Memorial Day and Overstated Valor.

This past weekend I hope everybody enjoyed Memorial Day. A day set aside to give honor to the brave men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice. As a veteran, I am glad I didn't have to pay that price.
   It also a good time to call attention to the terrible people who pretend to be veterans in some sick attempt to get attention. It is called Stolen Valor, and there are several organizations out there dedicated to exposing these wackos.
   But the VA has come up with a new designation, and I think they have overstepped their bounds. Recently the VA called and told me that I was guilty of Overstated Valor, and that I was no longer allowed to call myself a Decorated Combat Marine Veteran. I explained that I was in fact a Marine who had awarded citations and been in combat. They told me, and I quote, "barely."
    When I asked what that meant, they told me that I wasn't a very good Marine, that the war I was in only lasted for four days, and that furthermore, most of my ribbons were unit accommodations that I hadn't really done anything to earn. I told them that I thought they were being a little picky, and that I had bravely faced combat. They said that was called being young and dumb, with an emphasis on the dumb.
   Eventually their labyrinthine arguments and their threats to expose my browser results (like I'm the only person in the world who Googles "I love to punch kittens") forced me to give up the fight. But as a compromise they have generously sent me a replacement ribbon.

I wonder when Participant Day will be?

Things I Learned This Christmas.

Christmas is a time of giving and of sharing. And if you don't do it right, it's a time of yelling, and tears, and thrown cutlery. In an effort to help educate my gentle readers, I'll share with you some of the things I learned this Christmas. I'm the ghost of Christmas Oops.

If your wife gives you a coupon book of romantic things the two of you can do in the bedroom, you shouldn't regift that in the company gift exchange.

If the office Christmas party's dress code is business casual, they don't mean work from home business casual. They expect you to wear pants.

At ugly sweater parties, things are a slightly more casual, and the whole wear your pants thing is a little less strictly enforced. Just kidding, you totally still have to wear pants.

If you give somebody a gift of alcohol, you are expected to give them all of it. Apparently three beers of a six pack, or half a bottle of Champagne, or the worm at the bottom of a bottle of Tequila is not considered a quality gift.

Even the most died in the wool Republican will get their panties in a wad, if you try to employ trickle down economics with the money they gave you to spend on presents for the children.

Children are naturally excited and rambunctious during the lead-up to Christmas. You should deal with them with patience and kindness, and not by spiking their yuletide treats with Nyquil and Xanax.

A traditional Christmas meal can bring your family closer and be a special time for all. A bottle of ham flavored vodka and some candy canes is not technically considered a meal.

You should be gentle when explaining to your children that Santa doesn't exist. And not throw a road kill badger and a Santa suit into a wood chipper, and tell them that Santa owed money to the wrong people.

No matter how you try to explain it, getting wasted while singing Karaoke at the local dive bar is not considered caroling with the church choir.

I learned many other things this Christmas, but I'm dictating this, and my one phone call from jail is about to run out. Merry -click-.

Another on the list of things that might have been funny a month ago.