I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Monday, October 22, 2012

A Tortuous Performance Review.

Please sit down Mr... Taupe, is it?
Yes, sir. Taupe. Sir.
Good. Good. Let's get to it shall we?
Yes sir. I'm a little nervous sir.
Oh nonsense. It's just a performance review. I'm not going to torture you or anything. HAHAHA!
Oh, good one sir. Haha.
So... Mr. Taupe, how long have you been with us?
Uhm, well. Thirty-five years.
You've been with the department for thirty-five years?
No sir! I've been alive for thirty-five years. I thought that you were using us, all encompassingly, to include the human race.
I wasn't.
Oh sorry. I AM a little nervous sir.
It's fine. How long have you been with The Department?
Eight years, sir.
Excellent. And how long have you been in your current position?
I would guess one minute sir.
You told me to sit down and then I sat down and then, blah blah blah, HAHAHA, blah blah blah, how long, nervous, How long have you been in your current position? I'd say about a minute. A minute-ten maybe.
It's not too late to change my mind on the whole torture thing, you know. Don't be so literal, you moron. How long have you held your current job?
As a persuasive verity extraction engineer?
A what?
Well, it's just that Torturer seemed so out of touch with the modern parlance. A little un-PC, if you know what I mean. 
Are you for real? 
According to Descartes; probably.
Yes sir. Nervous sir.
How long have you tortured people for a living? And don't include whatever mental anguish you inflicted on your parents as you were growing up, or (heaven forbid) your spouse.
I got promoted to Torture Technician Level One, about thirteen months ago, sir.
And how would you say it's gone?
Great, sir! I've really made some good friends. And we've really done some amazing things and...
I could care less about your personal life. Have you gotten any usable intel?
Oh, yes sir.
Such as?
Well, let's see. I know about a hip little Korean speak easy in Pyongyang. Umm,  I can order vodka while flirting with the cocktail waitress, in Russian or Mandarin. Let's see. Oh, I learned a really excellent new recipe for humus and I can make a Cuban coffee that is just electric.
So you're telling me that you have been torturing your prisoners for thirteen months and this is all you've come up with?
There's a ton more. I mean this is just off the top of my head.
Is the rest of your intel similar in scope?
Uh, pretty much sir. I would say so.
You followed the guidelines in your torturers handbook? And this is what your prisoners gave up to you in their despair and pain? Recipes? Flirting advice?
Oh well... about that sir. You see, I had just gotten the job as torturer and things in my life were a little hectic... and well um, it's possible that I used the pages of my torturers handbook as packing material when I moved out of my mothers basement. And I've just winged it since then.
Why didn't you just ask for a new book?
Oh, well that's embarrassing sir. And plus I remember some of it. There were some parts about water boarding and something about fingernails and some other stuff.
So you've been using water boarding? Excellent.
Oh, yes sir. First we tried it in Cuba, but the waves were non-existent. Then we tried Hawaii, but that was too intense. The consensus favorite was Southern California; warm, good waves, nice scenery. Although we've all been talking about a trip to Tahiti, we hear they have some really tasty waves there.
I believe you are talking about Boogie Boarding. And that is not really torture in any sense of the word, what else have you been up too? (I shudder to ask.)

Well, sir. There was a chapter on pulling fingernails. So I've done some of that.
Really?! That's great. How did that go?
Well, it was a little rough at first. I couldn't get them to come out, and the prisoners were definitely not liking it. But then I found a Vietnamese place down the street who specialize in difficult customers, and since then things have been great. Some of the guys had to be convinced to let someone touch their feet, but everybody is into it now.
It's sounds like you're describing manicures and pedicures. You are incredibly bad at this.
You really think so sir? Everybody at work says I'm great at my job.
Jeeze. Sir, you don't have to yell. That's why I'm so nervous.
You're making me so angry.
Sir, nobody can MAKE you anything. It's a choice. Perhaps I should ask; how are things at home? Sometimes, it helps to talk about it. I know that there are days when I have had a bad day and I bring that to work with me and the fellas have to let me know that I am using my words to hurt.
That is your job, you moron.
I'm so glad you agree. The counseling sessions are really starting to have an effect. Just the other day Ahmed opened up and told the group that he didn't think that his father ever really loved him.
Counseling is not your job. Hurting people is your job.
But sir, isn't it better to help these men realize that the only ones they hurt when they blow themselves up, is themselves?
NO! You are supposed to be pulling info out of these terrorists by any means necessary. By torturing them.
They don't like torture sir.
That's the point! Have you used the rack?
They prefer Queen size Posture-Pedics.
Iron Maiden?
We mostly play Disco at our mixers, it encourages people to mingle.
This is why you were nervous. You are officially the world's worst torturer.
Officially? That's fantastic sir. Does that title come with a raise?