Confessions Of A Middle-Aged Lurker.

 

CONFESS!
To what? What do you want? Why am I here? Why are you shining that bright light in my face? Why am I handcuffed to this chair? ...Are these fuzzy handcuffs?
Well, yeah. The cop supply store was out of regular handcuffs, so I had to go to the adult store.
They're very comfy. Do they only come in pink?
I know aren't they? Yes, that's all I saw. I'm thinking about trying some RIT dye. Maybe a nice macho Black or something.
That would be nice. Or maybe just save the pink for the girls and do blue for...
...for the guys, yeah I was thinking about that too. Great idea.

Thanks.
Great minds and all.
Yeah. Now, where were we?
Oh yeah. CONFESS!
To what?!
You know.
I don't. Honestly. I'm a little confused, the last thing I remember was looking at Facebook. And then I woke up here. I've never done anything to anyone. I'm innocent.
You make me sick.
Are you sure it's me? Maybe you ate something.
Shut up. You rebel scum.
Ooh, Star Wars. Nice.
I know, I know. Sometimes my geek shows through.
Oh don't I know it, I can't tell you how many times I've quoted Monty Python or The Princess Bride.
"I do not think that word means what you think it means."
Hahahaha.
Hahahaha... Can I go?
Hahahaha.
Seriously.
Haha... No. Not until you confess.

OK. I don't always wash my hands after I pee.
Ewww. Gross. I wonder if you can dry clean fuzzy cuffs?
I don't pee on my wrists.
Whatever sick-o. But that's not it.
What then? What?!
You have been accused of the heinous crime of... lurking.
What?! No no. That wasn't my fault. She left her blinds open, and I just happened to be taking a walk on the 4th floor fire escape. It was an total accident.
Not peeping. Lurking.
LARPing? Only once when I was a teenager, my friend convinced me hot babes would be there, but it was only Gretchen from the chess club and Androgynous Pat. It was a total bust, I never went back. On the plus side, we did get to go to IHOP afterwards, and I ordered the Rutti Tutti Fresh and Frutti, but I was too embarrassed to say it so I just wrote it down on a piece of napki...
ENOUGH! Not LARPing (dork.) LURKING. Lur-king. Luuuurkiiing.
Does that involve baby oil, a twister board and... never mind. What's is lurking?
Lurking is when you sneak around your friends on social media sites and never say anything.
That's a real thing?
Very real. And you violate it every day. You're a heinous offender.
Serious? No. But... no. No.
Yes. If I was to start a conversation and you just listened in and never said anything, wouldn't that be considered rude?
Well yes. But Facebook isn't like that. It's just people posting a bunch of crap they found on the internet. It's not like a conversation.
You should know this better than most, Mr Graphic Artist. Isn't visual information, pictures and drawings, non-verbal communication?
No, I, uh... It could be.
So, your friends and acquaintances are trying to have a conversation with you, you just stare at them blankly and drool on yourself. You disgust me.
I didn't know. I didn't think of it as a conversation, I thought of it as billboards on the highway. Not something I had to comment on.
Is that so? Do you put things on Facebook?
No. Never. Not usually. Only my blog...
What was that?
My blog posts.

Speak up. I didn't hear you.
My blog posts.
Oooh, the mighty author posts his ART on Facebook. Do people comment?
Yes. Sometimes.
Do you like their comments?
Of course I like them.
No. Do you like them?
What? Press the "like" button? No.
Too high and mighty for that, eh?
No, it's not like that see? They don't care if I like it.
Oh really? And how else do they know if you have seen their comment?
It's the next day?
Too lazy to click a little button, eh?
I didn't know.
How do you feel when people don't respond to your comments.
Empty inside. Dead. So cold.
Is this a joke to you?
No. Yes. A little.
Is it funny when you post something and you don't get a response?
No. But that's different. I actually WROTE something. I didn't find it; I created it.
So. How is that different to the woman who wrote about stupid bosses or the guy bragging about his exercise regimen?
It just is.
Says the arrogant jerk.
I'm not.
You are a no good, two-bit LURKER.

