ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! Punch In The Face.

*Not to be given away. Only the holder of the coupon may receive the punch.
**Cannot be combined with other offers. But, you may redeem as many coupons as you wish.
***Punch must be redeemed at the time the coupon is presented. No monetary value.
****Punch will be in the face. No kidney punches. Nothing below the belt.
*****Holder of coupon accepts responsibility of medical attention.

I have a friend who is so cheap that if he was offered a free punch in the face, and it was absolutely free, no strings attached, he would take it. Because it is FREE.

Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over?

Rejected scene from the Lifetime original movie, "Women Are From The Police Academy, Men Are From The State Penn."

EXTERIOR - STEREOTYPICAL NEIGHBORHOOD  - DAY

A police motorcycle is pulling over an older muscle car. The car is in decent condition and the convertible top is down.

WHOOOOOOOoooooooo - The siren tails off as the car pulls over.

The cop turns off and then gets off of the motorcycle.

Close-up on the boots as the officer walks to the drivers side of the car.

Close-up on the helmet of the officer as gloved hands reach up and remove it, and...

An unbelievable amount of blond hair spills out of the helmet, which is then given the full Farrah Faucet hair shake/tousle treatment. You can now tell that the cop is an attractive female, wearing perhaps a tighter than necessary, uniform. The man in the car looks up at the female police officer in a bored yet still rebellious manner.

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Tax evasion.

What?
Tax evasion. That's what usually trips people up. That's how they got Capone, Wesley Snipes, Judas, and JFK.
Partially right, but no.
Selling rabid pit-bulls to blind people as guide dogs?
WHAT?!
Is that why you pulled me over?
No. You did that?
(shamefacedly) No. (normal again) Is it because I used to serial murder clowns?
Never for that.
Is it because I used the Sisters of Everlasting Temperance Orphanage and Organic Garden as a front for my drug selling operation?
No.
Is it because...(he counts things off on his fingers going over a list silently) ...I pee'ed in the public pool.
Everybody does that.
From the diving board.
Ew. No.
'Cause, I am a philandering polygamist?
No.
I don't put the toilet seat down.
(starts to pull out her gun, reconsiders, puts it back; through gritted teeth says) NO.
I don't dry clean only? I tear the tags off my mattresses?
No.
Hmmh, Oh I know. Is it because I just robbed a bank and then had a running gun battle with the SWAT team and I was texting at the same time and I accidentally ran over a marching band during a parade and I didn't use my signal when I turned and I was speeding and I caused 42 major accidents and don't have insurance and I'm a middle aged white guy and I'm listening to hardcore gangsta rap?
At first, yes. But then I got a look at you, and I could tell that you're a complex troubled man with clear blue eyes and a cleft in his chin, and that the right woman could help you turn your life around.
What makes you think you can save me?
(huskily, she flips her hair and answers) I went to Catholic School.


and CUT.


I can't believe this scene didn't get filmed. Damn TV producers just don't know quality when they see it. 

How Not To Appear To Be A Psycho Killer.

Don't let this be you.

"A local man was arrested for suspicion of attempted murder, after trying to break into area house, with a duffel bag full of deadly weapons. Police responded after the homeowners called police. The suspect was described as a dangerous looking man with facial tattoos who constantly listened to Death Metal and gave the neighbors menacing looks. The victims had recently installed an alarm system after being told by the suspect that 'I am going to kill you, and eat your face.'"

     If you had attended my class, this could have read: Local family is murdered gruesomely and police are at a loss. Police have canvased the neighborhood but there are no suspects at this time.

     That's right! The, I Never Suspected A Thing, He Was So Quiet And Kept To Himself School. Featuring such classes as: White panel vans draw attention, Pentagrams on the front lawn are a no-no, People remember scary looking people with facial tattoos skulking around, and more.

     After you attend our class you will be able to ride the bus without staring hollowly at the passengers and muttering under your breath about "slaughtering the sheep", instead you will be able to sit quietly and stare vacantly out the window, drawing no suspicion.

     You will learn that the best place for your private room filled with your detailed drawings, newspaper clippings, and magazine pictures with the eyes cut out is not in the living room, but perhaps a back room or a basement. And these are just a few of the tips you will learn.

     Yes, for only an arm and a leg, you can attend classes at our secluded campus, and learn how to blend in with the disgusting meat bags, and one day maybe they'll say, "I never suspected a thing, he was so quiet and kept to himself", about you!

    

Mr. Topper On Osama Bin Laden's Death



Ask Mr. Topper

 Dear Mr. Topper, Did you hear that Seal Team Six, snuck into Pakistan and killed Osama Bin Laden? Pretty cool huh?
  -  M. Cronce

Sure they did. That's what they want you to believe. Here's what really happened. The CIA called me last month and then I showed up at their secret base in Hollywood, that's where the money is. They had built a time machine. So then, I went back in time and fought off the terrorists with a paper clip and a stick of gum, that's all you can get through with in the time machine. So I killed all the terrorists but those guys that took down the trade center, it sucks but before I went back in time they blew up the whole city. But Osama had genetically engineered himself into a time travelling cyborg so I had to chase him through time, and then he joined up with Hitler and Stalin and they changed the course of history and enslaved all mankind and I had to fight them but I picked up a gun from a Nazi Zombie, (the first thing they created when they took over) but i removed his head with my karate death chop. And then I killed Stalin and beat Hilter to death with Stalin's big head, but Osama got away with a omega nuclear total annihilation bomb, so I had to follow him into Pakistan. But he jumped back through time so I only had my paper clip and my bubble gum again. But he didn't expect me to follow him so I made a crude slingshot with my gum and I shot him in the head and it shorted out his cyborg face and it blew up, which is why they say his face is destroyed, and then I disarmed the bomb, with the gum. Seal Team Six just swooped in to take me home. And we dropped the bomb in the water but Osama's body has been cryogenicaly frozen so they can study his cyborg weaponry.

