I never know what to give my mother or my wife for Mother's Day. My mom thinks I can do no wrong, so whatever stupid thing I get her, she thinks it's special. But my wife? That's a different story. For instance, my wife will never let me forget the year I built her a dog run as a gift. Now in my defense, that's what I thought she asked for (possibly I shouldn't ask her what she wants after I've been using acetone to clean the lovely mural the children painted on the mini-van off of the mini-van in the garage which has no ventilation).
This year I am going BIG! I'm going to give her a second wedding. But, I don't want to give her some cheezy re-commitment ceremony. She's gonna get the whole storybook princess wedding, the Justice of the Peace, tons of family (mine mostly), cocktail weenies, cases of PBR, line dancing; she'll have it all. But, that means we have to get divorced first. I'll serve her the divorce papers early in the morning, we'll have a chuckle or two, and then I'll ask her to remarry me. She always says I don't surprise her, and this should qualify. With any luck, she'll sweat a little first; she deserves it after always complaining about my gifts.
Well, things didn't quite go as planned. It started off good, I had a courier bring the papers shortly after I left for work. Then things went off the rails. My wife called, in tears, right after the courier left. I tried to settle her down, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise. She was sobbing and laughing(?), I think I heard "thank you" and "best gift ever" and "just what I always wanted". After she hung up I noticed her phone number came up under her maiden name. I tried to call her back but I just kept getting voice mail; which now says something about going home after many long painful years. I tried to get a hold of her on the computer, but she isn't responding. I just noticed her Facebook status page says that she is "single" now. I better get home and straighten this all out.
By the time I get home my stuff is laying out on the front yard. Right next to the "For Sale" sign. The locks seem to have been changed as well. The neighbors tell me that a semi-truck came and loaded up everything in the house, and that my wife left shortly after the movers did, after telling all the neighbors good-bye. I don't think she is taking this very well, she is obviously having a panic attack, acting irrationally. If I can just find her, I can fix everything; tell her it was all just a misunderstanding, a little joke. And once this is over we will sit and laugh and laugh. If I can just find her. 