I'm not.
LURKER.
OK, OK, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I promise to change my evil ways and honor Facebook in my heart, and try and keep it all the year.
You promise?
Scout's honor.
You were never a scout.
How do you know? Who are you?
It's me. Bobby. Your best friend, I figured you would have gotten that by now.
Dude, what the hell?! I couldn't see you with that friggin' light in my face. Why are you doing this?
Because I can see when you are on Facebook and you never say anything about MY stuff.
Oh well, I never comment on your stuff because, I don't know how to respond to it.

Well you start typing under the my post where it says your name, and...

No. I know HOW to. Just not always HOW to.
Wha?!
For instance, you posted something about being bored. If I like that, am I saying that I "like" that you are bored? That's just weird. Maybe they should have a button that says, "ambiguous", or "I saw this, and have no opinion on the matter."
You're a moron.
I guess, but that's getting to be a lot of buttons.
Again. What?
One that says "like", one that says "ambiguous", one that says "you're a moron", and one that says "I saw this, and...
N0. YOU are a moron.
OK. "YOU are a moron." Plus I don't think anybody will click on that button, that's kind of a mean thing to say to your friend.
I give up. I'm outta here.
Uh, dude. Hey Bobby, can you undo the cuffs first? Bobby, come back, I'm sorry. I don't "like" this anymore. BOBBY!

I think I Just Solved My Money Problems.

Honey, our money problems are over.
Did you borrow money from your parents?
Nah, they're charging like 25 percent, compounded daily. And last time, I fell behind, and they sent over Guido to adjust my kneecaps.
I remember. I kinda miss Uncle Guido. I wonder what he's up to these days?
I don't know, I don't care. Guido's a jerk.
I understand you're upset. But he is your uncle, and he made the best cannolis.
He hit me with a tire iron!
I realize that. I'm sorry. So how did you solve our money problems?
I took out a "loan" from work.
What are you doing with your fingers? Did you just air quote, loan?

"Yes."
Did you just air quote, yes?
"Ye...
Knock it off!
Sorry.
So you took out a loan from work? How long do you have to pay it back.
I never have to pay it back. 'Cause I didn't take out a loan from work, I took out a "loan."
If you finger quote one more time, I'm going to finger quote you, right in the eyes.
Got it.
Now what did you do?
"I...

Without finger quotes.

I stole the cash box from my work.

Did anyone see you?

Probably. I took it at gunpoint.

Uhm...

Oh, don't worry. I wore a disguise.

I guess that's something.
Yeah. Sunglasses and a hat.
You wear that everyday.
Yeah, but I also wore this fake mustache.
That's just some fuzz.
It's a John Waters model.

That doesn't disguise you at all. It looks like you, with a piece of yarn on your upper lip.
But "I" would never wear something like this. OW! That hurt, I can barely see.
I warned you. So you took the cash box. Then what?
I jumped in my get away car and raced home.
And by your "get away car," great, now you've got me doing it. By, your get away car, do you mean your company van?
Eh...
The one you drive every day, that you take home every night, that the company gave you. That van?!
Uh... yes?
Amazing plan.
Thank you.
Amazingly stupid. Stupid.
That was uncalled for. Words hurt, you know.
No. That was exactly called for. And another thing, I didn't know your company had large amounts of cash laying around.
Oh yeah, we have this lockbox that we use to make change or to buy office supplies with.
The petty cash box. You stole the petty cash?!
I guess. I stole the only cash box we had.

