Joshua 24:15 (Modern American Reality Version)

But as for me and my house, we will serve the lord... UNLESS: The people who need our help are ungrateful, or dirty, or drug abusers, or in prison, or the wrong political party, or gay, or not very nice, or they wear ugly sweaters, or have neck tattoos, or talk too loud, or are well off, or are just generally unlikable. AND if I am not too busy, or tired, or if I won't get noticed, or recognized, or awarded. AND if the weather is nice, and I feel good, and there isn't anything on TV, and my back doesn't hurt, and I'm not too busy. OR if I just don't feel like it.

A Black Eye For Christmas

This was my first ever post, lo these many years ago. OK, it was just two, but it seems longer than that. It was funny, and didn't get as many eyeballs on it as it deserved. Without further ado, I present...

Every year it seems I fail at Christmas. I always get the wrong gift; apparently you shouldn't give a pocket knife to a four year old. Or I get accused of being selfish. I honestly thought my wife would like a case of Natural Light (she sometimes has one of mine). But this year I am going to think this through and get my family gifts they will really like.
     First the kids. I can never tell what they are going to like. How was I supposed to know that fourth graders don't like Bob the Builder? Or that wearing a Dora sweater would get my son teased mercilessly? What I decided to do this year was to collect the toys that my children left lying around. Throughout the whole year I collected a boxful of toys, which I will wrap up and give to the kids on Christmas morning. I even used some duct tape to repair some of them. How can I lose? I give them toys I already know they like, and they get back their favorite stuff that they thought they had lost. That's a win-win.
     Now my wife hardly ever loses her stuff, so I am going to have to come up with original ideas for her. Maybe a mounted deer head will have to wait. Now first off, I know she hates vacuuming. So I will get her a new vacuum and make her life easier. That's good, but any one can use the vacuum (theoretically). I need to get her something that is just for her. Well... lingerie is just for her. I'll go down to that old Fredericks of Hollywood store and get her something SEXY. Yeah, she'll like that. But she's kinda self conscious about her figure, so I'll get her an AB Roller too. Man, I can't wait to see her face.