Sexual Harassment Is No Laughing Matter... Unless You Do It Right.

This is the offices of Smith, Smith, Smith, Gonzalez-Slebårnueski-Okohabu, and Smith. How may I help you?
I'm being harassed at work.
Sir, I just want to let you know up front, that being told by your supervisor to get off of Facebook and do some actual work, does not constitute harassment. At least, according to a recent Supreme Court ruling.
No. That's not it... Wait. Does that come up a lot?
Oh yes. It's the number one new lawsuit filed by today's industrious worker.
I'll keep that in mind. But no, my complaint is much more serious and salacious than that. I'm being sexually harassed at work.
YIPPEE! Porsche Cayenne, here I come... I mean, how terrible for you. Tell me some more about what's been happening.
My boss has just been making me very uncomfortable at work, and it has to stop.

Oh, I agree. Sex has no place at the workplace, unless you are a sex therapist, or a licensed prostitute who resides in Nevada... Are you?
A sex therapist?
Yes.
No.
Oh good. Uhm. Are you a...
A gigolo?
Yup, or a gentleman of the night if you prefer. A he-hooker? A paid man whore? A tawdry boy? A fellow with round heels and a fat wallet? Mr. Floozie-Pants? Señor sex-on-demand? One of the male persuasion who is paid to have sex with other people?
Oh come on. You made half of those up. And I know what a prostitute is. AND, no, I am not one.
That's great. Not that I have a problem with he-hookers, per se. It's just that...
DUDE! What about me?!
I guess. I mean, I don't really know you, but I suppose we could at least have a drink.
NO. I meant the thing we were talking about.
Which was? Oh! Yes. My Porsche. I mean, your sexual assault case. So, tell me, what is going on at your place of employment?
Well, my boss just makes me uncomfortable. Everything is all about sex.
Can you be more specific?
Well, sometimes he looks at stuff on his computer, when he knows I'll be watching, and sometimes it's risqué, and I'm pretty sure he does it just to get a rise out of me.
Oh, that's terrible.
It is. I have nightmares.
Is there more?
Does a clown poop in the woods?
I don't know what that means.
Yes. It means yes.  I thought everybody knew that one. Clowns poop in the woods.
Bears.
WHERE?! Argh. Oh my god, save me. AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh.
SETTLE DOWN! Settle down. There isn't any bears.
Then why did you say bears?
It's do bears poop in the woods. Bears, not clowns.