The PETTY cash box.
Does petty mean an incredibly large amount, by any chance?
No. Insignificant. Small. Not substantial. Those would all be more accurate descriptions.
Damn. I'd better look.
You'd better hurry, I'm sure the local police will be paying us a social visit shortly.
Wow! Look at all that! You were totally wrong.
Those are mostly ones, you moron! There's like fifty bucks there.
We're rich!
No. We're the opposite of rich.
Unrich?
Poor, you moron! This is only enough money for one tank of gas, and now you're going to jail.
They'll never catch me. I'll make a run for the border.
I think the fifty cops on our lawns might beg to differ.
As long as I have you, I'm rich. Will you wait for me to get out of prison?
I might not wait for you to get out of the room. That SWAT guy with the sledge hammer isn't wearing a ring, and he's a looker.

What THEY Don't Want You To Know About Inspirational Quotes.

Dance like no one is watching.
Unless you are into interpretative dance, and you like to dance in your tighty whiteys and you are at a wedding for your cousin twice removed at the local country club. Then you should just act like people, and possibly the authorities, are watching.

If you love somebody set them free. If they come back it was meant to be, if they don't they were never yours to begin with.
Although... There is a thing called the Stockholm Syndrome, so if you keep them hostage long enough, they could come to sympathize with your plight and become emotionally invested in your future and fall in love with you, (your chances are better if you have some grand sounding mission statement), and that could work out also. I'm just sayin'. And if not you could collect a ransom for them and then you would be rich and infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex and you could retire to a tropical paradise with a sexy gold digger, and that's nearly as good.

This picture doesn't go with the text, but I can't resist giving some love to my favorite vampire movie. 

Until you love the person in the mirror, you can never truly love anybody else.
This is terrible advice for Vampires; they don't have reflections. If you are a vampire you should just forgo the whole mirror thing and just love people. Except for the people you eat. You probably shouldn't love them. That would be awkward. It would be like when I say I love beer, but my beer had emotions and reciprocated my feelings of affection and then I ripped off it's head and drained it's lifeblood. I would feel weird after that. Also, in this modern age you probably don't really need mirrors, you could just watch yourself on streaming video and that's almost as good. The point is, you should just love yourself. And others. Unless you plan on consuming them.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

If you are trying to do something unbelievably complex like building a time machine or curing cancer or solving pi to infinity, this is an admiral quote. If not, you have definitely failed... BIG TIME. Perhaps it's just not meant to be for you. You should just give up. I mean, ten thousand times?! Wow! That is a lot of failing. You are just a big bundle of fail. They will probably name a church after you in the future; Our Lad Of Perpetual Failure. Face it: you suck. Of all the people who have lived and failed in the entirety of human history, you are the fail-iest. Even a really big failure, will have failed; what like a thousand times? Two thousand maybe? Three thousand tops. But ten thousand? Holy crap! I mean what the hell were you thinking?! Have you always been this bad at stuff? You should just go to your local hospital and volunteer to be put in a medical coma, to stop you from failing anymore. (Providing you could even find it, Mr Failey.)

Be sure to join us next time, when we delve into the Road Less Travelled. Spoiler Alert: two words; pungi pits. 

Gerald Decides Trainspotting Was More Fun Before They Acquired Klingon Cloaking Technology.

Gerald Decides Trainspotting Was More Fun Before They Acquired Klingon Cloaking Technology.

This is my submission to the  Dude Write December Flash Fiction Contest. Check 'em out.

How To Throw An Office Christmas Party.

Come in and sit down please. No, sit on a chair. Thank you.
What's up, bossman?
Do you know why I asked you in here?
You want me to buy into your lucrative Multi Level Marketing elbow polish business?
What?
I don't know, I was just guessing.
That was the weirdest guess I've ever heard.
It's a good idea though, right? How come nobody ever thought of that before?
Because it's stupid.
Stupid? Or genius?
Stupid. Unbelievably stupid.
So you don't want to buy into MY elbow polish business?
That's not a real thing.
It is. Haven't you noticed how young and supple my elbows are?
I haven't. And I don't want to talk about elbows. I want to talk about the events of earlier today.
To which events would you be referring to?
You really have to ask?
So, the office Christmas party then?
We don't have office Christmas parties.
Until today. That par-tay was off the hiz-ook.
If by off the hiz-ook, you mean it was highly inappropriate, then yes it was.
What was inappropriate about it?
For one, you were dancing naked on the reception counter.
I wasn't naked.
Just because you were wearing a lampshade and a mistletoe belt buckle, doesn't mean you weren't naked. And just where did you get a lampshade from?

