December 27 - Well, Christmas is over. It went OK. The kids will probably get over the Santa Claus flambé incident soon. If not, there is always counseling. I can't imagine the wife will make me sleep on the couch for to much longer; I honestly thought her dad was a burglar, and the flaming yule log was the closest thing at hand. And hair grows back Herb, don't be such a baby. Nice that it isn't that cold, seeing as how I am spending so much time in the dog house,
December 31 - Going to a party at the neighbors. Going to put on two pairs of pants, in case I feel the need to repeat last years New Years Eve Rockin' Ball Drop Pants Drop. It is supposed to turn cold tonight.
January 1 - HOLY CRAP!! Good thing I wore two pairs of pants, otherwise I would have frozen to death when I took a little nap on the front lawn. Thought I was paralyzed when I woke up; my clothes were just frozen to the ground. Is this the desert or Minnesota? Boss called; there are frozen, busted pipes all over the city, we are going to be busy for a month.
January 3 - Went to work, couldn't get the padlock on the gate open, it was frozen shut. Fired up my torch and gave the lock a little heat, I was able to open it after several minutes. After I got back from urgent care I my boss sent me home to tend my burned hands.
January 10 - My boss isn't happy I haven't called in for days. After failing to convince him I couldn't work a phone with burned hands, I put down my beer and Playstation and head into work. Luckily the gate is already open. It is frigid outside. I bet my pee would freeze before it hit the ground. I climb up on the roof to try. Nope. And boy, is Carlos, the parts guy pissed! January 11 - Another day of work. It is ungodly cold again. The gate is locked again. I don't want to burn myself again. So, I throw my hot coffee on the lock, and then unlock it. Who's stupid now? I lick the the excess coffee of the chain. I load up my vehicle and head out to the jobsite, with a chain hanging from my tongue. I look very alternative.
January 14 - Accidentally robbed a bank. Went in to deposit my check, my nose was frozen to my zipper and I couldn't get it off my face. And my glove stuck in my pocket when I tried to take out my pen to sign my check. The teller just screamed, "He's got a gun! Don't kill me; here take it!", threw some singles at me and dove behind the counter. I tried to argue, then picked up enough for a night at Buffalo Wild Wings and left.
January 19 - COLDEST WINTER EVER! Have a sneeze attack while unlocking the gate. After the fire department unsticks my tongue from the fence, my boss yells at me (in a very patronizing way.) It isn't my fault I keep sticking to things; maybe we should get a wood gate.
January 27 - I feel like I am living in John Carpenter's "The Thing", except for I am one of the humans who hate being cold and not the slimy alien who can change into a dog or something. If I could change into something, I would change into a sexy polar bear. (Don't judge.)
January 31 - Woohoo, today's my birthday. Best day ever. Don't ask me how, but I managed to get my lips frozen to my van (I said, don't ask)! Seeing as how it was my birthday I didn't get fired. There was a rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday To You" but they slipped moron into it instead of flip. Later, I cut through a line with a chain saw, turns out the water doesn't freeze before it hits the ground. It has time to soak you thoroughly first. Then it freezes. Spent my evening under a heat lamp at the emergency room. Unexplainable urge for fast food.
February 1 - It's a new month. Same old cold. I think I am going to move somewhere warm, Phoenix, San Diego or possibly Mercury. I locked my keys in my van while it was warming up this morning, luckily I had a spare key made... Perhaps the glovebox was not the best spot for spare key.
February 22 - It's been a miserable couple of months. They say the temperatures are finally going to get out of the teens tomorrow. Unfortunately, I manage to freeze my hands to the gate this morning before work. They don't even bother calling the fire department, they just bring me a blanket, and a space heater.
March 1 - Spring is here. It is only freezing for the first couple of hours. Then the wind picks up. The wind tore the gate out of my hands at work today. Dented the side of my van. My boss says he will come in early and open the gate for me from now on. He also says some other stuff that was just mean.
March 3 - The pollen count is a million right now. Snot is just running down my face all day, and most of it is mine. My kids and wife have allergies too.
March 9 - The afternoon "breeze" gently places half of the shingles on my house neatly around my yard. It also deposits my gutters conveniently in my neighbors living room. It's much easier to finish painting them there. Winter isn't seeming so bad right now.