That's ridiculous. Why would bears be in the woods? I mean, there aren't even toilets in the woods. Where would they go to the bathroom?
IN THE WOODS!
With the clowns?
There aren't any clowns.
Oh right. And I suppose the bears are the ones mauling unsuspecting hikers.
OH MY GO... you know? Let's skip this conversation. Why don't you just tell me what else has happened at your work.
OK, this is hard. But sometimes when I go to the bathroom, my boss will... look.
At your private parts?
No. At my twigs and berries.
Isn't that your private part?
What fun would it be, if that was private? My pancreas is my private part.
How would somebody look at your pancreas?
If you had an X-Ray. Or a big knife.
Does your boss watch you in the bathroom while holding a large knife?
No, but that would be freaky.
Yes, but we can't file a suit against your boss for some freaky thing that he hasn't done.
Good point.
But, we can get him for staring at your P-E-N-I-S.
My pens?
Your penis.
Oh, that's a relief. That would be REALLY strange if he was sexually harassing writing implements. That would be a whole other level of weird.
You're a whole other level of weird.
What was that?
I said... I should shave my beard.
You have a beard?
No. So he looks at your "not so private parts" when you are in the bathroom?
Yes. He's always in there when I am. And he's always googling me.
Googling you?
Looking at me brazenly with sexual intentions.
Ogling.
Bless you.
What?
Didn't you sneeze?
No. Staring at someone with unclean thoughts is called ogling.
I thought that was the evil beasts that live under bridges.
Those are ogres. Listen, can we just get on with this? What else?
Well sometimes he touches me... Where my swimsuit covers.
Thank goodness.
What?
Oh sorry. But that's finally something I can use.
You could use being touched by your boss? Maybe I should talk to another lawyer.
No, I mean that's finally something that we can use in your against your boss.
Oh. I get it.
I doubt it.
What?
I said you're stupid and I already hate you.
What?
I said, I bet even cupid would want to date you.
Oh. Well I am pretty irresistible.
Except to women. Or gay men. Or anyone really.
What?
Especially to women; I'm sure. So this touching? Where and when does this happen?
Well sometimes at random points during the day, he will just reach down and scratch me. Under my clothes.
At work? Just reach down and scratch your, what? Your bottom?
Yes. And my aforementioned, not private parts.
Just reach right out and fondle you? At work?
That is exactly what I'm telling you.
When else does he touch you indecently?
When I get out of the shower.
He showers with you? This dude is getting weirder and weirder. Have you told him not to?
He doesn't really listen to me. He acts like I belong to him.
That is very disturbing. Who would want you?
What?
I said, my eyes are blue.
Are they?
No. So when else does this touching occur?
Sometimes late at night after everybody else has gone to bed, he will... he'll... he... h... I can't go on. It's too awful to remember.
Why is he in your bed? Are you being serious?
Yes. Fatal serious.
Fatal?
Yeah it's like dead serious, but worser. And seriouser.
Fatal isn't worse than dead, it's the same thing.
Whatever. Do you want the case or not?
I'm not sure even a Porsche is worth this. Do you have any witnesses?
I witnessed it.
You are not a witness. Is there anyone else in your office that can corroborate your story.
Gather my story into one area?
That's consolidate. No. Corroborate means to confirm your story.
You want my story to become catholic?
Not that kind of confirm. Is there anybody else I can talk to that saw what happened to you? One of your co-workers perhaps?
No, I'm afraid not. I don't have any co-workers.
That's too bad. So, it's just you and your boss?
Yup. Just a one man operation.
Wouldn't that be a TWO man operation?
Nope, it's just me.
...and your boss?
I am the sole employee of the company. And also the owner.
So, who is harassing you?
Geez, I thought you had to be smart to be a lawyer. My boss is harassing me.
YOU ARE YOUR BOSS! You can't harass yourself!
You wouldn't say that if you see what happens in the shower!
Holy crap, that's a terrifying image. Sir, you're a kook. You can't file a suit against yourself.
Why not?! All this sexual attention is totally unwanted.
It can't be unwanted if you are subjecting yourself to it.
Oh yeah?! I suppose, I just asked for it right? You're so typical. Just because I like to wear sexy things, that means I should be subjected unwanted sexual attention?
But you ARE your boss! Who am I supposed to sue? You or you?
That's crazy. What kind of idiot sues himself?
Exactly. Good-bye.

Weird Beard.

I miss writing. Even if it's just for me. I'm back. 

Zombie Preparedness.

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

Pretty much everybody agrees the Zombie Apocalypse is coming. And tons of people are preparing, but most everybody is doing it wrong. If you really want to survive the coming Zombie uprising, come see me. 

   Because let's face it, you're gonna end up as a zombie. With our help, you'll be the best zombie you can be. 

   First we'll work you out. You want to be nice and strong when it's time. We'll work on the cardio too, you want to be able to run for a good long time. I'm not exactly sure how being in top shape translates, seeing as how there aren't any zombies yet, but I'm sure there are residual effects of being strong and fast, muscle memory and all that.

   Then we'll do some customizations. Sharpened teeth for one. Now that you only eat human flesh, you don't need the grinding teeth of the omnivore. All teeth are filed down, razor sharp. Speaking of sharp, we'll also attach prosthetic claws on the ends of your fingers. Since you won't be intelligent enough to wield a weapon you'll need something to rend human flesh with.

   Next we'll work on the achilles heel, as it were, of the zombie. The whole head thing. It is now possible to coat the skull with new lightweight bullet resistant material. What I wouldn't pay to see the smug look on a zombie hunter, turn to horror as he realizes, too late, that his head shot didn't work. I'll also imbed some kevlar in your neck, providing some resistance to edged weapons separating your head from your shoulders.

   Lastly, give some thought to were you will most likely reside after you become a zombie. If you will be in the country, we will give you a full body traditional camo paint job. If you will be hunting in the city, we will paint you up in the new modern urban camouflage. They'll never see you coming. 

   After you see us at Flip's Zombie Modifications, you won't just survive the Zombie uprising; as the top predator, you'll thrive. 

