Giraffe Detangler.

It is common knowledge that giraffes have the longest necks in the animal kingdom. Long and skinny... and bendy. And everyone knows that unattended long, skinny, bendy things, inevitably manage to tie themselves into knots. Exactly like the earbud cords from your iPhone.
   And it thus follows that giraffes are constantly getting their necks all tangled up. Since I've never seen a giraffe all pretzeled up, somebody must be unknotting them. And those somebodies are probably getting paid handsomely for their detangling skills. But whenever I go down to the zoo, to let them know I know what's up, and that I want a job, because I can untie a giraffe with the best of them, they always pretend they don't know what I am talking about, and claim that giraffes don't suffer from this malady and that I should leave before they call security. Selfish bastards, I know that they just don't want to share with me. But if your giraffe is suffering from a snarled neck, call me. My rates are totally reasonable.

Fear Therapy Will Cure What Ails You.

Americans spend literally bazillions of dollars every year on therapy and drugs to treat various mental maladies. We are a neurotic and fearful lot. Psychologists and Psychiatrists study for years and charge insanely exorbitant prices to help alleviate our fears. Many people can't afford to be cured.
   What if I told you there was another, cheaper, option? Come to me, and I'll fix you right up. Sure, I don't have any of the training, but I only charge half as much. And I'm relatively sure that my therapy is just as effective. Probably.
   Through my patent pending fear therapy we get you to address your fears and then conquer them with support and understanding. For instance, if your biggest fear is clowns, we will put you in a relaxing room full of soft pillows and peaceful music, and then a half naked clown wielding a chainsaw will bust in through the wall and attack you. As you struggle for your very life your brain will develop strategies that will help it overcome it's baseless fear.
   And if you are having abandonment issues, OCD, or Agoraphobia, we can help as well. We simply put you in a relaxing room full of soft pillows and peaceful music and then a naked clown will attack you with a chainsaw. Because; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Elbow Polish For The Young Supple Looking Elbows Of The Stars.

What separates you from your favorite celebrity? Aside from the restraining orders, and the unnecessarily violent and aggressive bodyguards, (Yes, I'm talking about you Bruno, stomping on my man parts while pepper spraying my face, was uncalled for, There are unwritten rules, man.) and the talent, and the reality shows, and the looks, and the "accidentally" released sex tapes, and the plastic surgery, and the ceaseless drive to be in the public consciousness?
    That's right! Young looking elbows. That's why I came up with Flip's Elbow Polish. With liberal applications of our patent pending polish, your elbows will soon have that confident appealing look of all todays hottest Hollywood elbows. Goodbye dingy, yellowing, scuffed, aging, discolored elbows. Hello new, sparkling, taut, shiny, perfect elbows. Before long you'll be mistaken for Scarlett Johansson.* Possibly.** And your life will be perfect, limited guarantee.*** Not for use on knees, shoulders, knuckles or ankles.****
   Order yours today. For only 42 simple payments of $49.99, you can purchase 2 ounces of panacea. And start rubbing elbows with the stars.

*Not an endorsement, Scarlett Johansson does not use Flip's Elbow Polish. Probably. But she does have very nice elbows. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. I mean I don't think it's possible for them to be that nice without enhancement. But if she say's she doesn't use elbow polish, we'll just have to take her word for it. (Flip's Elbow Polish.)
**Most certainly not.
***Not guaranteed in any way whatsoever. 
****No, seriously. If you use Flip's Elbow Polish on knees it will cause a rift in the space time continuum that will bring about the end of life as we know it. 


Here is the first time that elbow polish made an appearance in HILL BLOCKS VIEW. How To Throw An Office Christmas Party.

Dirt Nap Arranger.

For millennia, mankind embraced Mother Earth as healer and nurturer of our very essence. We slept in her bosom and she protected us and gave us sustenance. And in return we gave her offerings of love and respect. And then the mysogensitic Industrial Revolution happened and we left Gaia behind for the violence and vain insubstantiality of machines and technology. And in return we reaped, fear and hate and war. And despaired. Yet our Mother still yearned for us to come back and rest in her loving arms.
   And that is why I opened Earth's Loving Embrace, Dirt Naps. Where for a relatively small amount of worldly currency, you can come to my restive peaceful secluded patch of land and sleep as we were intended to, in an earthen hole, surrounded by the warm smells of roots and clay and loam, in the grasp of our benevolent matron/nurturer.
    That is why, Mr Tony "The Face Stabber" Lianuzzi, that I do not feel that you are entitled to a refund. Just because you hired me to give Lenny "The Back-Stabbing-Turncoat-Snitch-Dirty-Meatball-Scumbag-Lying-Weasel" Tortelli, a Dirt Nap, and he declined, it is not my fault. If your friend does not feel the need to get back in touch with his primitive feminine side, there is nothing I can do. What do you expect me to do, force him at gunpoint?!
   Speaking of guns, do you know some gentlemen from Efbeyie? There have been some rather severe looking men in solemn attire sniffing around lately, asking a lot of questions. Those testosterone laden jackboots, seem to think we are involved in some nefarious dealings.

