A Larch, A Larch, The Fifth Of March.

Yesterday my family and I gathered together to celebrate our yearly, first annual Fifth of March celebration. And I was shocked to learn that nobody else celebrates this holiday, that we just made up. Appalled even. So I decided I would take a little time to share the origins of this special day, so that you also may share it with your loved ones.
   It all started back a hundred years ago in 1935 or 1622 or something like that, but the important thing is that it occurred on March 5th (probably). The New Mexicans and the Regular Old Mexicans were having a border dispute. The New Mexicans were upset that the  Regular Old Mexicans were wearing white after labor day and that they loved soccer. The Regular Old Mexicans were furious that the USA was going to create Reality TV and not embrace the metric system.

This tortilla is burning my nether regions!

   So one day the tensions boiled over and there was a Mexican standoff. A New Mexican/Regular Old Mexican standoff. They just stood there on the border, standing there. Standing and standing. Looking at each other while they stood. And then somebody said, "Hey, this is stupid." And that somebody was probably American because it came out in English. So it was decided that instead of a standoff they would do something more decisive. A battle was in order.
   The thing was, nobody really had time to die right at the moment, what with income taxes nearly due and the price of tequila skyrocketing. Guns and swords were right out. luckily both sides had brought lunch, so it was decided that a food battle would be used to settle their differences. The new Mexicans started the offensive with a furious attack of chilis, red and green they came down. The sky literally rained chilis. (Well not literally. Kinda more in the figurative way, but there was a lot. At least like 30.) And one of them hit a little Mexican kid. Or more like grazed him. But man was he pissed. Or perturbed maybe. Mildly annoyed. He noticed it, that's for sure.
   The Regular Old Mexicans launched a counter attack of Tortilla de Muerte de Fuego (or something like that).  Which roughly translates as Tortillas of Death of Fire. This consisted of throwing individual tortillas one at a time like frisbees, at the enemy. Oddly enough the tortillas were not on fire and didn't cause any fatalities or even reach their intended targets, as tortillas are famously non-aerodynamic, and floppy. Perhaps if they threw them in a bundle or fried them first there would have been some terrific collateral damage, but as it was they mostly just landed harmlessly inches away from where they were launched.
   Except for one that got caught in a gust of the infamous New Mexico wind and landed on a follicly challenged gentleman, who wasn't part of the conflict but had coincidentally, and unfortunately picked this very spot to nude sunbathe. The tortilla landed right on top of this gringo's naughty bits and caused him to jump up and run around screaming, "Don't touch me where my bathing suit covers! If I ever wore a bathing suit!" This caused the Mexicans, New and Old, to laugh. Then the naked bald man ran into the table where the Ladies Auxiliary was holding their inaugural Rumble on the Border Bake Sale. Which sent the ladies, their cakes, the bald guy and his loin tortilla flying ass over tea kettle. And that's when the March 5th Miracle happened.
   As the man flew though the air, he's indecent tortilla fell off and began to magically spin around and slice the Lady Auxiliary's baked goods into perfectly equal slices, one piece for everybody at the border conflict soirée. And then each pie, cake and fruited bread landed safely back on the bake sale table, sliced but otherwise unharmed. Both the Mexicans and the New Mexicans gathered around the table in wonderment, and as the magical crotch tortilla gently settled on the table amongst the baked goods they noticed that it bore the uncanny resemblance to one of the greatest men to ever walk the earth;  Elvis Aaron Presley. The crowd shared the baked goods and decided to put their differences aside.

   Later they realized they had just been party to something miraculous and pure and decided that they would commemorate March 5th each year. With feasts of chilis and tortillas and other Mexican foods. And they decreed that a bald man would perform the ritual cutting of the baked goods and that tortillas would be worn as underwear and there would be much rejoicing. And everyone vowed that they would keep the miracle of Elvis and Mexican food in their hearts throughout the coming year.
   And that is the story of Cinco de March-O. I hope that you find it inspiring and decide to celebrate March the 5th with your family next year. Just a tip; it's best not to fry the tortillas before putting them down your pants. If you must, at least wait until the oil cools. Talk about a hunka hunka burning emergency room visit.