Undercover Cop.

This didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. At least it's all documented on Facebook, so maybe I can figure out what went wrong.

But that is how it ended. Perhaps I should go back to the beginning.

Tarantula Toupée

For many men balding is inevitable, but the alternative is a terrible rug, that people make fun of at every occasion and that flies off at the slightest provocation. The hair often doesn't look real; and even shortsighted discount geishas can tell the difference between cadaver hair and actual hair from a living being, and if you're wearing one of those, well, no sexy for you.
   That's where my latest innovation comes in. We harvest the largest and hairiest Tarantulas from South America, and ship them to you, to wear as replacement hair. Not only does your new hair look natural and realistic, but it won't be dislodged in adverse weather. It's the first toupée that will bite onto your skull to remain in place. (Mild facial paralysis is not unheard of, but usually abates within hours.)
   Your significant other will love running their hands through your new hair, if the tarantula allows. And if anybody dare make fun of your new "rug" they will suffer dire consequences; they probably won't be laughing at your arachnid coif, after your new friend lays spider eggs in their sinus cavity.

Safety Instructor.

There are two ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way, and my way. And that makes me a perfect safety instructor. Because you know what they say, those that can't, teach. And my can't reaches levels that most people could only dream of. What you do is hire me to come to your business and I will assess your potential safety pitfalls. If there is a way for somebody to injure themselves at your place of business, I will discover it.
   I, myself, am responsible for at least thirty ridiculous warning labels on products currently on shelves. The, Do not use a hair dryer while taking a bath? That was me. The, Don't drop or otherwise abuse your propane torch, or you might catch fire and possibly die? Me also. I am also responsible for warnings about rolling forklifts, juggling live grenades, and climbing out of moving vehicles.

   Could somebody accidentally get their heads caught in a chair? If somebody tries to break into your business, could they get caught upside down on a fence by their pants, and pass out as the blood rushes to their brain? Could an idiot break his leg trying to do a flip off of the roof of your place of business? Hire me and find out. (The answer is yes on all accounts, by the way.)

Roller Derby For Blind Obese Nudists.

Sometimes even the fringe sports, which strive to be inclusive, sports for the disenfranchised, allow well deserving people to fall through the cracks. For instance, disc golf is terribly unfriendly to transgender quadruple amputees. And water polo won't bend it's rules and allow people that can't swim that suffer from agoraphobia to compete. But I aim to rectify this injustice in a least some small measure.

   So I found the must underrepresented group in history, and formed a roller derby league for them. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a hit, if I could get more people to sign up. But if the Gustafson twins, the only people to sign up so far, are any indication, it is gonna be the most amazing sport ever.

Question Nobody Asked; Answered. (The Cheeziest Q Ever.)

Question: I wonder where flip has been?

Answer: MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS! Uhhmm… I meant, here, I drew you a pretty picture. 

Parkour Middle Age Introductory Class.

The first time I saw somebody free running I was amazed. It was one of the coolest things I had ever seen, and I wished I had known something like that existed when I was a kid. I had run obstacle courses when I was in the Marines, but the whole flipping over railings, vaulting picnic tables and running up walls was totally next level. Shows like Ninja Warrior only made me more excited. And if I was stoked about it, I'm sure there were other middle aged guys feeling the same way. But I guess we missed the boat on this craze, we were just too old.
   Or were we? Maybe if I had a class that introduced Parkour to oldish fellows, I could learn some tricks and make some cash at the same time. Old guys have disposable cash, and guys never think they're too old for dangerous stuff. I'll just download some YouTube Parkour videos and then me and my class will try and replicate the stunts in the video. What could go wrong?

Epilogue. A lot could go wrong.
1) I lost half the class on the first stunt; jumping over the hood of a car. But that was mostly my fault, if I would have been paying attention I would have noticed the cars in the video were stationary, and not attempted this on the local highway.
2) When jumping over walls, it is important not just too make sure that you can clear the wall, but also what is on the other side, and that you are not, for instance, jumping into a guard dog training school.
3) We probably shouldn't have picked the Hell's Angels family picnic to practice table vaulting. They were a might perturbed when we knocked over all the molded Jell-O desserts.
4) Jumping from apartment building to apartment building is probably best left to the professionals.
5) An incorrectly timed rail jump is an excellent and cheap method of DIY vasectomy.

Occupied!

So say you're a young liberal and you really want to protest stuff and change things, but you can't take off from work because you have bills to pay, coffee and craft beer to drink, and fun things to do besides if you don't work you'll lose your nice stuff, ordinarily you would just sigh heavily and fire off an angry email to your senator, but now you can have all the civil disobedience with none of the inconvenience of sleeping on the sidewalk, lifting up heavy things to throw through windows, eating bad food, and getting maced by cops. Simply sign up with OCCUPIED! and we will take over the organization of demonstration. We will plan your anarchy for you from start to finish. You can show up for the Angry Sign Media Event or or watch the entire event from the comfort of your downtown apartment or local art studio/ coffee house. Sure it won't be cheap; a full fledged conflagration costs $250K, but change doesn't come cheap, literally. Sign up today and get free rabble rousers and graffiti vandals for the climactic police clash. You'll be doing your civic duty and still get to catch that local indie band you've just discovered you've always been a fan of.

For our conservative friends, we offer essentially the same package, except there is less throwing things through windows and more American flags and patriotic pandering. And everybody is armed.

Please make sure to specify which package you are interested in, so we make sure to compare the right person to Hitler.