I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Baby. Sitter.

There is nothing so annoying as being out in public when some jerk-offs phone starts ringing. 

Hey buddy, I'm trying to drink a beer and watch the game here. What? Are you so important you can't answer that outside, you're such a… oops, that's mine. SHUT UP EVERYBODY, I gotta take this. Hey, what's up?
Hey, honey? What are you guys doing?
Drinking a beer, watching the game. 
The kids aren't drinking are they?
No. I'd never let them do that… again.
It sounds pretty loud there, are they destroying the house?
Probably not. They're playing or something.
Or something? 
Probably. I'm not EXACTLY sure.
You don't know?

Well yeah, I'm at the bar. The kids are at home. It's not like I'm a bad dad or something, you can't bring kids to a bar. I assume they're doing something constructive. Maybe homework.
Hon. We don't have money for a babysitter. Or for you to be out at a bar. Plus, where did you even find a babysitter, anyway?
Who? Your Mom's not in town anymore. Is she?
No, not her.
Did your Dad come down?
Who? Your aunt? One of your cousins?
No. I barely even talk to my cousins.
Please God, tell me you didn't get your Uncle Harry.
Homeless Hobo Harry? Just how irresponsible do think I am?
Very. Who? Who did you ge… You left Sean in charge? We talked about this, he isn't even thirteen. He isn't ready yet.
I had babysitter's that were only thirteen.
Sean isn't ready, he lacks focus. When the TV or computer is on, he wouldn't notice if his brothers burned down the house.

I think that's an exaggeration.
That exact thing happened last month. The fire department showed up and everything. Put out the tree in the front yard.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
I can't believe you left Sean in cha...
Settle down. It's not Sean.
Oh sweet Lord. Not Evan. Please tell me not Evan. Oh God. Call the fire department. Call the police. Call the national guard. He won't be unaware while his brothers get into mischief, he'll be inciting it. Creating it. It will be Lord of the Flies. Or Clockwork Orange. Both at the same time. Oh holy crap, Paul. Our house won't be standing when we get home. It'll be Armageddon. It'll…
Easy there, worry wart. I would never leave Evan in charge of anything.

Who then, Paul? Who? It's not like you left Jack in charge.
Well, it's kinda like that.
Kinda? You kinda left a four year old in charge of his ten and twelve year old brothers? Kinda?!
OK. It's exactly like that.
Paul! How could you?
It's OK. Jack is extremely responsible for a four year old.
Just because he can get dressed by himself doesn't mean he's responsible.
Well, he is very bossy.
That's not actually a basis for being a baby sitter.
Jack told me it was.
And you listened to a four year old?
He's pretty convincing. He used his Jedi mind tricks on me.
No. You're just an idiot. Go home.

I can honestly say I've learned a valuable lesson about being a father from this experience. Never answer the phone when you are out drinking.