Dreaming And Collateral Damage.

Police spokesman Impossible Purple Smith said that nearly thirty subconscious beings were hurt or killed in a violent night of dreaming. Dream police are investigating crime scenes in several dream sequences that severely injured and even killed dozens of dream citizens. In a night of violence that the dream community hasn't seen since the fever dream of aught six, in which hundreds of citizens were transformed into zombies and then mowed down by a delirious Dreamer and his deadly bubblegum spewing machine gun.

   In the first incident of the night, the Dreamer killed several when the stunt he was performing, went awry. The motorcycle he was attempting to jump over fifty school buses with, transformed into a bulldozer in mid jump and crushed a busload of New Jerseyans who were on their way to Las Vegas to be Roy in the new Seigfreid and Roy show.

   Next the Dreamer was involved in a flying mishap. Ever since learning the secret of flight as a youngster, the Dreamer will periodically engage in unmanned flight. This dream started like all the others, with the Dreamer gently distributing his weight out over the air and slowly lifting up first one leg and then the other. After a few tentative pulls at the air, he began zooming around. Several onlookers copied the dreamer and also began to fly. Unfortunately, when the Dreamer flew into another dream sequence they lost the ability to fly, and many of them plummeted to their untimely deaths.

   In the last violent attack of the night, apparently fueled by a spicy food and pre-bed sci-fi reading, dozens more were killed and injured. The Dreamer spent a good portion of the night in a mutated version of the chapter he read before falling to sleep, and wielding a glowing obsidian sword, battled wave upon wave of citizens disguised as orc-like creatures. The crime scene is expansive and grisly, and the exact casualty numbers may not be known for some time.

   No charges are pending against the Dreamer, as he has ultimate diplomatic immunity. The dream prosecutor does intend to introduce feelings of inadequacy and failure into future dreams as a punitive measure.

Is That A Twinkle In Your Eye, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The first thing people tell me when they meet me for the first time is, "Wow, you really have a sparkle in your eye!" Well, not the first thing. The first thing is usually, "Your fly is down," or "Jeez, Cyrano de Bergerac has nothing on you," or "Is that Eau de vomit you're wearing?" But the sparkle thing usually comes up at some point.

   But it wasn't always that way. It used to be that people would avoid me on account of my cold dead eyes. (And possibly the vomit smell thing.) But then I discovered Super Sparkle Eye Polish, NOW WITH 50% MORE GLITTER. With the advent of this miracle product, the world of sparkling eyes is no longer limited to mythical forest elves, Icelandic rock stars and vacant beauty pageant contestants.

   Now you can have that certain twinkle in your eye. Just apply a small dab of Super Sparkle Eye Polish to the tip of your finger and rub it gently over your eager eyeball. In just a few short days after the burning subsides, you simply re-apply the gel, and after the burning subsides again, you'll notice that you can't see a thing. That should subside... in a few months. Repeat the process several more times and you will possibly notice a marked improvement in the sparkle-ocity of your peepers. The compliments will likely pour in. And you most probably won't be blind for life.

There Is Nothing New Under The Movie Marquee.

Hollywood is turning more and more to tried and true titles and franchises. Batman, Spiderman, and James Bond have all been rebooted. Old Movies and beloved TV shows are getting the modern big screen treatment. DC, Marvel and Hasbro are searching their catalogs for some untapped gold. With that in mind I have several ideas I would like to submit to the Hollywood powers that be.
    Fatal Attraction 2 A fresh and interesting departure from the original. In this movie a married man cheats on his attractive wife with a less attractive crazy woman who isn't happy to be ignored when the affair ends. In the climactic scene the crazy woman kills and boils the family's pet Llama.

  Chess: The Movie! A cerebral, (slow, plodding) black and white, period piece with lots of highfalutin accents, funny hats, and inexplicable idiosyncratic movements. Murray Head performs One Night In Bangkok at least fifteen times.

   Super Strong Lad An obscure superhero from the golden age of comics. Little Percival Campbell is struck by lightning at summer camp and turned into Super Strong Lad, a mighty hero imbued with the uncanny ability to open any lid, no matter how stuck on it is. In the 1950's Super Strong Lad opened bottles for the president, random housewives and in a display of non-PC misogyny, Wonder Woman. In this updated version Super Strong Lad must open a secret alien jar before the world is destroyed by beautiful but devious Femartians. But first he must face his kryptonite, the common tin can.

    Public Defender Squirrel An unpublished John Grisham novel, about the adventures of Samuel, the plucky squirrel from the wrong side of the forest who defends small helpless rodents from the clutches of the villainous Owl and his evil chicken henchmen. Written when John was only twelve. Screenplay by a gangly eight year old David Mamet and polished by an as yet unborn Quentin Tarantino.

   Ninja Knives of Death! A reboot of the classic 1981 infomercial for Ginsu Knives by Ronco. In this version our intrepid protagonist hero, Hiro Protagonist, is attacked by ninja assassins wielding tin cans, tennis shoes, and even tomatoes. All that stands between Hiro and certain grisly death, is the best set of never dull, made in America, stainless steel, machine forged, Ninja killin' knives that can be purchased for only two easy payments of $19.99.

   The Scrabble Players Dictionary This bestseller gets the full Michael Bay/3-D/IMAX/Disney Digital/ILM/Pixar/explosions galore/Joss Whedon/Comic Con/special effect driven/action adventure rom-com buddy pic/big budget work-up that is has always deserved. Starring Helen Mirren, Dame Judy Dench, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, and Bowser from Sha Na Na.