Jeopardy Champion.

I have always loved Jeopardy. There is just something about a competition pitting brain power that is appealing to me. And I would love to be on the show, but unfortunately I was facing one minor setback. I couldn't think my was out of a paper bag. I am just really, really, not smart. Me being on Jeaopardy with two other contestants would be me bringing a knife to a gun fight, or possibly me bringing a pointy stick to a tank battle.
   But what I lack in brains, I make up for in determination and sneakiness. First step, I set about to find some dirt on the contestant admissions coordinator. Turns out he was easy to blackmail, just slid him a couple of pictures of him on the "Fluffy Farm" from down in Mexico. Wow, that was way easier than I planned. I was on the show. Next step, win some money.
   The day of the show arrived, and my two competitors were the Wonder-dork twins. A man and a woman separated at birth, doctors or something. My plan was going to work out perfectly. When the first answer was read, I managed to buzz in before the others. And said loudly and confidently, "What is, I will punch the other contestants in the throat if they buzz in before me?"Alex told me that was the incorrect response, to the longest river in South America.  Nobody else had a guess. When the next answer came up I again buzzed in first and proclaimed, "I will give you such a titty twister." as I looked into my competitions face. Again, wrong. The question was actually "What is onomatopoeia?"The other contestants fidgeted uncomfortably, but didn't answer.
    That is when I started to realize that my plan had a fatal flaw. Even though I had stopped the other contestants from answering, I didn't know any of the right responses. I was going in the hole every time I opened up my mouth. By the time the first commercial break happened I had a negative $10,000. I would have to intimidate Trebek.
   After the commercial break, Alex comes over and asks the contestants some random crap about their boring stupid lives. "So you like to make collages out of soda caps?" "I hear you once saved an entire school bus full of children?" And then he got to me. "So… you're a troglodyte." And I said "What is I'll stab you in the face if I don't get some easier questions Trebek?" The words were barely out of my mouth when Alex's spinning back kick smashed into my face. Apparently, Alex is a ninth level blackbelt in Ninjitsu. About the same time my competitors found their nerve and I was hit with a taser from one side and mace from the other.
   When did nerds get so violent? Needless to say, I didn't win. I was drug off the set and dumped unceremoniously commissary dumpster. But the best part is that I am now an part of Jeopardy lore, and if you ever get on the show and they want to know who the worst contestant ever was. Flip McFliperson is the answer. Or the question. Or whatever.

*Also; I hate J. Here are some of the topics that I chose and then rejected as my J entry for this year, several that I even wrote several paragraphs for. Jell-O Artist. Jarhead. Juggalo Society And Culture Editor. Juggler To The Stars. Jerk Lessons. 
   Ugh, J sucks. I move that we strike it from the alphabet. 

Idiots For Books For Idiots.

Books for idiots have sold alot of books: probably like 50 or a gazillion, i'm not sure, i'm not very good with my letters and other math stuff but, they sure do right alot of them - they're are book for idiots and computers and book for idiots on internets and a book on the world white web and other book for brain's surgery and like 7 other one. Literally a tons; And up until last day i worked they're for money; i worked in that part of the place that was inside and they told me two red the book too sea if i understand it; that taked two long for those yelly guys and sew they readed it for me but not in there heads; and then that guy with shoes and that other guy that also had shoes axed me if i was infirmed about the subjects they had told me; i told them i still wasn't sure how too put a log into the top of my lap with a puss wart? They says I am isn't as smart as a idiot, and kicked me outside of the inside part; then after they told me I wasn't gotten any monies from them but gave me a book for instead; they telled me i should read the words inside of the book before i do other stuffs.

Helmet Safety Inspector. or PETA Gives Me A Headache. or Monkey Business.

I had this really sweet job. I made sure helmets were up to current safety standards. Chippy put on a helmet, I stood a safe distance away and pressed a button. A 50lb. weight dropped on Chippy's head, and if  he was unharmed the helmet passed inspection.
   And then PETA got involved, and now I have to quit because of my chronic headaches. Stupid PETA.

Giraffe Detangler.

It is common knowledge that giraffes have the longest necks in the animal kingdom. Long and skinny... and bendy. And everyone knows that unattended long, skinny, bendy things, inevitably manage to tie themselves into knots. Exactly like the earbud cords from your iPhone.
   And it thus follows that giraffes are constantly getting their necks all tangled up. Since I've never seen a giraffe all pretzeled up, somebody must be unknotting them. And those somebodies are probably getting paid handsomely for their detangling skills. But whenever I go down to the zoo, to let them know I know what's up, and that I want a job, because I can untie a giraffe with the best of them, they always pretend they don't know what I am talking about, and claim that giraffes don't suffer from this malady and that I should leave before they call security. Selfish bastards, I know that they just don't want to share with me. But if your giraffe is suffering from a snarled neck, call me. My rates are totally reasonable.

