I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Friday, October 25, 2013

How To NOT Commit Adultery

I have been married for eighteen years, which is a long time, even by the impossibly high standards set by today's reality TV stars. My wife and I have been successful because we love each other and are committed to making it work every day. Well, most days. More days than not, we really work on it. And communication, that's really important, we totally do that. Talking about stuff is important-ish. But at least a part of my success as a husband has to do with my non-adultery contingency plan.
   My plan was first created early in our marriage, when a friend who had been married for a long time pulled me aside and told me that I needed to come up with a plan on how to NOT stray from my marriage vows. Now to me a plan seemed a little unnecessary, by staying faithful, I was by default, not committing adultery. But he told me that you needed to have a plan, because unless you were careful, at some point in the marriage you were going to be in a situation that would be so tempting, that if didn't already know what you would do when some wanton hussy threw herself at you, you would falter.
   He told me parts of his plan to help me formulate mine. His first thing was, if a woman wanted to make the sexy with him, he would get up and run away if necessary. In addition, he said that he made it a habit to never be alone with a woman that wasn't his wife. Or his mother probably. He didn't mention that, but I imagine he was safe with her as well. He stayed away from places that might incite him to passion with another woman, porn shops, strip clubs, the internet, Las Vegas as a whole, pools, beaches, summertime, concerts, movies, HBO, especially-especially Skin-e-max, the mall, and basically anyplace that isn't under Sharia Law. He absolutely never flirts with women; he once used pepper-spray on a Denny's waitress that called him Sugar. He actually had quite a long list, apparently women routinely threw themselves at my friend. (I guess I understand, he was voted as the accountant with the most visible chest hair poking out of the top of his undershirt, three years running down in the corporate tax department. Rowr.)
   After much consideration to what my friend had suggested I sat down and formulated my own plan. I'm sure all you married fellows, will come up with your own plans later this evening. Yours might include not befriending and then cyber-stalking old girlfriends on social media, or not having sex with people you aren't married to. Excellent plans all. But for me, my list is really short. A one, two punch of a good solid plan that is sure to keep me monogamous for life.

My plan is this:
1) I decided I would be socially awkward to the point that people of the opposite sex felt so uncomfortable around me they couldn't even carry on a conversation.
2) I decided that I would be (and this is the most important one, I think) fantastically, utterly, completely, amazingly unattractive. Really, really not good looking.

Well, not decided so much as, that's just how things are. Which shouldn't detract from the fact that my plan has been a smashing success.
You're lucky. I usually do my selfies with a duck-face.