So I convinced my children to try out for some sports. First they tried football (the American version, you pinko commies!) but my children are kinda tiny for their age and the helmet made them look like an orange on a toothpick or little evil bobblehead dolls. To make up for their lack of size, they started punching players in the groinal region to tackle them. Which was pretty effective, but highly illegal. And they even did it to players (and coaches) on their own team during practice. And speaking of practice, ughhh, they were supposed to practice all the time. What crap that is. They wanted me to pick them up and drop them off, like every day! If I wanted to spend that much time with them I wouldn't be trying to get them out of the house!
So we tried baseball. But again with the oversized helmet. But least this time there was no crotch punching. They didn't have to get that close. They could hit a crotch from 90 feet away. And bats. They gave them bats. I could've told the coach that one wasn't going to end well. In short order, there were twenty bruised and frightened children huddled in the dug-out as my boys chased the coaches and umpires around the baseball diamond shouting, "Warriors! Come out and play-ay." The baseball experiment was a short one.
Basketball was a little better. There wasn't any weapons or helmets. And the very fact that there are only ten people on the court at a time kept the sheer mayhem to a minimum. But my boys are spectacularly uncoordinated and can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, much less dribble and run and shoot baskets. Being terrible at something makes them frustrated, and when they get frustrated they get mean, and when they get mean people are going to pay. You have never seen so many Atomic Wedgies, Purple Nurples and Charlie Horses in your whole life. The local police and the parents of the other children (well mainly the police) convinced my children to give up basketball.
We were at our wits end. The kids didn't seem to be good at anything but had too much energy, and I desperately wanted them out of the house. Then one day it struck me as I was flipping through the channels. I stumbled across a soccer match. Of course. The answer was right in front of me all along. Instead of trying to force my children into the mold of sports that didn't suit them, my children needed to do something they were prodigies at.
So I created a league especially for my children and children like them. I formally announce the creation of, and invite your children to join in the inaugural season of, HIT YOU. The Hooligans In Training Youth Organized Union. At HIT YOU your kids will learn the finer points of Hooliganism; bottle throwing, lighting random things on fire, throwing objects (on fire and not) through store windows, pummeling panhandlers, derisive chants, kicking 'em while they're down, turning everyday items into projectile weapons, advanced lighting random things on fire, and MORE! For only $500, your child will learn these valuable lessons and come home with a jersey from his (or her) favorite team, a pair of black boots and a pool ball in a sock. Sign up now, space is limited.
