How To Throw An Office Christmas Party.

Come in and sit down please. No, sit on a chair. Thank you.
What's up, bossman?
Do you know why I asked you in here?
You want me to buy into your lucrative Multi Level Marketing elbow polish business?
What?
I don't know, I was just guessing.
That was the weirdest guess I've ever heard.
It's a good idea though, right? How come nobody ever thought of that before?
Because it's stupid.
Stupid? Or genius?
Stupid. Unbelievably stupid.
So you don't want to buy into MY elbow polish business?
That's not a real thing.
It is. Haven't you noticed how young and supple my elbows are?
I haven't. And I don't want to talk about elbows. I want to talk about the events of earlier today.
To which events would you be referring to?
You really have to ask?
So, the office Christmas party then?
We don't have office Christmas parties.
Until today. That par-tay was off the hiz-ook.
If by off the hiz-ook, you mean it was highly inappropriate, then yes it was.
What was inappropriate about it?
For one, you were dancing naked on the reception counter.
I wasn't naked.
Just because you were wearing a lampshade and a mistletoe belt buckle, doesn't mean you weren't naked. And just where did you get a lampshade from?

I brought it from home. I thought it would add to the holiday ambience.
And you didn't find this behavior in any way inappropriate?
I just wanted you to take the stick out of your proverbial you know what, and loosen up. It's a Christmas Par-tay.
There is a reason we don't have Christmas par-tays. We work at the Jewish Medical Center.
Uh-huh.
The JEWISH Medical Center.
I don't see the problem.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Everybody celebrates Christmas. It's a worldwide thing, like the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving.
There are so many things wrong with that statement. Listen, the Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
Why not? Wasn't Jesus a Jew?
Oh my goodness. Listen. Jews just don't celebrate Christmas. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
So... OK. I shouldn't have had a Christmas Party at the Jewish medical center. Can I go?
Not yet. There's more. What is the department we work in, at the Jewish Medical Center?
The rehab department.
Correct. Knowing that, do you think it was appropriate for you to replace the water in the water cooler with everclear?
You always spike the drinks at an office party.
This was NOT an office party. It was a Monday.
It turned into a FUN-day.

All of our patients are in relapse, thanks to you.
They all seemed pretty happy to me.
They don't want to be happy. They want to stop drinking. And now most of them are puking in the trashcans.
Happily puking. That's the mark of a good party.
Additionally, half of the staff are passed out in the break room, and the the others are involved in a spirited round of some sort of combat karaoke.
They're involved in a team building exercise. Plus, fighting AND singing? They're totally multi-tasking.
Do you ever say anything that ISN'T stupid?
No. I mean, yes. Wait, what? I'm confused.
Never mind. Finally, let's get to the matter of Miss Nussbaum.
There is nothing the matter with Miss Nussbaum, if you know what I mean.
The matter concerning Miss Nussbaum and the phone.
Oh that. Tradition sir.
I am not aware of that tradition.
You know, sir. In the movies, there is always that one hot female employee that sits on the copier and makes copies her butt, to pass around. Well, you have the copier locked up in your office, so we were just going to take pictures with a phone and then send ourselves a photo message and then print it off of the computer printer.
Very industrious. But unless I'm a little unclear on this, the photo isn't supposed to be of the inside.
Well no. But Miss Nussbaum was rather thirsty today and partook of the holiday spirits rather liberally and fell whilst taking the aforementioned picture.
Just so you know, at the moment, she is in the Emergency Room getting the phone surgically removed.
Lucky we're close to an emergency room.
That's not luck. We work at a hospital.
Well at least she was drunk.
I sincerely doubt she would be in this predicament if she wasn't drunk. You realize I'm going to have to let you go, don't you?

Oh sir, you can't do that. Especially not around the holidays.
And that's another thing. What holidays? It's the middle of June.
That means it's Christmas in, like, Australia or something.
No, it doesn't. Please find your clothes and get out.
Whatever. You're a total scrooge.

What Do You Think I Am, Some Kinda Fairy?

Oh my goodness. Do you need some help?
Why? Because I'm a fairy. Or, just because I'm old?
Uh... no.
You patronizing me, you little sissy?
No sir, I uh... it just seems that your struggling with that a little.
You just think I'm some kinda old pansy don't you son? Some weak ass old flamer that can't handle a little bit of weight.