Fear Therapy Will Cure What Ails You.

Americans spend literally bazillions of dollars every year on therapy and drugs to treat various mental maladies. We are a neurotic and fearful lot. Psychologists and Psychiatrists study for years and charge insanely exorbitant prices to help alleviate our fears. Many people can't afford to be cured.
   What if I told you there was another, cheaper, option? Come to me, and I'll fix you right up. Sure, I don't have any of the training, but I only charge half as much. And I'm relatively sure that my therapy is just as effective. Probably.
   Through my patent pending fear therapy we get you to address your fears and then conquer them with support and understanding. For instance, if your biggest fear is clowns, we will put you in a relaxing room full of soft pillows and peaceful music, and then a half naked clown wielding a chainsaw will bust in through the wall and attack you. As you struggle for your very life your brain will develop strategies that will help it overcome it's baseless fear.
   And if you are having abandonment issues, OCD, or Agoraphobia, we can help as well. We simply put you in a relaxing room full of soft pillows and peaceful music and then a naked clown will attack you with a chainsaw. Because; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Elbow Polish For The Young Supple Looking Elbows Of The Stars.

What separates you from your favorite celebrity? Aside from the restraining orders, and the unnecessarily violent and aggressive bodyguards, (Yes, I'm talking about you Bruno, stomping on my man parts while pepper spraying my face, was uncalled for, There are unwritten rules, man.) and the talent, and the reality shows, and the looks, and the "accidentally" released sex tapes, and the plastic surgery, and the ceaseless drive to be in the public consciousness?
    That's right! Young looking elbows. That's why I came up with Flip's Elbow Polish. With liberal applications of our patent pending polish, your elbows will soon have that confident appealing look of all todays hottest Hollywood elbows. Goodbye dingy, yellowing, scuffed, aging, discolored elbows. Hello new, sparkling, taut, shiny, perfect elbows. Before long you'll be mistaken for Scarlett Johansson.* Possibly.** And your life will be perfect, limited guarantee.*** Not for use on knees, shoulders, knuckles or ankles.****
   Order yours today. For only 42 simple payments of $49.99, you can purchase 2 ounces of panacea. And start rubbing elbows with the stars.

*Not an endorsement, Scarlett Johansson does not use Flip's Elbow Polish. Probably. But she does have very nice elbows. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. I mean I don't think it's possible for them to be that nice without enhancement. But if she say's she doesn't use elbow polish, we'll just have to take her word for it. (Flip's Elbow Polish.)
**Most certainly not.
***Not guaranteed in any way whatsoever. 
****No, seriously. If you use Flip's Elbow Polish on knees it will cause a rift in the space time continuum that will bring about the end of life as we know it. 


Here is the first time that elbow polish made an appearance in HILL BLOCKS VIEW. How To Throw An Office Christmas Party.

Dirt Nap Arranger.

For millennia, mankind embraced Mother Earth as healer and nurturer of our very essence. We slept in her bosom and she protected us and gave us sustenance. And in return we gave her offerings of love and respect. And then the mysogensitic Industrial Revolution happened and we left Gaia behind for the violence and vain insubstantiality of machines and technology. And in return we reaped, fear and hate and war. And despaired. Yet our Mother still yearned for us to come back and rest in her loving arms.
   And that is why I opened Earth's Loving Embrace, Dirt Naps. Where for a relatively small amount of worldly currency, you can come to my restive peaceful secluded patch of land and sleep as we were intended to, in an earthen hole, surrounded by the warm smells of roots and clay and loam, in the grasp of our benevolent matron/nurturer.
    That is why, Mr Tony "The Face Stabber" Lianuzzi, that I do not feel that you are entitled to a refund. Just because you hired me to give Lenny "The Back-Stabbing-Turncoat-Snitch-Dirty-Meatball-Scumbag-Lying-Weasel" Tortelli, a Dirt Nap, and he declined, it is not my fault. If your friend does not feel the need to get back in touch with his primitive feminine side, there is nothing I can do. What do you expect me to do, force him at gunpoint?!
   Speaking of guns, do you know some gentlemen from Efbeyie? There have been some rather severe looking men in solemn attire sniffing around lately, asking a lot of questions. Those testosterone laden jackboots, seem to think we are involved in some nefarious dealings.