    And that's what really happened.

Discovered a small paper from San Luis Obisbo, California.
I subscribed because it's awesome. All excerpts used without permission. 

The Amazing Cat Poop Patio.

Did you know that if you build a super amazing playset for your kids, and then build an equally amazing box around it, in which you put a load of sand, and you live in an area that has a bunch of cats, that said cats will turn the sandbox into a giant litterbox? You just shut-up, you didn't know that. Really? You did? Well I wish you would have told me.

     So now that you have a giant kitty box that your kids are playing in, what do you do? Ignoring the problem isn't a solution, child protective services and all that. Well, you could have a kitty barbecue. That would cut down on future contamination, and would be super tasty. But, it would do nothing for the poop currently in the play area. You could just get rid of your kids. But, the wife has put the kaibash on that. So, if you are a creative, think outside of the box type, here is what you do.

    Build a frame, next to the play area. Move the sand and the poop mixture into the new box. Lay some paving bricks over the sandy poop mixture. Something in a nice non-crappy design, like a lovely herringbone. Before you know it. Cat poop? What cat poop? Anyone for a barbecue? Oh, you'll get used to the smell.

Mr. Topper Kills Himself Way Better Than That Other Guy.

ASK MR. TOPPER

Dear Mr. Topper, did you hear about the guy who accidentally shot himself with a nail gun, decided it hurt so bad that he wanted to die and shot himself another 15 times in the head... and lived?!
  -  J. Meares

That's nothing. One time I was building custom house from some rich hollywood type, I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Steve-in Freel-burg". The only tools I had were a hammer, a chisel and a piece of sandpaper. As I was re-creating the famous miracle stairs of the Loretto Chapel with handmade mortise and tenon joints, I accidentally biscuit jointed my ear to the wall. OW. It really hurt, I had to put myself out of my misery.
     But, I didn't even have any nails, and I didn't want to mash my brains all over the place. So I pulled out my chisel and carved a regulation 16 penny nail out of scrap lumber. Then I placed the nail in the back of the my skull where the Medulla Oblongata is, (I studied brain surgery for a while - then decided I didn't want to work indoors) and expertly killed myself by driving a nail straight through my head with a single blow.

     I got better.

Flip's, I'm Not Very Inspired, I'll Make A List, List.

I haven't written since last Thursday, partly because I'm uninspired and partly because I got sidetracked in The Coffee Shop, the bloggers support/help site. (Damn you blogger-ites; or is it philes?) All the "how to blog" sites say that lists are an excellent blog tool; that they are easy and interesting. I don't get it, but who am I to argue with the experts?

Grocery List

Santa's List

To Do List

Craigs List

 

Angie's List

  

FBI Most Wanted List



Twinkie's List of Ingredients



Parts List



Listerine



Listing Ship

Dave Lister

That was EASY!

Mr. Topper on 127 Hours

Last time I was in California, I found a little newspaper from San Luis Obisbo and I subscribed. This week it started running a column called "Ask Mr Topper",  I love it. I think you will too.

ASK MR. TOPPER

Dear Mr. Topper, Did you hear about that guy who got trapped by a big rock in the desert and had to chop his own arm off? I hear they made a movie about it. That guy must be pretty tough, huh?! 

  -   Sincerely, John B.

Dear John B., That's NOTHING. One time I was in a parking garage, after a day of back room poker, where I made 100K on one hand, (royal flush, baby) and I was putting the suitcase containing my winnings, in the trunk of my '65 Shelby Cobra, (Candy apple red; four hundred clear coats, it practically glows!) when a ninja, the mob had paid, sprang out and slammed the trunk on my hand.

     When the trunk slammed on my hand I dropped my keys, under the next car. I went to get my authentic folding Japanese Katana out of my shoulder holster, (It's ceramic so I can carry it on planes, I pity the terrorist who tries to hijack a plane I'm on), so I could fight off the ninja and pull my keys to me, but just then the mob boys showed up and attacked me, en masse. I killed, like 50 of them, but they eventually overwhelmed me and took my keys, and my katana, then they started up the car and started dragging me out of the parking structure.

    So, I used my Kung Fu (10th level Midnight-Black belt) and chopped my arm off at the wrist. Before I let go of the car, I cauterized my wrist on the tail pipe, so I didn't bleed to death. Then I ran back to the pile of dead guys, and chopped a guys hand off, whose hands were about the same size as mine. Then I ran to the nearest sporting goods store, it was about 5 miles away, and grabbed some fishing line and a hook and then I sewed that dead mobster's hand onto my arm. And now you can't even tell. And if I ever catch those mobsters, there is gonna be hell to pay, I can tell you that.