Zero Gravity Vacations.

Dear "Space Commander Flip,"

    I am writing to demand a full refund of my $1000. I recently watched the video of my Zero Gravity Vacation and it confirmed my suspicions that I had been duped. I knew the price was too good to be true, but the draw of space overcame my good sense.
   When I returned from my journey I was ecstatic, but as I came off of my euphoria I began to doubt my memories. Why you actually sent a video that exposes your fraud is beyond me. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not in fact go to space, but that I was drugged and the subject of a crude charade.
   The Tang you served me when I arrived at your "camp," was undoubtedly laced with some form of hallucinogenic, most likely LSD, and the events that transpired thereafter were choreographed to deceive. Here are the major infractions, as I see them.
•  I now see that my spacesuit was in fact tinfoil, and the helmet was a regular cardboard box, with eye slits cut in it.
•  The space ship was a white Pontiac Montana with USA painted on the side. You simply drove me around your neighborhood, while listening to Space Oddity.
•  The "Hot Alien Babe" I was getting cozy with, was in fact some sketchy meth head painted green, with few teeth, wearing antennae, in a silver bathing suit. (I should've known this one was too good to be true.)
•  The space walk was a particularly egregious offense, you tied me to some weather balloons and launched me into the atmosphere. How is that safe?

   In conclusion, please return the full amount I paid for this bogus adventure, or I will be forced to turn you in. Also, do you know if the green woman is currently dating anyone right now? If she isn't, would you please give her my phone number?

Sincerely,

Lloyd Adamson

YAZOO®. The First Non-Pickpocketable Wallet In History.

When you travel the question is often; where do I store my valuables? My cash? My passport? My keys? And credit cards?
   Traditional wallets beg to be pickpocketed. Hotel safes are only as safe as the employees aren't corrupt, plus you don't have your valuables on your person. And worst of all there is the fanny pack, the dorky alternative that is sure to draw the derision of all the locals, marking you as a rube and a fool. What to do?
   Now with the YAZOO® patented wallet, you simply place your valuables inside of the handy dandy ergonomically designed YAZOO® Wallet, slide the wallet into the organic pocket mother nature provided for you, and the thieves will never stand a chance. You'll rest assured knowing you have your possessions in your possession, and that they are completely safe and as close as the next restroom.

X Marks The Spot Unisex Light Up Underwear Briefs.

Whisper-A-Gram.

The novelty message market is glutted; there is stripper-a-grams, and rap-a-grams, and dance-a-grams, and… uh, there's others. OK, maybe not glutted, but there's a lot. The one thing they all share is they are loud and annoying. But what the person you want to A-Gram works in a library or hates loud noises? That's where Flip's Whisper-A-Grams come in; simply give us your message and tell us who it goes to, and one of our rehabbed ex-cons will surprise your recipient with a unique and subduedly fun greeting.  

Vulture Protection.

Now before you get the wrong idea, I am not talking about saving endangered vultures, or birth control for vultures, or even human condoms from Vulture brands. No, I am talking about the scourge of the pet vulture world; dirty carrion covered vulture heads.
   Now nature has done it's best to try and alleviate this problem by providing the vulture with a bare head that the sun can bake dead flesh off of; but nature doesn't hold a candle to good old American latex rubbers. Simply place a Vulture Condom on your pet vulture before he goes off to feast on road kill. When he returns, simply pull off the bloody sheath, and you can can nuzzle your friend without tasting the decaying skunk he had for dinner.

Undercover Cop.

This didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. At least it's all documented on Facebook, so maybe I can figure out what went wrong.

But that is how it ended. Perhaps I should go back to the beginning.

Tarantula Toupée

For many men balding is inevitable, but the alternative is a terrible rug, that people make fun of at every occasion and that flies off at the slightest provocation. The hair often doesn't look real; and even shortsighted discount geishas can tell the difference between cadaver hair and actual hair from a living being, and if you're wearing one of those, well, no sexy for you.
   That's where my latest innovation comes in. We harvest the largest and hairiest Tarantulas from South America, and ship them to you, to wear as replacement hair. Not only does your new hair look natural and realistic, but it won't be dislodged in adverse weather. It's the first toupée that will bite onto your skull to remain in place. (Mild facial paralysis is not unheard of, but usually abates within hours.)
   Your significant other will love running their hands through your new hair, if the tarantula allows. And if anybody dare make fun of your new "rug" they will suffer dire consequences; they probably won't be laughing at your arachnid coif, after your new friend lays spider eggs in their sinus cavity.