This ad sponsored and endorsed by the Zombie Majority.

YOLO Inspired Merchandise.

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

You can't swing a dead a cat at crackhead these days without running into that insipid phrase, YOLO. It supposedly means You Only Live Once, but the way that todays whiny, emasculated, twit applies it, it might as well mean I'm a pansy and I think that dancing on the hood of my car at sunset at the beach, is REALLY living, but only if some takes a pictogram of it and uses a nice blocky sans serif to insert some weak cliche. Oh, that's YOLO for sure, brah. Screw that, and your ridiculous pink YOLO T-shirt.

   If you're really going to use and market that phrase, we have got to stop being all sissified. You want to market something that really goes with YOLO? How about my YOLO self immolation kit? Only $35.99. Or my YOLO cyanide capsule, for a limited time only $99.95. Or the YOLO anvil in a parachute pack, $500. If you purchase any of the preceding items I present the YOLO funeral, for the low, low price of $4,500. Now that's how you YOLO, you little hipster spaz.

Xanadu Revival.

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

The only thing that matters anymore is content. People go out of their minds coming up with the new meme, or app, or... whatever, that can get a million eyeballs on it. 'Cause where the eyeballs are, the cash will follow. Or that's what we are to believe, anyway.

   But why are people practically killing themselves coming up with original, inventive ideas, when there are inarguable classics like 1980's Xanadu, starring a radiant Olivia Newton-John and the sublime Michael Beck, waiting to be mined? 

   So without further ado, I now announce that HILL BLOCKS VIEW, will immediately suspend operations so I can throw the full weight of my passion and creativity, into my new true love; a reimagining of Xanadu, presented as a weekly webisode. Starring: my cat Maxx, as Sonny, Me as Kira, Olivia Newton-John, as Sparky the plucky little black shoeshine boy that I created just so the "Neutron-Bomb" would stop calling me, like, seventeen times a day begging, to be part of this production and crying and whining and geez with that Australian accent it's just so grating and fine here's a part now leave me alone, and Gene Kelly, reprising his award winning role as Danny, the stereotypical downtrodden Jazz guy... the role obviously had to be rewritten, seeing as Gene Kelly has been dead, 'lo these many years. Danny now, inexplicably, lies in a graveyard under the headstone of Gene Kelly. Really experimental stuff. Although, he has been getting some rave reviews on some of the early footage. In fact the Village Voice recently opined; "Gene Kelly has taken method acting to a whole other level, he hasn't been this compelling in decades. Do I smell Oscar? Oops, no. That was just death actually."

   S0, stay tuned for updates about the groundbreaking premiere, presented in several-D, stereophonic audio on a Computer screen near you. If you live close to me. Otherwise it won't probably be near you. It will only be playing in my mom's basement on an old Amiga, hooked up to a Betamax.

   But it'll probably be really great. And would somebody please do a Grease reunion so Olivia Newton-John will move off my couch? If I have to hear "You're the one that I want," one more time...

Wasting My Life On TV And Movies.

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

There is a saying that says, "if you do a thing you love, you will never work a day in your life." I have decided to take that advice to heart. There is nothing in the world that gives me more pleasure, just a pure sense of doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing, than being drunk. It's just so awesome! If I could only be wasted for a living, that would truly be my dream job.
   In almost every movie ever made there is the drunk guy who slurs something funny and stupid, or mumbles some sage advice. In the credits, he is always listed as Drunk Guy Number 2; I want to be that guy! I already do that for free. I have started interviewing for upcoming projects, and just to make sure the producers know I am dedicated, I always show up in character.

*Update: Nobody would hire me. Apparently, Drunk Guy Number 2 isn't really drunk! He's just an actor, pretending to be wasted. G'ah. What a travesty!

Validate You!

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

I used to want to help people sort through their problems, give them some sound counsel and tools they could use to change their attitude. And then I realized there isn't any money in that. People don't want to actually change, or to work on their own shortcomings. They just want validation, someone to tell them that they are awesome and that everybody else is a giant douche.

   You are special person, unique and wonderful! Chuck Norris wants to be in your fan club. All those people you are in conflict with are complete clueless jerk-holes. None of your problems are your fault.
   Make checks payable to: Mr. Fantastic Wonderpants at PO Box 42 Albuquerque, NM