I think I Just Solved My Money Problems.

Honey, our money problems are over.
Did you borrow money from your parents?
Nah, they're charging like 25 percent, compounded daily. And last time, I fell behind, and they sent over Guido to adjust my kneecaps.
I remember. I kinda miss Uncle Guido. I wonder what he's up to these days?
I don't know, I don't care. Guido's a jerk.
I understand you're upset. But he is your uncle, and he made the best cannolis.
He hit me with a tire iron!
I realize that. I'm sorry. So how did you solve our money problems?
I took out a "loan" from work.
What are you doing with your fingers? Did you just air quote, loan?

"Yes."
Did you just air quote, yes?
"Ye...
Knock it off!
Sorry.
So you took out a loan from work? How long do you have to pay it back.
I never have to pay it back. 'Cause I didn't take out a loan from work, I took out a "loan."
If you finger quote one more time, I'm going to finger quote you, right in the eyes.
Got it.
Now what did you do?
"I...

Without finger quotes.

I stole the cash box from my work.

Did anyone see you?

Probably. I took it at gunpoint.

Uhm...

Oh, don't worry. I wore a disguise.

I guess that's something.
Yeah. Sunglasses and a hat.
You wear that everyday.
Yeah, but I also wore this fake mustache.
That's just some fuzz.
It's a John Waters model.

That doesn't disguise you at all. It looks like you, with a piece of yarn on your upper lip.
But "I" would never wear something like this. OW! That hurt, I can barely see.
I warned you. So you took the cash box. Then what?
I jumped in my get away car and raced home.
And by your "get away car," great, now you've got me doing it. By, your get away car, do you mean your company van?
Eh...
The one you drive every day, that you take home every night, that the company gave you. That van?!
Uh... yes?
Amazing plan.
Thank you.
Amazingly stupid. Stupid.
That was uncalled for. Words hurt, you know.
No. That was exactly called for. And another thing, I didn't know your company had large amounts of cash laying around.
Oh yeah, we have this lockbox that we use to make change or to buy office supplies with.
The petty cash box. You stole the petty cash?!
I guess. I stole the only cash box we had.

The PETTY cash box.
Does petty mean an incredibly large amount, by any chance?
No. Insignificant. Small. Not substantial. Those would all be more accurate descriptions.
Damn. I'd better look.
You'd better hurry, I'm sure the local police will be paying us a social visit shortly.
Wow! Look at all that! You were totally wrong.
Those are mostly ones, you moron! There's like fifty bucks there.
We're rich!
No. We're the opposite of rich.
Unrich?
Poor, you moron! This is only enough money for one tank of gas, and now you're going to jail.
They'll never catch me. I'll make a run for the border.
I think the fifty cops on our lawns might beg to differ.
As long as I have you, I'm rich. Will you wait for me to get out of prison?
I might not wait for you to get out of the room. That SWAT guy with the sledge hammer isn't wearing a ring, and he's a looker.

Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs.

So my kids are getting to that fun age when they are really starting to interact. They don't just eat, poop, and cry all the time, they actually communicate. They are 9 and 11, respectively. And they are really into this newfangled game called Punch Buggy. How the game works is: if you see a Volkswagen Beetle, you say the color of the car and the word buggy and then punch the nearest person in the arm, and then you quantify it by saying, "no punch-backs", thereby prohibiting your opponent from retaliating. I don't like it. I'm terribly unobservant and I am always the one getting punched. So I have invented several other games that I might actually, occasionally, win.

   Hansel and Gretel: This game isn't at all like it sounds. First I take the kids miles from home and then I abandon them. See? Not at all what you expected.

   Here's Johnny!: In our family's version, we act out our favorite scenes from Stephen King's, The Shining. Specifically the 1980 movie version starring Jack Nicholson. The family especially likes it when I spend the afternoon getting bombed and then grab the ax. Oh you, silly.

   Low Hanging Fruit: This game mainly involves me holding food over my head and telling my kids they can eat, if they can take it out of my hands. This game was pretty one-sided until they started  punching me in the crotch and forcing me to drop said food. Evil little cheaters.

   The Quiet Game: Sometimes when you have kids and you are driving around town, the noise is almost too much to bear. I have found that the best way to control the volume is to play the game where you look menacingly into the rear-view mirror and then run full speed into a wall. The ensuing few precious moments of post accident quiet are worth the cost of sky-high insurance premiums.

   Harry Potter: This is the one where we brew up some homemade butter beer, put on our wizarding robes, get out our favorite Harry Potter DVD and then lock the children in the closet under the stairs, just like Harry.

   Because I'm Bigger Than You, That's Why: And lastly but not leastly, everyones favorite game. I punch my kids at random and then add; "no punch-backs. If you know what's good for you." I have had people suggest that this might be child abuse, but I explain to them it is only a game... and then kneecap them with a tire iron. Mind your own business, meddling jerk! If my children grow to be larger than me, this game will be phased out in favor of Because I'm older than you, that's why.

   So, Hopefully this has given you some good ideas for fun activities with your family. Or your friends. Or your coworkers. Or that crazy guy under the bridge near your work. And by work, I mean the bar you hang out at. And by friends, I mean your court mandated psychologist and parole officer. And by crazy guy under the bridge, I mean Sam the Mouthfoamer, that crazy guy under the bridge. Duh.

*The quiet game is attributed to a comment by Birga Alden.