I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Black Eye For Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is an evil made up holiday that was designed to get men to spend money on the special women in their lives, and for those special ladies, in return, to be disappointed in this years offerings. And it's here! If you are reading this and haven't already purchased gifts for the woman in your life, you're screwed. Wait! Wal-Mart is open 24 hours a day now, maybe all hope isn't lost. Get going. But, before you run out, let me share some of my observations from 15 years of marriage with you. Some of it may seem counter-intuitive, trust me though, these tips are from real world experience.

1) Most women love roses, so get some of those. But this isn't good for a last minute present because, around Valentine's Day, roses cost roughly the same amount as a vacation home. So plan ahead for next year, put a little aside from each check and you can afford a dozen next year. Do not try the fake roses you buy at convenience stores, it doesn't work. Even if they are the kinds with pens on the other ends and you tape 12 of them together.

2) Chocolates are good. I suggest something in a tasteful box from Godiva or Rocky Mountain Chocolate. Here are several that didn't go over as well: Nestle chocolate chips, chocolate coated cockroaches, leftovers from the kids Halloween bags, a can of unsweetened cocoa, and Ex-Lax.

3) Jewelry is a great gift. Earrings, bracelets, and necklaces are always a big hit. And an engagement ring on Valentine's Day? Home run. You should actually go to a store though, those quarter machines are a rip-off, you had your eye on a big gold ring. Instead; a super bouncy ball, and while undeniably awesome, it isn't romantic. Avoid sparkly rhinestone Playboy bunny pendants. Also, pink fuzzy handcuffs are not considered jewelry.

4) Lingerie. Sounds good; but don't. You really should let her buy that. But, if you are young and foolish and feel the need, here is my best advice. Don't. It doesn't work. You can't win; not if it's from Victoria's Secret, Fredericks of Hollywood, Target, Wal-Mart or the local "adult" store. (Especially not from there, heaven help you.)

5) Sharing a romantic movie with your wife or girlfriend is wonderful. Even if you only sit through one chick-flick a year, this is a good time to do it. But, don't ask the teenage boy at the video store to recommend a good chick flick, you aren't talking the same language. Also, anything with "bikini", "go-go", or "carwash" in the title will be a failure. Except if it is "Bikini Carwash Go-Go Girls", and then it will be a cataclysmic, "Me and the kids are going to visit my mom for a while", kind of failure.

6) A card is a nice way to say what you would like to express, but can't. But, you need to read the whole card first, not just the pretty part on the front that says "Love is a drug". Nothing ruins the mood faster than the inside of a card that reads "Hope your stay in rehab is successful. From all of us."

7) A day at the spa is a nice gift. A gym membership is not. Also, No exercise equipment, clothes or gear. No Zumba, no P90-X, no butt shaping shoes, and no jogging stroller. Really, you will regret this more than you have regretted anything in your life.

8) A romantic dinner with just the two of you is fantastic. An "intimate affair" with your friends down at the pub during dart league night, not so much. In that same vein, going out with your buddies to the mesa, having a bon-fire, drinking tequila out of the bottle, firing off shot-guns and peeing on things, does not equate to a candlelit dinner in her mind.

Well friends, it's late, and I have to get over to Wal-Mart, before they run out of the good Valentines Day teddy bears holding a heart that says "I WUV U". Hope I was able to help you and your special someone, have a fantastic bull$#%t  pretend holiday.