I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Friday, March 14, 2014

I Don't Know If I'm Getting Older Or If The Doctors Are Getting Younger.

Hey dude, what's uOH MY GOD, YOU'RE BLEEDING!
I know. I just got back from the doctor. I had a rash, and he treated it for me.
TREATED IT?! It looks like he ran a cheese grater over your arm and then rubbed dirt on it.
That's exactly it. You must be a patient of Doctor Toddler as well.
Not likely. There's no way I would go to your Doctor Mengele.
His methods might be a little unorthodox, but he gets results.
Results?! Like the time he took out your molars with a ball peen hammer?
I admit, that hurt a lot. BUT, I don't have problem with impacted wisdom teeth anymore.
Yeah, and you still eat your steaks through a straw.
Every cure has side effects.
And how about that vasectomy?
It was a bloodless, non invasive, in-patient office visit.
He and his "intern" kicked you in the crotch for thirty minutes. 
Everybody is a little sore afterwards... 
You sat on frozen peas for six months. 
AND. You had another kid, you idiot. It didn't even work.
There are no guarantees in science.
There kinda are. I guarantee you'll hit the floor if you throw yourself at it. Gravity is automatic.
You make it seem like I am the first guy to have a kid after a vasectomy.
No. Just the first one to let his "doctor," and I use the word loosely, play soccer with his testicles.
You live and you learn.
You're going to be learning about this one for another eighteen years. Are you sure he's even a doctor?
Well, he does have a stethoscope and a white lab coat.
Those are not qualifications. Doctors have to go to medical school, not just a supply closet.
And he's very persuasive. And bossy. 
So is my wife. And I don't go to her for my medical emergencies. 
Of course not, that would be silly. 
She would probably dispense better medical advice than Doctor Toddler. What kind of name is that anyways? Toddler. French? Russian? Thai? What?
I'm pretty sure it's just regular old American.
Really? The only time I've heard toddler in American English, is referring to a child.
Yeah, that's it.
Your doctor is a child?
Yup. Practically a baby. Five or something.
That would explain the odd remedies. What? Is he a genius? Some kind of Doogie Howser? 
Nah, he's more of your basic kindergartner, kind of an idiot, really. 
Then why in the world are you going to him?
Because, he said I have tons of cooties, and the best way to fight cooties, was to drink LOTS of beer. As much as I want! I finally found a doctor that says I should drink more, instead of less. So I might have another kid or two, and I might lose a little blood now and then, but I don't care, I'm half drunk all the time anyway. Yeah, swollen testicles suck, but it's a small price to pay for unlimited, prescribed beer. I've never been so happy in all my life.
That is the stupidest thing I have ever… all the beer you want? …heard… um, do you know if he is accepting new patients?