I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

How To Throw An Office Christmas Party.

Come in and sit down please. No, sit on a chair. Thank you.
What's up, bossman?
Do you know why I asked you in here?
You want me to buy into your lucrative Multi Level Marketing elbow polish business?
I don't know, I was just guessing.
That was the weirdest guess I've ever heard.
It's a good idea though, right? How come nobody ever thought of that before?
Because it's stupid.
Stupid? Or genius?
Stupid. Unbelievably stupid.
So you don't want to buy into MY elbow polish business?
That's not a real thing.
It is. Haven't you noticed how young and supple my elbows are?
I haven't. And I don't want to talk about elbows. I want to talk about the events of earlier today.
To which events would you be referring to?
You really have to ask?
So, the office Christmas party then?
We don't have office Christmas parties.
Until today. That par-tay was off the hiz-ook.
If by off the hiz-ook, you mean it was highly inappropriate, then yes it was.
What was inappropriate about it?
For one, you were dancing naked on the reception counter.
I wasn't naked.
Just because you were wearing a lampshade and a mistletoe belt buckle, doesn't mean you weren't naked. And just where did you get a lampshade from?

I brought it from home. I thought it would add to the holiday ambience.
And you didn't find this behavior in any way inappropriate?
I just wanted you to take the stick out of your proverbial you know what, and loosen up. It's a Christmas Par-tay.
There is a reason we don't have Christmas par-tays. We work at the Jewish Medical Center.
The JEWISH Medical Center.
I don't see the problem.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Everybody celebrates Christmas. It's a worldwide thing, like the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving.
There are so many things wrong with that statement. Listen, the Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Why not? Wasn't Jesus a Jew?
Oh my goodness. Listen. Jews just don't celebrate Christmas. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
So... OK. I shouldn't have had a Christmas Party at the Jewish medical center. Can I go?
Not yet. There's more. What is the department we work in, at the Jewish Medical Center?
The rehab department.
Correct. Knowing that, do you think it was appropriate for you to replace the water in the water cooler with everclear?
You always spike the drinks at an office party.
This was NOT an office party. It was a Monday.
It turned into a FUN-day.

All of our patients are in relapse, thanks to you.
They all seemed pretty happy to me.
They don't want to be happy. They want to stop drinking. And now most of them are puking in the trashcans.
Happily puking. That's the mark of a good party.
Additionally, half of the staff are passed out in the break room, and the the others are involved in a spirited round of some sort of combat karaoke.
They're involved in a team building exercise. Plus, fighting AND singing? They're totally multi-tasking.
Do you ever say anything that ISN'T stupid?
No. I mean, yes. Wait, what? I'm confused.
Never mind. Finally, let's get to the matter of Miss Nussbaum.
There is nothing the matter with Miss Nussbaum, if you know what I mean.
The matter concerning Miss Nussbaum and the phone.
Oh that. Tradition sir.
I am not aware of that tradition.
You know, sir. In the movies, there is always that one hot female employee that sits on the copier and makes copies her butt, to pass around. Well, you have the copier locked up in your office, so we were just going to take pictures with a phone and then send ourselves a photo message and then print it off of the computer printer.
Very industrious. But unless I'm a little unclear on this, the photo isn't supposed to be of the inside.
Well no. But Miss Nussbaum was rather thirsty today and partook of the holiday spirits rather liberally and fell whilst taking the aforementioned picture.
Just so you know, at the moment, she is in the Emergency Room getting the phone surgically removed.
Lucky we're close to an emergency room.
That's not luck. We work at a hospital.
Well at least she was drunk.
I sincerely doubt she would be in this predicament if she wasn't drunk. You realize I'm going to have to let you go, don't you?

Oh sir, you can't do that. Especially not around the holidays.
And that's another thing. What holidays? It's the middle of June.
That means it's Christmas in, like, Australia or something.
No, it doesn't. Please find your clothes and get out.
Whatever. You're a total scrooge.