I brought it from home. I thought it would add to the holiday ambience.
And you didn't find this behavior in any way inappropriate?
I just wanted you to take the stick out of your proverbial you know what, and loosen up. It's a Christmas Par-tay.
There is a reason we don't have Christmas par-tays. We work at the Jewish Medical Center.
Uh-huh.
The JEWISH Medical Center.
I don't see the problem.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Everybody celebrates Christmas. It's a worldwide thing, like the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving.
There are so many things wrong with that statement. Listen, the Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Why not? Wasn't Jesus a Jew?
Oh my goodness. Listen. Jews just don't celebrate Christmas. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
So... OK. I shouldn't have had a Christmas Party at the Jewish medical center. Can I go?
Not yet. There's more. What is the department we work in, at the Jewish Medical Center?
The rehab department.
Correct. Knowing that, do you think it was appropriate for you to replace the water in the water cooler with everclear?
You always spike the drinks at an office party.
This was NOT an office party. It was a Monday.
It turned into a FUN-day.

All of our patients are in relapse, thanks to you.
They all seemed pretty happy to me.
They don't want to be happy. They want to stop drinking. And now most of them are puking in the trashcans.
Happily puking. That's the mark of a good party.
Additionally, half of the staff are passed out in the break room, and the the others are involved in a spirited round of some sort of combat karaoke.
They're involved in a team building exercise. Plus, fighting AND singing? They're totally multi-tasking.
Do you ever say anything that ISN'T stupid?
No. I mean, yes. Wait, what? I'm confused.
Never mind. Finally, let's get to the matter of Miss Nussbaum.
There is nothing the matter with Miss Nussbaum, if you know what I mean.
The matter concerning Miss Nussbaum and the phone.
Oh that. Tradition sir.
I am not aware of that tradition.
You know, sir. In the movies, there is always that one hot female employee that sits on the copier and makes copies her butt, to pass around. Well, you have the copier locked up in your office, so we were just going to take pictures with a phone and then send ourselves a photo message and then print it off of the computer printer.
Very industrious. But unless I'm a little unclear on this, the photo isn't supposed to be of the inside.
Well no. But Miss Nussbaum was rather thirsty today and partook of the holiday spirits rather liberally and fell whilst taking the aforementioned picture.
Just so you know, at the moment, she is in the Emergency Room getting the phone surgically removed.
Lucky we're close to an emergency room.
That's not luck. We work at a hospital.
Well at least she was drunk.
I sincerely doubt she would be in this predicament if she wasn't drunk. You realize I'm going to have to let you go, don't you?

Oh sir, you can't do that. Especially not around the holidays.
And that's another thing. What holidays? It's the middle of June.
That means it's Christmas in, like, Australia or something.
No, it doesn't. Please find your clothes and get out.
Whatever. You're a total scrooge.

What Do You Think I Am, Some Kinda Fairy?

Oh my goodness. Do you need some help?
Why? Because I'm a fairy. Or, just because I'm old?
Uh... no.
You patronizing me, you little sissy?
No sir, I uh... it just seems that your struggling with that a little.
You just think I'm some kinda old pansy don't you son? Some weak ass old flamer that can't handle a little bit of weight.

