I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Zombie Preparedness.

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

Pretty much everybody agrees the Zombie Apocalypse is coming. And tons of people are preparing, but most everybody is doing it wrong. If you really want to survive the coming Zombie uprising, come see me. 
   Because let's face it, you're gonna end up as a zombie. With our help, you'll be the best zombie you can be. 

   First we'll work you out. You want to be nice and strong when it's time. We'll work on the cardio too, you want to be able to run for a good long time. I'm not exactly sure how being in top shape translates, seeing as how there aren't any zombies yet, but I'm sure there are residual effects of being strong and fast, muscle memory and all that.
   Then we'll do some customizations. Sharpened teeth for one. Now that you only eat human flesh, you don't need the grinding teeth of the omnivore. All teeth are filed down, razor sharp. Speaking of sharp, we'll also attach prosthetic claws on the ends of your fingers. Since you won't be intelligent enough to wield a weapon you'll need something to rend human flesh with.
   Next we'll work on the achilles heel, as it were, of the zombie. The whole head thing. It is now possible to coat the skull with new lightweight bullet resistant material. What I wouldn't pay to see the smug look on a zombie hunter, turn to horror as he realizes, too late, that his head shot didn't work. I'll also imbed some kevlar in your neck, providing some resistance to edged weapons separating your head from your shoulders.
   Lastly, give some thought to were you will most likely reside after you become a zombie. If you will be in the country, we will give you a full body traditional camo paint job. If you will be hunting in the city, we will paint you up in the new modern urban camouflage. They'll never see you coming. 
   After you see us at Flip's Zombie Modifications, you won't just survive the Zombie uprising; as the top predator, you'll thrive. 

This ad sponsored and endorsed by the Zombie Majority.