I didn't think that at all.
You're just going to come down here and and help the old feeb. You with your fancy pants, and yo...
They're just Dockers.
What?
They're not fancy. They're just Dockers, Levi's makes 'em. I think.
You with your fancy pants and your ridiculous shoes.
They're just shoes.
Fairy shoes.
Loafers.
Might as well be wearing high heels, son.
Whatever, you old kook, I'm leaving.
To your boyfriend? You Pooftah.
Listen you jerk of an old man, I just wondered if you needed help. You obviously don't. So just lay there under that fridge and be hateful.
Oh, I suppose I'm getting crushed by a fridge because I'm a fairy?
No. Because it's crushing you.
Maybe I'm just taking a nap.
Under a fridge?! You're not even sleeping.
I might be.
You aren't. What is your problem?!
I don't have a problem, you pansy.
I would say you have tons of problems. The least of which is the fridge that is crushing you.
Oh, is that your professional shrink opinion, Dr. Pansy Pants?
You're a pathetic a*hole.
An A*HOLE?! You can't even say ass? THAT is pathetic. You are an even bigger girl than you appear to be.
I'm leaving.
Can't handle the heat can you?
The heat?
The fridge heat.
Fridges are famously not hot, jerk face.
Ooh, aren't you smart? Little Miss Nerdy-kins.
Are you actually trying to bully me while you're being crushed?
I'm not a bully. You dork.
Why don't you just intimidate that fridge off of yourself? Bully.
I tried. It didn't respond.
Maybe you weren't mean enough. Did you question it's sexuality or insult it's mother?
Yes. It didn't even budge.
You're a sad, sad, man. Here, let me push this off of you. 
Ugh. Thanks, Geek-a-rella.
You ungrateful ball of hate. Goodbye.
Wait. Let me at least buy you a drink.
No thanks. The last thing in the world I would do, is spend another second with you.
C'mon. There's a bar just around the corner.
No, I have to go to... somewhere. Somewhere that isn't here.
Be a man, you little sissy.
Goodbye. 
Wait. So if you ever change your mind, the bar is called "The Manhole" and I'm almost always there.
Isn't that a gay bar?
Yeah.
You've been using gay slurs on me this whole time.
So? Oh, I get it. Now you think I'm all gay, just because I'm all gay?!

Taxi!
Hey, come back! Why are you running away! Come back here, you pansy!



After the urging of hundreds of my readers, and by hundreds I mean tens, and by tens I mean literally that one guy, I will submit this to Dude Writes. http://dudewrite.blogspot.com/

You Like Me. You Really, Sorta, Kinda, Maybe A Little Bit, Possibly, In A Small Way, Like Me.

Aubree at Akashic Aisles: The Basement View; (http://akashicwindow.blogspot.com) nominated me for a Leibster Award. (Excuse me while I go look up akashic... Ooh, it's Sanskrit for aether. Cool. I will definitely check out your blog now.) Anyway, Aubree nominated me for the Leibster Award, where I am three for three, three nominations, three years, three wins. Or maybe only two, I get confused. I may not get be getting paid, but at least awards make it all worth it. Unless you want to pay me, then I'll give back my awards, and go back to using the mantle as a place to put pictures of my kids, the little felonious ruffians. 
   The rules of winning are, you have to be nominated. Check. You have to nominate others, and you have to answer questions from your nominee-er... and you also have to come up with questions of your own? Damn. No, it's as easy as pie. But, more like buying a pie, not like making one, 'cause that is way harder, unless of course it's a pie where you just pour the pudding mix into the pre-made pie crust, that's sorta easy. Just like this.

1.) Do you consider yourself to be super-duper fly? Sorta. I'm a self deprecating, narcissist. Half the time I can't believe I'm not the King of the internet, and half the time I can't believe I managed to make it through the day without being exposed as a fraud. Inside I'm just an insecure little girl. But less manly. And somehow still pretty awesome, like Perry Farrell.

2.) What is your favorite reality show? I used to watch the first couple weeks of "Idol", and I've seen a couple episodes of "Survivor" over the years, and I'll watch "Chopped" if it's on, (just so you know, it's a misnomer, nobody ever loses body parts like the title suggests,) but I really like my shows to be scripted, I love good writing. Especially on a funny sitcom. That being said, I love sports, which are the original reality shows, so I guess Sports would be my answer. 

