I'm A Masochist, And It Sucks.

How do you describe someone who willingly and repeatedly chooses pain? A masochist right? Except instead of chains and whips (isn't that what they use?), my soul gets pummeled with baseball bats and football cleats by Dolphins, Lobos and Red Sox. And I hate it. (Do masochists hate being a masochist?)
   "Well Flip," you say, "why don't you just stop?" Because I can't. I gave my loyalty to these teams, and I can't take it back. "That's borderline retarded", you say (unless you're really PC, and then you might just call me mentally challenged or stupid or pathetic or dummy poo-poo head <---this from my key kindergarden demographic.)
   I swear, I wish I could be more band-wagonish. Who's winning this year? Atlanta? I love Atlanta. The Orioles are going to win the World Series? I've always loved the Orioles. It would make my life, infinitely less painful. Or if I didn't care about sports at all. That would be great too! (If I was a little girl.) But I care. So I suffer.
   I'm just waiting for that wondrous day when my team comes through in the clutch and wins the Big One. And I can proudly proclaim, "That's MY team! I stuck with them through thick and thin!" And I can claim some small part of their victory. That wondrous, wondrous day that never, ever, comes.
   But I've just come up with a new idea that just might turn my fortunes around. If I proved to the Karmic Ether that I am a loyal dedicated uber-fan, it would be forced to grace my teams with heroic superpowers and they would reign supreme in their respective fields of competition. Surely Karma will reward me if I get a huge tattoo right in the middle of my chest declaring my love for my favorite teams. With out further ado, here it is, a Lobo riding a Dolphin while wearing Red Sox... TO VICTORY!

Artwork by my friend, the uber-talented Mike Cronce. Colors, by yours truly.

I Have The Kiss Of Death. And I Will Use It.

I have the proverbial kiss of death.

Before you get all excited and try and get me to kiss your loathsome ex, it only appears to work on things that I am a fan of; not on actual people. Also, it is not 100% accurate, occasionally an entity will be able to withstand my bad juju and prosper, but it is extremely rare.

With the exception of The Simpson's, I have killed all of my favorite TV shows. The following shows have succumbed to my awful powers: Herman's Head, Arrested Development, Sliders, Firefly, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Andy Barker, P.I., My Name Is Earl, Heroes (which I didn't kill off immediately, it became convoluted and painful to watch first), and Pushing Daisies. I'm sure there are hundreds more, but they died before their names were imprinted on my brain.

But sports is where my curse is the most painful. Not including the Red Sox winning in '04 and '07 (pretty sure somebody sold their soul to the devil for that one), my fandom guarantees that my favorite teams will suffer excruciating and inexplicable losses. The Red Sox had a NINE game lead this year with a month to go, and yet managed to gak it away. And that was just the start.

The local college football is the worst. No. Literally, the worst. Of all the Division I schools in the country, the Lobos are at the bottom. They have won two games in three years, and fired their coach mid-season, after losing to a much smaller school for homecoming. My favorite NFL team is equally cursed. The Miami Dolphins will also probably fire their coach during the year. And the Dolphins, who once went undefeated for an entire season, haven't won anything significant in 38 years.

Now, I am not just bitching, there is a point to all this. If you pay me a significant amount of money and let me know which TV show or team you hate the most, I will root for them and give them the dreaded flip's kiss of death. Fans of the New York Yankees, the New York Jets and the New Mexico State Aggies don't need to apply. I already curse their main rivals, pro bono.