I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Don't Take Your Valentine's Day Gift Advice From Space.

If you listened to the radio in the last few weeks you have been bombarded with commercials reminding you that Valentine's Day is nearly here, "Order now. Don't delay." Now I don't know what the local stations have been trying to get you to buy, but the satellite radio is pushing some stuff that might just get the inexperienced husband or boyfriend in some serious trouble. As a public service, I now offer a rebuttal to several of the worst offenders.

I wuv you. Yes, I doozy woozy. (That's six feet of crazy, right there.)
Won't your girlfriend be surprised when she receives an six foot teddy bear? Show her how much you love her with GINORMOUS LOVE TEDDY BEAR! 
   Really? It's weird to be giving teddy bears to women you are trying to sleep with. If a woman still has a bedroom full of teddy bears after a certain age, you better watch out, she's gonna have some issues. This is a no win. If she's semi normal she's going to be totally freaked out by a giant teddy bear (is somebody hiding in there?) If she is the type of girl that wants a giant teddy bear, you might not want her. Unless you don't mind baby-waby voices and debilitating daddy issues.

Run.  Don't look back, just run. It's not worth it.
Won't your girlfriend be surprised when when receives the Teddy/Teddy. A regular sized teddy bear in a tux, holding a box with lingerie in it. 
   Yeah, but surprise isn't always a good thing. She might be surprised she's involved with such a clueless moron. And again with the teddy bear thing; yikes. Also, if she wants lingerie, she'll buy it.

'Cause nothing says romance, like sleepwear for toddlers..

Show your woman how much you love her, with her very own footy pajamas.
   It should be against the law to make footy pajamas for anybody over nine years old. It's super freaky. It's not even campy-cool like the snuggie (the blanket with sleeves), it's disturbing weird, like collecting porcelain clowns.

She just read it to see what all the fuss was about. 
Your girlfriend read the book, now she can own the merchandise. Yes, we now present to you, our radio listeners; 50 Shades Of Gray, the Sex Toys. 
   We all know that 50 Shades Of Gray was a hugely successful book series, and I'm sure that like .01% of women were aroused by it. But if you bring home a leather crop for Valentine's Day, you might end up passionately getting the selfsame crop removed from your posterior at the local emergency room.

I don't think this is one of the videos you'll be receiving.
Do you want to get half off before you get her off? Order now from Adam and Eve, and we'll send you sexy stuff. Sensual potions and notions so you can get your hands all over each other and a video to get her in the mood. Plus a special gift that's so naughty we can't even talk about it.
   Studies show that women are increasingly becoming interested with porn. Your wife is not one of them. She got married to you so she didn't have to worry about all that stuff. When you try to spring a video to WARM her up, you are going to spend the next month COOLING off on the couch. But at least you'll have your video, special gift, and sensual potions to keep you company at night.

   Those are just the biggies. There were a myriad of others, from rainbow roses, chocolate fruit bouquets,  giant cookies, to chocolate and nut covered berries of various types. My best advice is too listen more to your significant other about what she wants for Valentine's Day, and listen less to the messages from space.

I wrote A Black Eye For Valentine's Day several years ago, it also addresses Valentine's Day and the fatal mistakes men make.