If You Don't Have Empathy You Can Just Suck It!

We are a selfish lot, this current batch of humanity. We all only think of what effects us, what makes us happy, and we don't stop to consider what other people are feeling. That's why I think we should all stop to consider what another person might be going through. And I think the next positive step would be to vocalize that understanding and try to reassure others that we empathize with them.

   For instance, when I was a waiter, I would often inform the customer that I had in fact not spit in their food, and at no time during the day did their meal spend any time inside of my pants. I would also assure them that it would be safe for them to give me a gratuity after the meal because I wasn't planning on using my tip money to buy monkeys and force them to have knife fights in my basement.

   I also have always thought that if you meet a homeless person or a toddler, it is perfectly acceptable, nay socially responsible, to urinate on yourself to make them feel more at ease. Because we all know that those type of people frequently have urine soaked clothes. *Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is a toddler or a bum, so I assume if they don't come up to my shoulder or they have holes in their clothes they are probably a toddler or a bum, or saddest of all, a homeless baby-bum, and I go ahead and wet myself. Better to err on the side of compassion I always say.

   I will frequently roll down my window on the freeway and let my fellow motorists know that I am not getting ready to flip out and start ramming my vehicle into theirs causing violent and explodey mayhem. I assure them they are in no danger of me turning the roadway into a bloodbath of twisted metal and broken bodies. I try my best to convince them at the top of my lungs that I will not use my 3/4 ton van as a weapon of death and destruction in a deadly round of bumper cars.

   And I find it important to inform the clerks and my fellow patrons in the local bank when I enter that I have no intention of pulling out a weapon and demanding all of the money, and that it is not necessary for everyone to get down on the floor. They all appreciate my kind thoughtfulness.

   Here are several more ways I show empathy to my fellow man. At the grocery store I frequently feel it is my obligation to tell all the shoppers that I am not a cannibal and that they should have no fear that I will subdue them and eat them for supper. When I am at the playground with my kids, I loudly inform the other parents that I haven't come to abduct their children. And random women at restaurants should know, I will not attempt to slip anything into their drinks and have my way with them.

   I hope you will use these pointers to become a better person.