I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Don't Drive Drunk. Or Stupid. Especially Stupid.

SIR! SIR! Roll down your window please. NO! Not the passenger window, the driver's side. Oh holy crap! SIR! Not the rear driver's window. SIR! Roll down YOUR window, sir.
Uh, sorry.
Thank you, sir. I see you had a little problem with the window, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?
Alien mind control?
Excuse me, sir?
Aliens from Beetle Juice came down and sucked out your brain, and commanded you to pull over innocent law abiding citizens and harass them until they bowed down to the evil alien overlord, which is why I wear a tinfoil thong, because Beatle Juice-ian's brains are in their crotches, which explains the human phrase, he is thinking with his LITTLE brain...
NO, SIR! That is the stupidest thing I ever heard sir. Aliens don't exist, sir. You were driving erratically, sir. You were drifting all over the road, your speed was inconsistent, you used your blinker after you turned, the gas nozzle is hanging from your gas tank, and you are currently parked in someones koi pond. I'm suspicious that you've been drinking sir.

I'm pretty sure it was aliens.
No, sir. You were driving dangerously, sir. And aliens, notwithstanding the illegal kind, don't exist. Sir, have you in fact been drinking? 
Du'h, you would totally die if you never drank anything.
Have you been drinking alcohol, sir? Or are you just stupid? 
Uh... Sorry officer. You caught me. I'm a degenerate alcoholism. I've had a five-pack of beers, at that boob club, where the women show their chestal region. Yup, I'm totally drunk. 
The what? Show what? Sir. How much have you had to drink?
I said a fiver. No, wait, a seven pack. Ninety beers.
Sir. Beers, come in six packs. Or twelves, or eighteens, or cases. Have you in fact been drinking? 
Oh yes, I was having a debauchery at the bar with the females and I ordered five... ten... forty-two or the black and whites...
Sir? Do you mean Black and Tans?
That's so PC.
Sir. You haven't been drinking have you, sir? You're just stupid.
I resonate that remark. Resemble. Regret.
I never even sent it the first time. 
Resent, it means to be angry or upset.
Oh. Sorry, I've drunk so much I forgot the dictionary. And I forgot I was drinking Moonglow and not beers.
Moonglow? Do you mean Moonshine?!
And, I had some Irish Car-Jackings.
Irish Car-Bombs?
A fourth of Jeff Daniels.
A fifth of the star of Something Wild? And Dumb And Dumber? You meant Jack. Sir, it is apparent you haven't been drinking. I'm going to have to write you up for being an idiot.
No! My work will fire me if they find out I'm stupid.
I'm sure they already suspect, sir. You are rather amazingly stupid.
I'm not stupid, I tell you. I'm drunk, I've been drinking vodka sauce. 
Vodka sauce goes on pasta, it's not for drinking. Let's do some field tests and see how stupid you really are.
Like saying the alphabet backwards?
I suspect you would just face the other way and say the alphabet.
Are you psychic?
Sir, what is the area of a square which has sides that are 4" long?
Let's see... A squared, plus B squared, equals ABBA, who was a really famous Swedish band. I'm going with ABBA.

That might be the stupidest thing ever said aloud, sir. The area of a square with 4" sides is not ABBA, it is 16 square inches. You are stupid, sir.
I'm not. Give me another chance.
OK, when did man first land on the moon?
Never. You can't land on the moon. They staged it.
I kinda knew you were gonna say that. That's a stupid person benchmark. Without a doubt you haven't been drinking, you just have the IQ of a zucchini.
That's not so bad, I hear wild zucchinis are pretty clever. 
No sir, they're not. Let's go, get out of the car. You're under arrest for being spectacularly dumb.
I'm not a idiot! Give me one more chance.
OK. One last chance to prove you're drunk and not stupid. A man has a cat. He puts the cat in a box. The box has poison in it that may or may not have have opened and killed the cat. You can't lift the lid of the box to check; is the cat alive or not? 
That's just wrong. You can't just go around killing or not killing cats. Why isn't PETA all over this guy?
It's hypothetical sir. Sir, answer the question; is the cat alive or dead?
Uhhm. Yes?
He is alive and dead.
Correct, sir. I guess you aren't a complete moron.
That's great! What do I win?
A DWI. You have the right to remain silent...