, (I studied brain surgery for a while - then decided I didn't want to work indoors) and expertly killed myself by driving a nail straight through my head with a single blow.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I haven't written since last Thursday, partly because I'm uninspired and partly because I got sidetracked in The Coffee Shop, the bloggers support/help site. (Damn you blogger-ites; or is it philes?) All the "how to blog" sites say that lists are an excellent blog tool; that they are easy and interesting. I don't get it, but who am I to argue with the experts?
|To Do List|
|FBI Most Wanted List|
|Twinkie's List of Ingredients|
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Last time I was in California, I found a little newspaper from San Luis Obisbo and I subscribed. This week it started running a column called "Ask Mr Topper", I love it. I think you will too.
|ASK MR. TOPPER|
Dear Mr. Topper, Did you hear about that guy who got trapped by a big rock in the desert and had to chop his own arm off? I hear they made a movie about it. That guy must be pretty tough, huh?!
- Sincerely, John B.
Dear John B., That's NOTHING. One time I was in a parking garage, after a day of back room poker, where I made 100K on one hand, (royal flush, baby) and I was putting the suitcase containing my winnings, in the trunk of my '65 Shelby Cobra, (Candy apple red; four hundred clear coats, it practically glows!) when a ninja, the mob had paid, sprang out and slammed the trunk on my hand.
When the trunk slammed on my hand I dropped my keys, under the next car. I went to get my authentic folding Japanese Katana out of my shoulder holster, (It's ceramic so I can carry it on planes, I pity the terrorist who tries to hijack a plane I'm on), so I could fight off the ninja and pull my keys to me, but just then the mob boys showed up and attacked me, en masse. I killed, like 50 of them, but they eventually overwhelmed me and took my keys, and my katana, then they started up the car and started dragging me out of the parking structure.
So, I used my Kung Fu (10th level Midnight-Black belt) and chopped my arm off at the wrist. Before I let go of the car, I cauterized my wrist on the tail pipe, so I didn't bleed to death. Then I ran back to the pile of dead guys, and chopped a guys hand off, whose hands were about the same size as mine. Then I ran to the nearest sporting goods store, it was about 5 miles away, and grabbed some fishing line and a hook and then I sewed that dead mobster's hand onto my arm. And now you can't even tell. And if I ever catch those mobsters, there is gonna be hell to pay, I can tell you that.