I pieced the following events together from a dyslexic court reporter's transcripts. I am sure that the fact that I had a cocktail (a bottle of codeine enriched cough syrup) before I commenced the translation makes the events I am about to describe no less believable. Well, a little less believable, but I am almost certain these events might've possibly happened.
Judge: I hereby sentence you to 30 days of probation and a boot to the head. Next.
Bailiff: The defendant, George Zip, is accused with performing a "California stop" at the intersection of 5th and Main, on December 1, 2011.
Judge: How does the defendant plead?
Judge: Let's proceed. Bailiff, please show in the jury.
Defendant: Um, pardon me your honor.
Judge: That's for presidents and governors. And you haven't even been found guilty yet.
Defendant: No, your honor, I mean, that's not a jury of my peers. That's a crazy cat lady, her cats (which goes without saying), two hipsters, a Nigerian Elvis impersonator, what appears to be a ball of belly button lint, and a stick of gum.
Judge: Toe jam.
Defendant: Excuse me?
Judge: From what?
Defendant: What what?
Judge: Recuse you from what?
Defendant: Not recuse. Excuse.
Judge: We really have to hear the case first.
Defendant: What? No. You said toe jam.
Judge: Oh. That ball of stuff is toe jam, not belly button lint.
Defendant: Hmm. Maybe if I was close enough to smell it... Regardless; that hardly seems like a jury made up of my peers.
Judge: Yeah, we're kinda moving away from that. We are suffering a budget shortfall, and paying juries was eating into our cocktail party budget.
Defendant: Isn't that one of my Constitutional rights?
Judge: Whatever. Those aren't actually written in stone.
Defendant: They are. Right in front of your bench, on the floor there.
Defendant: My constitutional rights?
Judge: Oh yes. So I was saying, just because your "constitutional rights" are apparently "written in stone", is no guarantee. Why, do you know that once upon a time it was illegal to consume alcohol. But that "constitutional law" is no longer on the books. And I don't mind telling you, that I could barely get through my day if I wasn't allowed by law to take massive amounts of psychotropic drugs whenever I feel like it.
Defendant: I don't think that law got repealed.
Judge: Is that true Bailiff?
Bailiff: Yessir, that's a big ixnay on the ugsdray.
Judge: Roger that. And by psychotropic drugs, I of course meant pot.
Bailiff: Still illegal.
Judge: Surely, Oxycontin is allowed.
Bailiff: With a prescription.
Judge: Dammit! Moonshine?
Bailiff: If by moonshine you mean aspirin and tequila.
Judge: What he said. Thank you, bailiff. Now; you have questions about the jury?
Defendant: Exactly! That's what I was trying to tell you.
Judge: No, I meant the fact that you are taking up the courtrooms valuable time, fighting a traffic citation. A rolling stop isn't exactly a capital offense.
Defendant: What's the charge?
Judge: Not coming to a full and complete stop before proceeding.
Defendant: Really?! That's it? Well, I probably did that. My car is a piece of crap. If I stop all the way, it usually dies. What's the maximum sentence if I plead guilty.
Judge: Maximum? Death.
Defendant: Death? I thought you said this wasn't a capital case.
Judge: Is that what that means? I always wondered what a capital case meant. I thought it was just a colloquialism, like "you must be an angel, 'cause you've been running through my mind all night".
Defendant: Objection! That's not a colloquialism. That's a pick-up line. And, I imagine you're still single if that's your best line. You can't give me death for not stopping at a stop sign. Unless I didn't stop and I ran over an entire Cubscout troop. Of blind and wheelchair bound Cubscouts. Intentionally. Multiple times.
Judge: You did that?! Bailiff you heard that confession. Please shoot that man.
Bailiff: Not gonna do that sir.
Defendant: That wasn't a confession, mr. judge sir. I was saying, that's what it would take to make the rolling stop worthy of the death penalty. Are you sure the maximum punishment is death for this crime?
Judge: Let's see. assault, b&e, no, no, robbery, rolling stop, ritual suicide, oh there's our problem. I read the punishment for ritual suicide. The max sentence for your traffic violation is $35.
Defendant: That's it?
Judge: That's it. It's seems kinda silly to have gone to jury trial on this now, huh?
Defendant: Very silly. I guess I misunderstood what a "California Stop" was.
Judge: What did you think it was?
Defendant: I thought that maybe I was being charged with ruining California's economy. Which seemed a little odd, considering I've never even been to California. Anyway, I am sorry for taking up the court's time. I plead guilty, to not coming to a full and complete stop. Where can I pay my fine?