I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Nerd, A Geek, or A Dork? Which Kind of Woman Repellant Are You?

I am so tired of people calling me a nerd. Really?! In this day and age we still feel the need to label and demean our fellow man? I thought we were beyond that. And besides, I am clearly not smart enough to be a nerd. I can barely program my own VCR. I am obviously a Geek. If you are not sure what you are, I submit the following quiz. Select the answer that most closely resembles you.

Pocket Protector = Nerd
Nerd - Currently studying quantum-physics and string theory, hoping to discover new dimensions.
Geek - Has seen Star Wars 567 times; once got in a fight (albeit a slap fight) over stormtrooper dialog.
Dork - Has glow in the dark stars on walls of bachelor pad. Or Mom's basement as some call it.

Nerd - Built own gaming computer, has LAN parties at Chinese friends house where they play World of Warcraft in mandarin.
Geek - Has every gaming console ever invented, plays video games during waking hours, (ALL waking hours); missed grandfather's funeral because it was on the same day they released the new Mortal Kombat, and intends to name children after characters from Final Fantasy.
Dork - Prefers a handheld gaming device, for portability purposes. The downside being that all saved data is lost if device is turned upside down and shaken.

State of the Art Gaming
Nerd - A Brief History of Time.
Geek - The Uncanny X-Men.
Dork - Turns on the sub-titles while watching The Simpsons.

Nerd - Blade Runner.
Geek - Star Wars.
Dork - Told by relatives to watch Napoleon Dynamite, because he acts and looks just like you.
Fanboy = Geek

Nerd - NASA, one of the National Labs, or possibly a university.
Geek - Comic book store, gaming store, otherwise they are on unemployment.
Dork -  Customer service, providing ample victims for stories about action figures and dislike of Lady GaGa.

Nerd - Acknowledge they theoretically exist. But, postulate girls might also be a race of mysterious aliens.
Geek - Chastity until Milla Jojovich is their pledge, and the women of the world gladly hold them to it.
Dork - Possibly married. Weak mind, strong back, makes for good husband. Probably didn't realize there were two sexes, until pleasantly surprised on wedding night.

Fanny Pack = Dork

Nerd - Fractals. Impressionists. Cubists.
Geek - Exclusively Star Wars and Mortal Kombat posters.
Dork - Velvet Elvis.

Nerd - Monty Python.
Geek - Monty Python.
Dork - Monty Python. The litmus test, if you love Monty Python; you fall into one of these categories.

Nerd - Create the software that allows them to exist.
Geek - Thinks all the blogs they read are stupid, frequently leaves comments telling said bloggers how stupid they are, and how much better they could do it, if they so desired.
Dork - Writes 'em.

Which column did you associate the most with? That is what category you most likely fall into. For instance I am clearly a Ge... no wait, Holy crap; I'm a DORK! Ah man, there must be some mistake. It's probably just that geeky dork that came up with this quiz. What does he know?

Friday, July 22, 2011

My Blog Is Broken.

Well it's the third week of July and I have completed exactly one blog post. My longest drought since I began writing at the first of the year. In the grand tradition of excuse makers of years past, I now submit some of my top reasons for not writing.

1) We switched internet providers and I am not smart enough to figure out how to get my laptop to recognize the new wifi. I tried introducing them, "Laptop this is the internet; internet this is my laptop, you know each other", but to no avail, they just stare at me blankly.

My blank stare has a little crazy in it.
2) My brain collapsed under the strain of trying to figure out how to connect my laptop to the new network. Not a pretty sight, ooze leaked out of my ears, I was drooling, and I'm pretty sure I wet myself. Basically a lot of bodily fluids were involved. Although in retrospect, it wasn't that different from most other days.

3) Instead of writing, I hang out at the coffee shop and talk about writing.

4) Those that can't, teach. I have been conducting a seminar with the local homeless meth addicts teaching them how to put their thoughts down. Everybody needs to find their voice; unfortunately their voice is gibberish about cleaning the toilets and alien mind control. Also they keep selling the computers.

5) I have been in a heated theological debate (read gun-battle) with several "Christians" who think that we should just kill all the sinners now and save God the time. I am also a Christian, I'm just pretty sure the bible teaches us to love people, not beat their brains in.

6) I am creating my Magnum Opus, a blog about Nerds, Geeks and Dorks, which will be so awesome that it will make you puke, but I don't think you are ready for it yet.

7) I have been busy watching every episode of Futurama one frame at a time, trying to collect evidence of Matt Groenig's evil plan to take over the planet, before it's too late.

8) I stuck my hand in a jar of M&M's and grabbed a handful. Then I couldn't get my hand out. And it was my writin' hand.

9) I had to thwart an evil plan, whereby Charlie Sheen would hook up with Lady GaGa, and the resulting crazy would be so intense that it would destroy the very fabric of this time space continuum and send us all hurtling into the chaos; which oddly enough resembles a 1940's Looney Tunes B&W cartoon.

10) It's summer. it's hot, I'm lazy. The internet is broken. The cat ate my wifi. Pick one. I promise to write more.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Several Of My, Previously, Unnamed Phobias

The fear that the fingergun I hold to my head to show the world that I am a complete idiot will one day accidentally go off and actually kill me.

The fear that the bathroom that was empty and safe moments before, will fill with Monsters the moment soap gets in your eyes. As if soap and eyeballs somehow create an interdimensional portal allowing every monster ever created to appear in your bathroom, simultaneously.

The fear everything you have thought in your life you have actually said out loud, but that you also have a memory disorder that stops you from realizing it.