Yes it is. How may I help you?
Good. Yes, well, I recently purchased the World's Most Accurate GPS device from you.
Yes, isn't it wonderful?
NO! Are you kidding me?! It's a piece of crap, and I want to return it. AND I want a full refund.
I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't you tell me what the problem is.
It doesn't work.
Again, I'm sorry to hear that. Has it led you astray?
It didn't do anything, because it doesn't DO anything.
Oh, I'm sorry. Have you accidentally taken a wrong turn and driven off the planet?
What?! No! That's ridiculous.
But, sir that is the only possible way the World's Most Accurate GPS could possible fail to accurately locate your position.
Your product couldn't locate it's ass with both hands. Because, once again, your product doesn't do anything.
Sir, that is not true. The Worlds Most Accurate GPS failure rate is four in six billion. Those are astounding odds. Far and away the most accurate GPS system ever invented.
ARE YOU INSANE?! It doesn't do anything.
Perhaps, you assembled it incorrectly.
Do you have the location indicator correctly oriented to the global location area?
I followed the directions exactly.
Well then, I don't see what the problem is.
Do you even know what a GPS is supposed to do?
Well, most of the GPSs on the market use a series of satellites to triangulate your position.
Ours accurately locates your position with NO satellites. And it doesn't need electricity.
It doesn't need batteries or satellites because it doesn't do anything.
Sir. You are being unreasonable. Look at your device. Does it, or does it not accurately represent your current location?
No. It does not.
Alright, it does. But not really. It's not what I expected.
Sir, I hardly think that you buying a product with preconceived notions and our product not living up to those random benchmarks is reason for a refund.
But all the other GPSs on market accurately pinpoint your location and then provide you with directions on how to get to another location.
Sir, we didn't promise direction assistance.
But your GPS isn't very precise.
Again, we did not promise, pin point precision. Our only selling point was unerring accuracy.
Look, I just want my money back.
Sir, you have not given me any reason to give you a refund. Even by your own account your GPS is accurate.
A reason? You want a reason?! I'll give you a reason. Because your so-called GPS is nothing more than a miniature globe hanging from my rear view mirror, with a red arrow with the words "You Are Here" printed on it, attached to the globe by a piece of wire.
But sir, you are here on the Earth. The World's Most Accurate GPS is absolutely correct.
Oh whatever, keep my $50. It's worth it, just to not have this conversation anymore. I feel like I'm in hell.
Well if you ever do find yourself there, give me a call, because then the World's Most Accurate GPS would be incorrect, and you would be eligible for a full refund.
Late breaking update: the boys at Beer for the Shower wrote another book, (I know; they're addicted,) and here is a nifty link, or ad, or something. The best use of 99¢ since, ever.
I'd better get a beer out of this, dammit!
Or a shower. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.