Cardinal Richelieu, Your Way To The Top.

As far as I can tell Cardinal Richelieu, was a rock star. Rich, powerful, and influential. He's long dead, he probably won't mind if I be him. Now I'm not smart enough to learn French, but because of my lifelong love affair with Monty Python, I can affect an outrageous French accent. And I look pretty good in a goatee and pointy mustache, or at least good in a douchey kind of way.
   So I shaped my facial hair, converted to Catholicism, decided I couldn't wait to work my way up the ladder, changed my name to Cardinal Richelieu, bought a really fetching robe and practiced some diabolical phrases such as "Teach him a lesson... teach him to die, Buahahahaha," and "Can I get a cup of coffee please, cream and sugar, Muahahahaha." And then I set out in the world to wield my unholy power.
   Turns out there is still a fortune to be had by a fake Cardinal meddling in the affairs of government, these days. I started with the generous amount I got from the local council, and all I had to do was clean up after their weekly meeting and I cleared $20. And the library kicked me back, all I could drink coffee, for simply putting books away in my spare time. My big score came about in a particularly seedy back room deal, whereas I got some money from a government construction contract, and all I had to do was dig ditches for sixteen hours a day. BUAHAHAhahahaha.

Beekeeping Should Be Sweet.

Honey is one of the best things in the entire world. I love to smear it on toast, or stir a tablespoon of it into a cup of tea. But the price of honey these days has just gotten ridiculous. Those fat cat beekeepers are just sitting back and getting rich off of my sweet tooth. But no more. Instead, I'm going to raise my own bees. I can have all the honey I want, and sell what's left over. It's a win/win situation.

    If an ant can lift one hundred times his weight, a bee can probably make a hundred times his weight in honey everyday. That's probably about a cup. So fifty bees should about cover my daily use. And then I just need another fifty bees so I can have some liquid gold to sell. 

   I set out to the park with a glass jar, and had an easy time catching the first bee. I just scooped him up and closed the lid. But the second proved more difficult. Every time I opened the jar to catch the second, the first flew out. I'm gonna need more jars. 

   After several weeks, I finally had my hundred bees, in a hundred jars. I want my bees to be free range so I set them up in my spare bedroom and took the lids off of the jars. The bees buzzed about, exploring their new territory. I gave them some empty honey bottles to fill and sat back and waited. 

   Nothing. Not one drop on honey. Lazy damn ungrateful bees. I spent all this time, rescuing them from the streets and giving them a nice roof over their tiny heads, and this is how they repay… Wait a minute. Maybe they're not like chickens, maybe they're like cows. They're not gonna just fill up the bottles themselves, I'm gonna have to milk them. Silly me. 

   

Acrobatic Circus Performer.

One summer, as young men are wont to do, I ran away to join the circus. I wanted to see the world and earn my fortune. But after only a couple of hours my wife and kids tracked me down and dragged me back home. Walmart had called them and told them that I was hanging out in the camping section rambling on about circus tents being smaller than I'd imagined.

   So joining the circus was out. But that didn't mean I couldn't have my very own death defying acrobatic troupe in my very own back yard. I could perform feats of derring do for my friends and neighbors, for a small fee. I began to train tirelessly. And by train tirelessly I mean I put on a leotard  and did a couple of somersaults, and then stopped once I got tired. 

   I was ready for my first show. I sold tickets to my immediate family, for the inaugural show, but I shouldn't have priced them so high, because I had to loan them money so they could afford good seats, and by the time I scalped the tickets I was flat broke. But once word of show got out, I was sure I would make it all back. 

   I started off with some basic circus stuff. Juggling flaming knives, high diving into a kiddie pool, and wrangling dangerous animals. The audience wasn't pleased; they grew bored and resultless. I think the real reason is because today's circus going crowd is so cynical and hard to please, but they claimed it was because I had to make a three or four hour trip to the emergency room between each act. I was in danger of losing my audience so I pulled out all the stops and decided to finish with a grand finale that was so great it would make them puke. My world famous blind unicycle high wire act. 

   I climbed up on the roof with my unicycle and thanked my lucky stars for the cable that the city had so conveniently and thoughtfully, attached to my roof, knowing that I would someday become a world famous acrobat. I placed my blindfold over my eyes, grabbed my unicyle and launched myself off into my act, and I knew that I had finally succeeded in impressing my audience because I heard my wife scream in appreciation. Something about me being Electric, a real live wire.