Why is that people whisper horses and whisper dogs and even whisper babies, but when they have a snake problem they get all freaked out and call exterminators and such. It's not right. Not that I'm advocating calling the exterminator when you have problems with your baby, I just think somebody should give the snakes a chance.
So I watched Snakes On A Plane, Anaconda, and Indiana Jones to get boned up on my snake lore. I found an online parseltongue site and learned the translation for "I am your friend", and "come with me and you won't be harmed". I watched all the video I could find of Kenny Stabler, Jake Roberts, and Bob Pliskin to improve my snake-ish moves. Then I printed up Snake Whisperer cards and waited for my first call.
A lady named Lurleen called and reported hearing slithering sounds under her porch. I sprang into action like a coiled up rattler. I was excited to save my first snake. I arrived at Oak Bluffs Mobile Estates and found Lurleen's place. I got out, gave my speech a practice hiss and slowly, as to not startle our guest, crawled under the trailer. It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, but gradually I began to make out what appeared to be a snake, rather on the largish side, staring at me.
I lovingly whispered good thoughts at the snake but he seemed to doubt my intentions because he just looked at me with his hateful dead eyes. I hissed affirmations about his worth and how he deserved to live out in the wild. Again he seemed to mistrust my meaning because he now began to slither towards me in what I can only describe as an angry manner. I made a last ditch effort to reassure him that I meant him no harm.