3.) Do you fear that the Apocalypse or Armageddon will occur in your lifetime? Like the Zombie Apocalypse? If it does I'll probably end up being a zombie. But, I'll be the best Zombie I can be. Just in case, I am going to have a steak and see if my wife wants to fool around on the 20th.

4.) What is one of your top three favorite quotes of all time?

1) She turned me into a newt. I got better. -Monty Python
2) I'm picking out a thermos for you. -Steve Martin
3) ...and that's when I developed my drinking problem. -Airplane
4) I do not think that word means what you think it means. -Inigo Montoya
5) It is also one hell of a thing to get hit with in the small of the back. -Douglas Adams

...and to explain my poor counting ability, I leave you with:

6) then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. -Monty Python

5.) Who is your Favorite writer? Douglas Adams. And The Monty Python crew. Steve Martin. Dave Barry. Tolkein. Card. King. William Goldman. Greg Garcia. 



6.) Can you recite any movie in its entirety, and if so, which one? The Holy Grail. The Jerk. Airplane. Not correctly of course, which really pisses off the Nerd-Nazi's. Who demand that you are exact, or they freak out and start hyperventilating. It's kinda fun really. Try it. Say something like "It's merely a flesh wound", and the nearest nerd will have a seizure of righteous indignation that you dared misquote a line. 


7.) What one person has most influenced your life thus far? I guess my Grandma. She was loving and kind... and funny. When I asked her where I came from, she told me "a crow crapped you on the fence, and the sun hatched you." When she needed a haircut she said, "I either need a haircut or a dog collar." The first time I watched Monty Python was at her house, she was awesome.

8.) What is your favorite childhood memory? Walking the mile and a half to my grandma's trailer so I could watch saturday morning cartoons. The good ones, like the original Looney Tunes, Laff-A-Lympics and Scooby-Doo. (OK, I know Scooby-Doo sucks in retrospect, but at the time it seemed so awesome!) 

9.) Why do you blog? I'm just waiting for my big break. One day some comedic writer is going to stumble across my blog (I'm talking to you Greg Garcia) be amazed at my talent and hire me. In the meantime, I'm trying to find my comedic voice. (So far my comedic voice is a gay nasally Bobcat.) 

10.) What is the most terrifying thing to ever happen to you? I remember that one time that I caught on fire and I thought I was going to die.  That was pretty scary. Yeah, that's probably the one.

And finally, number 11) Do you wipe front to back or back to front? yes.

Now to nominate people. First the triumvirate of evil. Or Axis of Awful. Or the three consistently funny blogs that I read that also almost always comment on my stuff. You guys are great, but don't feel obligated to participate. 

http://www.pickleope.com

http://chiz-chat.blogspot.com

http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com

http://www.abeerfortheshower.com The new guys to me. (I know where have I been?) And I think they are beyond small awards like this.

http://stuffsammisays.blogspot.com I have always liked Kevin and his writing, back since The Coffee Shop days.

Also, also. I am a fan of Shay, who doesn't need another Leibster. Workingdan who doesn't like awards. The crew at Sinquiry. Violet and Drone who rarely post anymore. Petite and Cowgirl who never post anymore. My cousin Jonathon at Troy Town who is a talented writer and also Josh Meares who is incredibly intelligent and spiritually authentic.

I HAVE TO COME UP WITH QUESTIONS NOW? Are you sure this an award?

What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Boobs. What's not to love?

If you had a time machine, and you could have dinner with anybody in history, would you wake me up last Tuesday so I won't be late anymore?

If you live in a glass house, would you take up curling?

Who is your favorite Vlad?

Juggling cats: Healthy animal bonding or animal cruelty? 

Does this look infected to you?

Is it OK for a man to cry? What if he just lost a limb? But then what if he just never shut-up about it? OK, OK, we know you lost a limb. Get over it, that was like 90 minutes ago. Fricking baby. Don't you hate that?

What color banana hammock do you prefer? Corral, watermelon or a peachish pink?

The Utah Jazz?

Shouldn't Olivia Newton John just officially change her name to Olivia Neutron Bomb?