I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Outsource You? I Don't Even Know You.

As soon as I got into work this morning, there was a note on my chair telling me to go see the boss, ASAP. That's never good. I knocked on his door and he invited me to come in and sit down. 
No, you idiot. Sit in a chair.
Oh, thank you sir.
Do you know why I called you in here this morning?
I think so sir. And I just want to apologize to you. I never meant to start the orphanage on fire.
You what? Nevermind. Not that.
Oh. Then I would like to apologize for flooding the Adorable Pets store and drowning all the puppies and kittens.
Not that either.
For getting the plumbing wrong at the old folks home and inadvertently turning all the toilets into a sort of deadly bidet cannon?

No. Maybe you should stop apologizing.
Yes sir. Sorry sir. Ooh, did it again. Sorry sir. Dangit! Sorr...
SHUT IT! No, I've called you here to let you know that your job has been outsourced.
Outsourced sir?
Yes. Outsourced. To India.
But I'm a plumber sir.
What sir?
I said, barely. You are barely a plumber.
Well, that seems uncalled for sir.
When you attempted to fix my kitchen faucet, I mysteriously had hot and cold running water flowing out of my 60" flatscreen.
I already apologized for that sir. And on the bright side, watching Titanic was incredibly immersive.
If I want immersive, I'll buy a 3-D TV.
Maybe water is the next dimension sir.
It isn't. You also melted my hot tub.
Not my fault sir; who knew you couldn't use a pizza oven to heat a hot tub.
Everybody but you, apparently.
OK, I'm not the best plumber in the world. But what am I supposed to do now?
You said my job had been outsourced.
To India.
Where am I going to work now?
What? How am I supposed to get to India?
UPS. There's a crate in the back.

I don't think this is legal.
Outsourcing has been going on for years.
Jobs. Not people.
I couldn't very well outsource a plumbing job to India, without a plumber. That doesn't make much sense.
But, they have substandard plumbing in India sir.
You're a substandard plumber. That's a perfect match, I'd say.
So I've been outsourced. Who are you going to replace me with here?
A spicy chicken vindaloo and a bag of naan. 
A chicken vindaloo can't plumb.
Neither can you.
So you traded me to India for a vindaloo?
Basically yes. But, outsourcing just sounds more official.
And there you go, turns out this might be my last post for awhile. I'm not sure how long it takes to get to India via ground freight.