Our Hipster Goes To Eleven.

Oh you, droll little people with your indie bands and your foreign cinema and your alternative whatnot. How pedantic. "Oooh, I found this little band out of Rhodesia that no one has ever heard of; they are the next big thing... until they record something, and then they are sell outs, and I hate them." When you have reached the Nirvana of Ultra-Coolness, as I have, you will realize how misguided you have been. The secret is to go right past indie, alternative, and counter culture and come full circle back to pop culture, just enjoy it in a much more sardonic way than the ignorant masses could ever hope to.
     Don't shop at that little hole in the wall record store for some unknown punk band; instead buy a Justin Beiber album at Wal-Mart. The subtle genius of you buying drek like that, why it's too clever to pass up. And don't go to the local farmer's market and buy organic fair market free range soy micro brew IPA. That's so trite. Go to the local Super Center (conveniently located near you) and buy a 30 pack of Budweiser cans. Nobody would expect that from you, and if being a hipster isn't about keeping people off-balance, I don't know what it is about.
     Watching a Japanese web-toon of a zombie geisha ninja schoolgirl isn't fresh or sophisticated. Buying a box set of "Friends"; now that's complex. (Season 1-4, now on sale in electronics department for $19.99. Shop Smart. Live Smart.) And do you really think that getting a tattoo of your favorite BBC science fiction show is fresh, original, incisive, novel, or flippant? (Thesaurus at Wal-Mart.com) No, it's just cliche. And sad. It is much more ironic to buy T-shirts emblazoned with the beloved icons of years gone by. Captain Crunch, Kid Twinkie, Kurt Cobain, and other fictional characters from your youth, available in a variety of sizes on a 100% cotton/polyester blend in the men's department. (Buy one, get one, while supplies last.) What I'm telling you is; buying stuff makes you subversive and cool.

     The preceding message was brought to you by the disembodied soul of that ultimate hipster, Andy Warhol, official paid spokesman of Wal-Mart brand after-life.