I had another birthday. I just turned the answer to life, the universe and everything. (Geeks will get it. On a side note, I am sad I didn't think of this before my birthday, and then I would have had a Douglas Adam's inspired party.) Anyhow; I decided it was time to take stock of my life. I could either look at my life pessimistically or optimistically. OR, like the cubists, I could look at it all three ways. (Don't forget the tin foil hat perspective.) Here goes:
A) Another day closer to death. All my joints hurt and getting up is getting to be an adventure.
B) At least nobody asks me to help move furniture anymore.
C) The world is flat. That is four (4) edges, plus the front and back, that's two (2) sides. 4 and 2. 42. It's a sign man, I've ripened. They're coming for me!
A) I have thinning hair, and what's left is mostly grey. Even the beard; which I don't really even care for. (The wife likes it.)
B) Right now, it is stylish to have ultra-close shaved hair. And the beard makes me look muy macho, plus it helps make my aquiline nose look smaller. (Pretty sure that's why she likes it.)
C) If you have too much hair the foil doesn't sit right and then you're practically a lizard alien mind slave.
A) Despite my creative talents, and an AA degree in Computer Animation, I am a plumber.
B) I don't have to pay some idiot $75 bucks an hour to fix my pipes; I am that idiot.
C) Don't drink the water man! The "government" adds fluoride to subdue and control you, man. P.O.E.
A) I can't even be alone in the shower. The baby, the kitten, and countless toys always join me.
B) I never get lonely. Or bored. Trip over stuff? Yes. Bored or lonely? No.
C) You have to keep clean, they track you by the hair and dead skin you leave behind. Get it off, GET IT OFF!
A) I have been married to the same woman for 15 years; being married is hard.
B) I have been married to the same woman for 15 years; being single is WAY harder.
C) I have been married to the same woman for 15 years; she would lay eggs in my ear if I thought about leaving.
A) I have to spend most of my free time working on the house so it doesn't fall down.
B) I have gotten pretty handy, I am now a cross between McGyver and Bob Villa. I can repair that car-shaped hole in my wall with a ball point pen and a crew of illegal immigrants.
C) You should coat your walls with lots of lead paint and asbestos. It's the only thing keeps "them" out of your mind. Why do you think "they" outlawed it?
A) I live in a madhouse, mainly due to three whirlwinds of yelling, door-slamming, fighting, destructive prepubescent testosterone.
B) At least I don't have three girls.C) I'm pretty sure the alien overlords have replaced my original children with genetically created world conquering shock troops, but they sent me the defective ones that got rejected from regular service because they were naughty and unnecessarily violent, plus they are brain damaged.
A) I drive around in a beat-up, ugly-ass, broken-down mini-van.
B) The thing about mini-vans? All your crap fits in them. ALL of it. And who am I going to impress? Have you seen me?
C) Why are you driving?! You shouldn't leave your house. EVER. And get yourself some cats. Lots of cats. Cats make excellent alien invader perimeter alarms. Plus if you get hungry... Kitty Tacos are hard to beat.
A) I have been working for twenty years and have no retirement plan.
B) Maybe this writing thing will pay off eventually. Tell your friends, spread the word.
C) Bah, who cares? The world ends in 2012.
