Naked Japanese. (Chef.)

The idea of using naked girls as serving platters for sushi has been around for awhile. But my concept is totally different, in my concept the chefs are naked. And it's teppan and not just sushi. And my chefs are Sumo wrestlers.
   The excitement and danger of the teppan experience is raised tenfold as the chefs dance around the sizzling teppan table, knives flashing, and parts flapping. You'll be amazed and ask yourself questions like: Where was he hiding that spatula? Has he showered recently? How does he avoid cutting that off?

 

Mermaid Modifications.

People are totally in love with mermaids again. I haven't seen this much mermaid love, since everybody in the world named their daughter Madison after Darryl Hannah in Splash. There has been people buying into mermaid hoax videos and just a general fascination with all things mermaid. But for the first time in history, instead of just dreaming about mermaids, you can be one. Come to Flip's Mermaid Modification, and we will turn you into a mermaid.

   It's a simple 36 hour surgery where we simply saw a dolphin in half, and graft the bottom half to where your legs used to be. Shark lungs and gills complete the procedure. And then you can frolic in the ocean to your hearts content. And the best part? No more pants. Assuming you survive the operation. That nobody has survived yet. You'll probably be the first.

Laugh Prescription.

Laughter is the best medicine, but do doctors ever prescribe it? No! Because they're in the pocket of the big pharmaceuticals companies. Before now, there wasn't anyplace to go and get your supply of sweet healing laughter.
   I changed all that. Now you can come to Flip's Laugh Dispensary and I will take all of your worthless western medicine and exchange it for valuable chuckles. Give me your Vicodin, Oxycotin, and Codeine and I will trade you priceless knock, knock jokes and invaluable punchlines.

Koala Knife Fights.

It’s impossible to find good animal based entertainment these days. Michael Vick gave dog fighting a black eye, and PETA has done their best to take the fun out of everything else, from cock fighting to monkey chainsaw battles. But I think I might have just found a solution to my doldrums. Taco Bell has recently decided Koala and Eucalyptus burritos are actually pretty unpalatable, and now they have to unload a herd of surplus Koalas.
   What I know of Koalas I learned online, it seems that they are a cross between a piranha and a wolverine. I’ll start an underground koala fight club and sell tickets to watch and bet on the bloodbath. I’ll tie knives to their already dangerous paws and throw two of the bloodthirsty little bastards in a ring and let them fight it out. The victor will eat the heart of the loser. If I could just get them to wake up.

It's the cold dead eyes.

Jeopardy Champion.

I have always loved Jeopardy. There is just something about a competition pitting brain power that is appealing to me. And I would love to be on the show, but unfortunately I was facing one minor setback. I couldn't think my was out of a paper bag. I am just really, really, not smart. Me being on Jeaopardy with two other contestants would be me bringing a knife to a gun fight, or possibly me bringing a pointy stick to a tank battle.
   But what I lack in brains, I make up for in determination and sneakiness. First step, I set about to find some dirt on the contestant admissions coordinator. Turns out he was easy to blackmail, just slid him a couple of pictures of him on the "Fluffy Farm" from down in Mexico. Wow, that was way easier than I planned. I was on the show. Next step, win some money.
   The day of the show arrived, and my two competitors were the Wonder-dork twins. A man and a woman separated at birth, doctors or something. My plan was going to work out perfectly. When the first answer was read, I managed to buzz in before the others. And said loudly and confidently, "What is, I will punch the other contestants in the throat if they buzz in before me?"Alex told me that was the incorrect response, to the longest river in South America.  Nobody else had a guess. When the next answer came up I again buzzed in first and proclaimed, "I will give you such a titty twister." as I looked into my competitions face. Again, wrong. The question was actually "What is onomatopoeia?"The other contestants fidgeted uncomfortably, but didn't answer.
    That is when I started to realize that my plan had a fatal flaw. Even though I had stopped the other contestants from answering, I didn't know any of the right responses. I was going in the hole every time I opened up my mouth. By the time the first commercial break happened I had a negative $10,000. I would have to intimidate Trebek.
   After the commercial break, Alex comes over and asks the contestants some random crap about their boring stupid lives. "So you like to make collages out of soda caps?" "I hear you once saved an entire school bus full of children?" And then he got to me. "So… you're a troglodyte." And I said "What is I'll stab you in the face if I don't get some easier questions Trebek?" The words were barely out of my mouth when Alex's spinning back kick smashed into my face. Apparently, Alex is a ninth level blackbelt in Ninjitsu. About the same time my competitors found their nerve and I was hit with a taser from one side and mace from the other.
   When did nerds get so violent? Needless to say, I didn't win. I was drug off the set and dumped unceremoniously commissary dumpster. But the best part is that I am now an part of Jeopardy lore, and if you ever get on the show and they want to know who the worst contestant ever was. Flip McFliperson is the answer. Or the question. Or whatever.

*Also; I hate J. Here are some of the topics that I chose and then rejected as my J entry for this year, several that I even wrote several paragraphs for. Jell-O Artist. Jarhead. Juggalo Society And Culture Editor. Juggler To The Stars. Jerk Lessons. 
   Ugh, J sucks. I move that we strike it from the alphabet. 

Idiots For Books For Idiots.

Books for idiots have sold alot of books: probably like 50 or a gazillion, i'm not sure, i'm not very good with my letters and other math stuff but, they sure do right alot of them - they're are book for idiots and computers and book for idiots on internets and a book on the world white web and other book for brain's surgery and like 7 other one. Literally a tons; And up until last day i worked they're for money; i worked in that part of the place that was inside and they told me two red the book too sea if i understand it; that taked two long for those yelly guys and sew they readed it for me but not in there heads; and then that guy with shoes and that other guy that also had shoes axed me if i was infirmed about the subjects they had told me; i told them i still wasn't sure how too put a log into the top of my lap with a puss wart? They says I am isn't as smart as a idiot, and kicked me outside of the inside part; then after they told me I wasn't gotten any monies from them but gave me a book for instead; they telled me i should read the words inside of the book before i do other stuffs.

Helmet Safety Inspector. or PETA Gives Me A Headache. or Monkey Business.

I had this really sweet job. I made sure helmets were up to current safety standards. Chippy put on a helmet, I stood a safe distance away and pressed a button. A 50lb. weight dropped on Chippy's head, and if  he was unharmed the helmet passed inspection.
   And then PETA got involved, and now I have to quit because of my chronic headaches. Stupid PETA.