I didn't think that at all.
You're just going to come down here and and help the old feeb. You with your fancy pants, and yo...
They're just Dockers.
What?
They're not fancy. They're just Dockers, Levi's makes 'em. I think.
You with your fancy pants and your ridiculous shoes.
They're just shoes.
Fairy shoes.
Loafers.
Might as well be wearing high heels, son.
Whatever, you old kook, I'm leaving.
To your boyfriend? You Pooftah.
Listen you jerk of an old man, I just wondered if you needed help. You obviously don't. So just lay there under that fridge and be hateful.
Oh, I suppose I'm getting crushed by a fridge because I'm a fairy?
No. Because it's crushing you.
Maybe I'm just taking a nap.
Under a fridge?! You're not even sleeping.
I might be.
You aren't. What is your problem?!
I don't have a problem, you pansy.
I would say you have tons of problems. The least of which is the fridge that is crushing you.
Oh, is that your professional shrink opinion, Dr. Pansy Pants?
You're a pathetic a*hole.
An A*HOLE?! You can't even say ass? THAT is pathetic. You are an even bigger girl than you appear to be.
I'm leaving.
Can't handle the heat can you?
The heat?
The fridge heat.
Fridges are famously not hot, jerk face.
Ooh, aren't you smart? Little Miss Nerdy-kins.
Are you actually trying to bully me while you're being crushed?
I'm not a bully. You dork.
Why don't you just intimidate that fridge off of yourself? Bully.
I tried. It didn't respond.
Maybe you weren't mean enough. Did you question it's sexuality or insult it's mother?
Yes. It didn't even budge.
You're a sad, sad, man. Here, let me push this off of you. 
Ugh. Thanks, Geek-a-rella.
You ungrateful ball of hate. Goodbye.
Wait. Let me at least buy you a drink.
No thanks. The last thing in the world I would do, is spend another second with you.
C'mon. There's a bar just around the corner.
No, I have to go to... somewhere. Somewhere that isn't here.
Be a man, you little sissy.
Goodbye. 
Wait. So if you ever change your mind, the bar is called "The Manhole" and I'm almost always there.
Isn't that a gay bar?
Yeah.
You've been using gay slurs on me this whole time.
So? Oh, I get it. Now you think I'm all gay, just because I'm all gay?!

Taxi!
Hey, come back! Why are you running away! Come back here, you pansy!



After the urging of hundreds of my readers, and by hundreds I mean tens, and by tens I mean literally that one guy, I will submit this to Dude Writes. http://dudewrite.blogspot.com/

You Like Me. You Really, Sorta, Kinda, Maybe A Little Bit, Possibly, In A Small Way, Like Me.

Aubree at Akashic Aisles: The Basement View; (http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com) nominated me for a Leibster Award. (Excuse me while I go look up akashic... Ooh, it's Sanskrit for aether. Cool. I will definitely check out your blog now.) Anyway, Aubree nominated me for the Leibster Award, where I am three for three, three nominations, three years, three wins. Or maybe only two, I get confused. I may not get be getting paid, but at least awards make it all worth it. Unless you want to pay me, then I'll give back my awards, and go back to using the mantle as a place to put pictures of my kids, the little felonious ruffians. 
   The rules of winning are, you have to be nominated. Check. You have to nominate others, and you have to answer questions from your nominee-er... and you also have to come up with questions of your own? Damn. No, it's as easy as pie. But, more like buying a pie, not like making one, 'cause that is way harder, unless of course it's a pie where you just pour the pudding mix into the pre-made pie crust, that's sorta easy. Just like this.

1.) Do you consider yourself to be super-duper fly? Sorta. I'm a self deprecating, narcissist. Half the time I can't believe I'm not the King of the internet, and half the time I can't believe I managed to make it through the day without being exposed as a fraud. Inside I'm just an insecure little girl. But less manly. And somehow still pretty awesome, like Perry Farrell.

2.) What is your favorite reality show? I used to watch the first couple weeks of "Idol", and I've seen a couple episodes of "Survivor" over the years, and I'll watch "Chopped" if it's on, (just so you know, it's a misnomer, nobody ever loses body parts like the title suggests,) but I really like my shows to be scripted, I love good writing. Especially on a funny sitcom. That being said, I love sports, which are the original reality shows, so I guess Sports would be my answer. 

