On Wednesday, Police in the quiet upscale town of Potemkin, California arrested 8 year old Jack Conners. Jack was booked into the Nebulous County Detention center. The DA plans on filing 30 counts of involuntary manslaughter charges against young Mr. Conners. In a statement to the local press, Capt. Drebin of the Potemkin Police Force, said that Jack Conners surrendered without a struggle. "We lured Jack out of the McDonalds playland with a four piece McNuggets Happy Meal. He had holed up in the ball pit after leaving the scene of the Massacre".
As Jack was led away in cuffs, the scrawny 70lb. kid in the Spongebob T-Shirt and mullet, hardly looked like someone capable of singlehandedly killing 30 people. The fact that this small, some would say uppity, community is overly concerned with letting others know they have small carbon footprints, led in great part to the massive loss of life.
The following account is pieced together from eyewitness accounts and what Jack told his court appointed counselor. The incident began shortly after 3pm, as Jack walked home from Steven Wright Elementary. Jack reports that after a bad day at school, he was just trying to get home and watch Phineas and Ferb, and eat some of his leftover Halloween candy, when events spiraled out of control.
The Starbucks near Jack's house was having a Free, Free-Trade Venti Vanilla Chai Soy Latte Day with purchase of a dog sweater, made by blind lesbian hemp farmers, for an impoverished dog in Central America, and the parking lot was full... of Smart cars.
It was a regular convention of socially conscious bumperstickers. "Obama" crowded "Free Tibet" and "Tolerance", "Random Acts of Kindness" rubbed shoulders with "eARTh", while "War Never Solves Anything" fought for space with "If You're Not Outraged". And all the Smart cars those bumperstickers were attached to, were lined up out into the street. And they were blocking Jack's path.
Jack waved to catch the attention of a severe looking lady driver who was blocking the sidewalk and tried to squeeze between her car and smart car in front of her, but she gave him a dirty look and inched her front bumper until it touched the "My Pomeranian is smarter then your honor student" on the bumper in front of her. Jack tried to climb over, but she laid on the horn and called him "a mindless little piece of consumer white trash".
It was all too much for Jack, he snapped. Jack stomped his feet and clenched his hands and then gave the offending car a good stout, eight-year-olds push. The driver's smug look gave way to surprise, as her car tumbled across the parking lot. It might have ended there, but the next car in line accelerated into the vacant spot, and the sidewalk in front of Jack was once more blocked.
What came next, was a grisly ballet of fire and crumpled metal, as a frustrated eight year old took out his aggression on pretentious fifty-year-olds and their ridiculous deathtraps.
When it was over, the green movement had 30 less patronizing, bitter followers. And a young man's life will never be the same.
