Resolutions Are SO Last Year.

I was going to write about my resolutions for the coming year and then I realized it's already the middle of January. Which means my 2012 Is Really Gonna Be My Year post is just a little non-topical right at the moment. I guess I never actually followed through on the no more procrastination thing, which was number forty-two on my 2011 list. And then I realized, it is so ridiculous to keep pumping out these lists year after year, because they always disappoint when failure inevitably comes.
    And then I remembered that saying about history not needing glasses... looking back is better if you don't have an astigmatism. You know what I mean, the hindsight got lasik, one. Whatever. So this years list will look back over last years events and retroactively adjust my resolutions to accurately match up with last years accomplishments.

I hereby resolve to:

1. Bring the passing out in public with no pants on, numbers down, from an all time high of thirty-three, in 2012, to a much more respectable thirty-two and a half. A reduction of almost an entire number.
   
2. Learn my children's names. Except for that new one. His name is all tricky, like Bob or something. I don't care what my wife says, the next one's name is gonna be simple, just like his brothers and his sister, wwwdotbabynamesdotcom. 
3. Stop smoking. Even more to the point, stop being on fire entirely. It's not as peaceful and relaxing as one would think. 
4. Continue to pursue gender equality, and not rest until the day that it is perfectly acceptable for me to tell female celebrities that I love them and I want to bear their children, and it won't seem weird. 
5. Stop spending every spare hour in front of the TV. I need to unplug and get out into the great big wonderful world and watch some internet videos on my tablet while driving down the freeway. 
6. Join one of those wannabe Bootcamp fitness places that forces you to get in the best shape of your life, which rather inconveniently happens to be in Sudan, and undertake a rigorous regimen of activity, which honestly has a lot more to do with defeating superior forces with homemade explosives and improvised weapons of mass destruction, than getting your physical body in shape, although in fairness there is some excellent at gun-point-exteme-cardio conditioning runs and some really top notch one-on-one-kill-or-be-killed-death-match classes.
   
7. Finish that great American novel that I started and put to the side because of school and jobs and then started again and stopped again because of family commitments and then Mexican prison and kept starting and stopping and never was able to finish, and it's been years and it's time, just finish it! Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy-oh screw it, I'll wait 'til they make it into a movie. 
8. Stop being a drug mule. Or at the very least rethink my all the drugs-you-can-fit-in-my-various-orifices-for-one-low-low-price promotion.
   
9. Instead of buying an actual iPhone with Siri, save the money by screaming questions at my not-smart phone at the top of my lungs until people upset with my annoying, repetitive questions look up my queries on their smartphone and tell me who starred in Streets Of Fire, or where the nearest Thai/Swiss Fusion Restaurant is, just to shut me up.
10. Work with a certain modern poet and singer and convince him that he needs to be more gregarious and in your face. Even if he has to be down right self aggrandizing and outrageous he has got to tell people about himself and how great he is, because dammit he's better than Shakespeare and sh*t, and now he's got a baby mama to feed. 
    
11. Finish this particular blog post.