I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Five Minute Rule Doesn't Always Apply.

Would somebody just write down the unwritten rules already?! I have always been told there is a five second rule on things that drop on the floor. Meaning you can eat anything, as long as it has been on the floor for less than five seconds. But apparently there are unwritten addendums to this rule.

For instance, if someone accidentally drops their baby on the floor, it is considered bad form to eat said baby. But they're so tender.

If you are in Lower Crackton and Shaky Pete drops his hypodermic needles, you're not supposed to snack on them. Although, you do get a euphoric sensation, with a side of toxic face rash.

Don't eat anything that comes out of a pet. Unless you have a pig, and he drops a plate of tasty, tasty bacon.

No, on rocks. Especially, hot rocks. This includes both rocks spewed out of volcanoes and meteorites from space. Not nearly as delicious as one would think. 

Hair clippings at a barber shop, are right out. Filling, but has a weird aftertaste. Like sweat, horse mane and soap. 

Don't eat birds. Well, live ones anyway. Technically, they are landing and not falling. Plus they don't appreciate being eaten, and they have sharp beaks and claws which they use with abandon.

Most anything that your kids drop is bad. Sure, they'll drop a cookie or an ice cream cone occasionally. But it's mostly just toys, wrappers, and boogers.

Don't try tools at the local construction site. Especially power saws; they bite back.

I wouldn't suggest random pianos and anvils dropped by diabolical coyotes. In my experience ACME doesn't make anything even remotely edible.

No medical waste. Not matter how appetizingly packaged.

Car crashes are verboten. Burning glass gives wicked heartburn.

I have taken the liberty of writing down these unwritten rules for the greater good of the public. Rest assured this is not the complete list, it also includes clothes, hot casings at the gun range, tree leafs, tree branches, trees in general, gauntlets that have been thrown down, basketballs, baseballs, footballs, well any kind of balls really, pretty much anything on the freeway, everything at the dump, and lastly, downed power lines. Hopefully, as it is Thanksgiving, somebody will drop a turkey dinner with all the trimmings and you can eat that. 

On Monday a new blog will debut wherein you can ask questions to the seven cardinal sins. I'm not sure why you would seek advice from the seven cardinal sins. It's kind of wrong, really. Nonetheless, I am helping Sloth out, because he is to lazy to do it himself. http://sinquiry.blogspot.com