Tarantula Toupée

For many men balding is inevitable, but the alternative is a terrible rug, that people make fun of at every occasion and that flies off at the slightest provocation. The hair often doesn't look real; and even shortsighted discount geishas can tell the difference between cadaver hair and actual hair from a living being, and if you're wearing one of those, well, no sexy for you.
   That's where my latest innovation comes in. We harvest the largest and hairiest Tarantulas from South America, and ship them to you, to wear as replacement hair. Not only does your new hair look natural and realistic, but it won't be dislodged in adverse weather. It's the first toupée that will bite onto your skull to remain in place. (Mild facial paralysis is not unheard of, but usually abates within hours.)
   Your significant other will love running their hands through your new hair, if the tarantula allows. And if anybody dare make fun of your new "rug" they will suffer dire consequences; they probably won't be laughing at your arachnid coif, after your new friend lays spider eggs in their sinus cavity.