I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Thursday, January 31, 2013

I think I Just Solved My Money Problems.

Honey, our money problems are over.
Did you borrow money from your parents?
Nah, they're charging like 25 percent, compounded daily. And last time, I fell behind, and they sent over Guido to adjust my kneecaps.
I remember. I kinda miss Uncle Guido. I wonder what he's up to these days?
I don't know, I don't care. Guido's a jerk.
I understand you're upset. But he is your uncle, and he made the best cannolis.
He hit me with a tire iron!
I realize that. I'm sorry. So how did you solve our money problems?
I took out a "loan" from work.
What are you doing with your fingers? Did you just air quote, loan?

Did you just air quote, yes?
Knock it off!
So you took out a loan from work? How long do you have to pay it back.
I never have to pay it back. 'Cause I didn't take out a loan from work, I took out a "loan."
If you finger quote one more time, I'm going to finger quote you, right in the eyes.
Got it.
Now what did you do?
Without finger quotes.
I stole the cash box from my work.
Did anyone see you?
Probably. I took it at gunpoint.
Oh, don't worry. I wore a disguise.
I guess that's something.
Yeah. Sunglasses and a hat.
You wear that everyday.
Yeah, but I also wore this fake mustache.
That's just some fuzz.
It's a John Waters model.

That doesn't disguise you at all. It looks like you, with a piece of yarn on your upper lip.
But "I" would never wear something like this. OW! That hurt, I can barely see.
I warned you. So you took the cash box. Then what?
I jumped in my get away car and raced home.
And by your "get away car," great, now you've got me doing it. By, your get away car, do you mean your company van?
The one you drive every day, that you take home every night, that the company gave you. That van?!
Uh... yes?
Amazing plan.
Thank you.
Amazingly stupid. Stupid.
That was uncalled for. Words hurt, you know.
No. That was exactly called for. And another thing, I didn't know your company had large amounts of cash laying around.
Oh yeah, we have this lockbox that we use to make change or to buy office supplies with.
The petty cash box. You stole the petty cash?!
I guess. I stole the only cash box we had.

The PETTY cash box.
Does petty mean an incredibly large amount, by any chance?
No. Insignificant. Small. Not substantial. Those would all be more accurate descriptions.
Damn. I'd better look.
You'd better hurry, I'm sure the local police will be paying us a social visit shortly.
Wow! Look at all that! You were totally wrong.
Those are mostly ones, you moron! There's like fifty bucks there.
We're rich!
No. We're the opposite of rich.
Poor, you moron! This is only enough money for one tank of gas, and now you're going to jail.
They'll never catch me. I'll make a run for the border.
I think the fifty cops on our lawns might beg to differ.
As long as I have you, I'm rich. Will you wait for me to get out of prison?
I might not wait for you to get out of the room. That SWAT guy with the sledge hammer isn't wearing a ring, and he's a looker.