Mr. Topper On Osama Bin Laden's Death



Ask Mr. Topper

 Dear Mr. Topper, Did you hear that Seal Team Six, snuck into Pakistan and killed Osama Bin Laden? Pretty cool huh?
  -  M. Cronce

Sure they did. That's what they want you to believe. Here's what really happened. The CIA called me last month and then I showed up at their secret base in Hollywood, that's where the money is. They had built a time machine. So then, I went back in time and fought off the terrorists with a paper clip and a stick of gum, that's all you can get through with in the time machine. So I killed all the terrorists but those guys that took down the trade center, it sucks but before I went back in time they blew up the whole city. But Osama had genetically engineered himself into a time travelling cyborg so I had to chase him through time, and then he joined up with Hitler and Stalin and they changed the course of history and enslaved all mankind and I had to fight them but I picked up a gun from a Nazi Zombie, (the first thing they created when they took over) but i removed his head with my karate death chop. And then I killed Stalin and beat Hilter to death with Stalin's big head, but Osama got away with a omega nuclear total annihilation bomb, so I had to follow him into Pakistan. But he jumped back through time so I only had my paper clip and my bubble gum again. But he didn't expect me to follow him so I made a crude slingshot with my gum and I shot him in the head and it shorted out his cyborg face and it blew up, which is why they say his face is destroyed, and then I disarmed the bomb, with the gum. Seal Team Six just swooped in to take me home. And we dropped the bomb in the water but Osama's body has been cryogenicaly frozen so they can study his cyborg weaponry.

    And that's what really happened.

Discovered a small paper from San Luis Obisbo, California.
I subscribed because it's awesome. All excerpts used without permission. 

Mr. Topper Kills Himself Way Better Than That Other Guy.

ASK MR. TOPPER

Dear Mr. Topper, did you hear about the guy who accidentally shot himself with a nail gun, decided it hurt so bad that he wanted to die and shot himself another 15 times in the head... and lived?!
  -  J. Meares

That's nothing. One time I was building custom house from some rich hollywood type, I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Steve-in Freel-burg". The only tools I had were a hammer, a chisel and a piece of sandpaper. As I was re-creating the famous miracle stairs of the Loretto Chapel with handmade mortise and tenon joints, I accidentally biscuit jointed my ear to the wall. OW. It really hurt, I had to put myself out of my misery.
     But, I didn't even have any nails, and I didn't want to mash my brains all over the place. So I pulled out my chisel and carved a regulation 16 penny nail out of scrap lumber. Then I placed the nail in the back of the my skull where the Medulla Oblongata is, (I studied brain surgery for a while - then decided I didn't want to work indoors) and expertly killed myself by driving a nail straight through my head with a single blow.

     I got better.

Mr. Topper on 127 Hours

Last time I was in California, I found a little newspaper from San Luis Obisbo and I subscribed. This week it started running a column called "Ask Mr Topper",  I love it. I think you will too.

ASK MR. TOPPER

Dear Mr. Topper, Did you hear about that guy who got trapped by a big rock in the desert and had to chop his own arm off? I hear they made a movie about it. That guy must be pretty tough, huh?! 

  -   Sincerely, John B.

Dear John B., That's NOTHING. One time I was in a parking garage, after a day of back room poker, where I made 100K on one hand, (royal flush, baby) and I was putting the suitcase containing my winnings, in the trunk of my '65 Shelby Cobra, (Candy apple red; four hundred clear coats, it practically glows!) when a ninja, the mob had paid, sprang out and slammed the trunk on my hand.

     When the trunk slammed on my hand I dropped my keys, under the next car. I went to get my authentic folding Japanese Katana out of my shoulder holster, (It's ceramic so I can carry it on planes, I pity the terrorist who tries to hijack a plane I'm on), so I could fight off the ninja and pull my keys to me, but just then the mob boys showed up and attacked me, en masse. I killed, like 50 of them, but they eventually overwhelmed me and took my keys, and my katana, then they started up the car and started dragging me out of the parking structure.

    So, I used my Kung Fu (10th level Midnight-Black belt) and chopped my arm off at the wrist. Before I let go of the car, I cauterized my wrist on the tail pipe, so I didn't bleed to death. Then I ran back to the pile of dead guys, and chopped a guys hand off, whose hands were about the same size as mine. Then I ran to the nearest sporting goods store, it was about 5 miles away, and grabbed some fishing line and a hook and then I sewed that dead mobster's hand onto my arm. And now you can't even tell. And if I ever catch those mobsters, there is gonna be hell to pay, I can tell you that.