Graffiti Spell Checker.

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Fire Prevention Expert.

As one of the small percentage of the population that has actually been on fire, (You just called me a flamer, in your head, didn't you? Real original. Like I've never heard that one before.) I feel obligated to inform the public on the benefits of not being on fire. For a small fee, that you can pay at some later date, I will now give you some handy fire safety tips.
   If at all possible, one should refrain from lighting ones self on fire. It is a fairly uncomfortable experience. You, if you are anything like myself, will not care for it very much. To recap: You, good. Fire, good. You on fire, not so much.

Please make checks in the amount of forty-two gazillion dollars, payable to flip "don't burn me bro" mcfliperson.

   

Elevator Operator.

I was at my court mandated therapist's office the other day, and I couldn't remember what floor I parked on. I thought, it sure would be nice to have an elevator operator in this elevator to tell me which floor the ground floor was. I wonder why they did away with elevator operators? I bet many people, like me, would love someone to have pleasant small talk with while being guided knowledgeably and confidently to their destination. I could do it, I have lots of spare time now that Nickelodeon is no longer running a four hour power block of Full House episodes. I bet people would even tip me.
    I love the idea of bringing back the old time glamor, but not the uniform that accompanies it. Every since I was a young lad in the Girl Scouts, I have had an aversion to uniforms. I think in my new elevator operator gig, I will dress a little more informally. Sometimes elevators are SO hot! If I'm working on one of those elevators, I'll wear a banana hammock. But you can't walk through a lobby wearing a speedo, so I'll wear a raincoat until I get to the elevator. I'll even dress up for special occasions, for instance at the start of hockey season I'll wear a hockey mask. This is gonna be great.

DIY Dentistry And Doctory.

If there is one thing that people are always complaining about, it's how much everybody hates hipsters. But another thing that people really don't like, is the high cost of medical care. Doctor and Dentist visits are expensive. People often have to choose between medical care or 80" plasma TV's, or gold plated Prius's. It's sad really, having to give up the necessities of life, just because some doctor wants to live in a house.
   But now with the internet, and this brand new emerging site called YouTube, it's possible to take care of yourself from the comfort of your own home. I'll set up a channel where people can view DIY videos for free. I'll make millions selling ad space; it's a no-brainer. I'll have several some short videos covering some basic procedures. There is wart removal, tooth extraction, blood drawing, basic anesthetics, Dremmel teeth cleaning, liver transplants, root canals, basic brain surgery, and lastly, advanced sex change.
 

Card Shark.

You won't find a pokier face anywhere. 

I was flipping through the channels one late night when I stumbled across a show featuring a bunch of indoor sunglasses, earphones and hoodie wearing guys taking other peoples money. And it was legal!     

   Hey, I like wearing sunglasses inside! (Yes, I'm am just that douchey.) And I like taking other peoples money, especially if I can't go to jail for it. I found my path to riches! I decided to become a card shark. 

   To become a card shark, you need two main traits; the ability to count cards, and a good poker face. Check and check. thirty-nine times out of forty-two I can count to fifty-two. AND nobody has a pokier face than me. My nose is pokey, my chin is pokey, my stubble is pokey, hell; even my cheekbones are pokey. I am gonna be the best card shark ever.

*UPDATE: It didn't go well. Evidently, everybody knows there are fifty two cards in a deck. And even worse, some of those guys almost seemed to know what cards had been played. And having a pokey face didn't help out at all. For some reason those other guys always knew if I had a good hand or not. It was almost like they could read the expressions in my face or something. My poker career is over. It's probably just as well, I never once got to yell "UNO!" or "go fish!"

Before And After Body Double.

I still fit into my Marine Corps uniforms from almost twenty years ago. I basically have the same body I've had since high school. (Unfortunately that body got me voted "most likely to actually be a 14 year old girl in disguise," by my classmates.) I came up with a plan to make my scrawny body work for me.
   Before and after pictures are a staple of both the weight loss and body building industries. They feature pictures of clients before they use the program and then their wonderfully transformed bodies from afterwards. But the dirty little secret of the industry is, they charge WAY too much, and more to my point, sometimes the before and after pictures aren't that different.
   That's where I step in. If you needed a guy to stand inside a pair of fat pants, after some supposed miracle weight loss, but really the guy only lost three pounds and that was mostly from the food poisoning he caught while indulging at the local all you can eat taco and sushi bar, I'm your guy. Or if you need a guy to stand there looking skinny and nerdy in the before picture of one the late night infomercial muscle building programs, so the bruiser that usually just looks more tanned and oiled up in his before and after picture, actually looks transformed, I'm the guy.
   My plan would have worked too. If it wasn't for my unfortunate birthmark. I was born covered from wrist to ankle in a Yakuza style tattoo. Damn you genetics.

Author Of Best Selling Book. Reasonably Good Selling. Marginal Seller. Poor. OK, I Haven't Sold A Single Copy.

When I decided to attempt the A-Z challenge this year, I thought about coming up with an original concept that would entertain my readers while helping me stay focused for a month of everyday writing. Then I decided; why start now? I've never entertained readers, and I've never been original, or focused. Last year I wrote about all the jobs I've had, looking for my fortune. And this year will be no different. (Maybe a little different. I mean this year has a 13 in it's title, whereas last year didn't.) 

   When I thought of all the jobs I could list for the letter A, author wasn't the first thing that came to mind. It isn't as glamorous as some of the other A jobs I've had, like amateur gigolo, (which oddly enough, didn't pay anything) art model at a nudist colony (not needed, they claimed), or apocalypse insurance salesman (impossible to collect on, I was told), but it is the one that encompasses all of the others. On their own, those experiences are just failure after failure; a mans dream of becoming a thousandaire slowly dying.

   But, put those experiences in a talented writers hand, (my mom says I'm talented.) and they become chapters in a sure to be best selling book, I'm Not Rich. You Can Be Too. The story of a young man who wasn't afraid to work. (Too stupid? Possibly.) 

   For too long they have been writing books FOR Dummies and FOR Idiots. I say that it's about time we turned the tables 360º on them. I'm Not Rich. You Can Be Too. will be the first in the new line of books to be published in the Books BY Idiots series. Which will quickly be followed by Books BY Dummys, and the cheap knockoff Boks BY Morans. 

   Order now. Well not now, now. It isn't finished yet. Kinda not even started, if you want to get right down to it. But when it's finished, I'll be a famous author. I'll sell literally tens of books.