3.) Do you fear that the Apocalypse or Armageddon will occur in your lifetime? Like the Zombie Apocalypse? If it does I'll probably end up being a zombie. But, I'll be the best Zombie I can be. Just in case, I am going to have a steak and see if my wife wants to fool around on the 20th.

4.) What is one of your top three favorite quotes of all time?

1) She turned me into a newt. I got better. -Monty Python
2) I'm picking out a thermos for you. -Steve Martin
3) ...and that's when I developed my drinking problem. -Airplane
4) I do not think that word means what you think it means. -Inigo Montoya
5) It is also one hell of a thing to get hit with in the small of the back. -Douglas Adams

...and to explain my poor counting ability, I leave you with:

6) then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. -Monty Python

5.) Who is your Favorite writer? Douglas Adams. And The Monty Python crew. Steve Martin. Dave Barry. Tolkein. Card. King. William Goldman. Greg Garcia. 



6.) Can you recite any movie in its entirety, and if so, which one? The Holy Grail. The Jerk. Airplane. Not correctly of course, which really pisses off the Nerd-Nazi's. Who demand that you are exact, or they freak out and start hyperventilating. It's kinda fun really. Try it. Say something like "It's merely a flesh wound", and the nearest nerd will have a seizure of righteous indignation that you dared misquote a line. 


7.) What one person has most influenced your life thus far? I guess my Grandma. She was loving and kind... and funny. When I asked her where I came from, she told me "a crow crapped you on the fence, and the sun hatched you." When she needed a haircut she said, "I either need a haircut or a dog collar." The first time I watched Monty Python was at her house, she was awesome.

8.) What is your favorite childhood memory? Walking the mile and a half to my grandma's trailer so I could watch saturday morning cartoons. The good ones, like the original Looney Tunes, Laff-A-Lympics and Scooby-Doo. (OK, I know Scooby-Doo sucks in retrospect, but at the time it seemed so awesome!) 

9.) Why do you blog? I'm just waiting for my big break. One day some comedic writer is going to stumble across my blog (I'm talking to you Greg Garcia) be amazed at my talent and hire me. In the meantime, I'm trying to find my comedic voice. (So far my comedic voice is a gay nasally Bobcat.) 

10.) What is the most terrifying thing to ever happen to you? I remember that one time that I caught on fire and I thought I was going to die.  That was pretty scary. Yeah, that's probably the one.

And finally, number 11) Do you wipe front to back or back to front? yes.

Now to nominate people. First the triumvirate of evil. Or Axis of Awful. Or the three consistently funny blogs that I read that also almost always comment on my stuff. You guys are great, but don't feel obligated to participate. 

http://www.pickleope.com

http://chiz-chat.blogspot.com

http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com

http://www.abeerfortheshower.com The new guys to me. (I know where have I been?) And I think they are beyond small awards like this.

http://stuffsammisays.blogspot.com I have always liked Kevin and his writing, back since The Coffee Shop days.

Also, also. I am a fan of Shay, who doesn't need another Leibster. Workingdan who doesn't like awards. The crew at Sinquiry. Violet and Drone who rarely post anymore. Petite and Cowgirl who never post anymore. My cousin Jonathon at Troy Town who is a talented writer and also Josh Meares who is incredibly intelligent and spiritually authentic.

I HAVE TO COME UP WITH QUESTIONS NOW? Are you sure this an award?

What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Boobs. What's not to love?

If you had a time machine, and you could have dinner with anybody in history, would you wake me up last Tuesday so I won't be late anymore?

If you live in a glass house, would you take up curling?

Who is your favorite Vlad?

Juggling cats: Healthy animal bonding or animal cruelty? 

Does this look infected to you?

Is it OK for a man to cry? What if he just lost a limb? But then what if he just never shut-up about it? OK, OK, we know you lost a limb. Get over it, that was like 90 minutes ago. Fricking baby. Don't you hate that?

What color banana hammock do you prefer? Corral, watermelon or a peachish pink?

The Utah Jazz?

Shouldn't Olivia Newton John just officially change her name to Olivia Neutron Bomb?