I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Friday, April 6, 2012

Flip's Famous Fighting Style.

I think the key to making money, is to use your unique skill set to do something nobody else can. I have done this. After years of intensive research and rigorous training, I have come up with a combat style I believe to be undefeatable. I have been turned down for accreditation by all the bodies the govern combat arts, but that's just because they lack the vision and are slightly jealous they didn't think of it first. In addition I have not yet had any students graduate. They all leave before completing the course. It must be too rigorous or something.

   Despite the fact that I am unable to make a living teaching this style, I still believe in it. I share the basic tenants of my style in hope that it might save somebody's life someday. If you are ever in a life threatening situation; say you have been cornered by a mugger, or attacked by a gang of pregnant thugs, or confronted by a group of overly-aggressive Jehovah's Witnesses, or you see a clown. You are in danger; you may have to fight for your life!

   The first thing you should do is disrobe. Quickly take off all your clothes. Once you become a disciple of my fighting style you may find it easier to wear tear away clothes, available at many of your finer strip club clothing and accessory stores. If you are modest, it is permissible to wear one of your socks as a cod-piece.

   Next you need to start yelling and screaming like a madman, or a crazy cat lady, if you will. The more nonsensical and far-fetched the better. Start yelling about evil lizard people and purity of essence and vast right wing conspiracies and the Illumanati and fluoride controlling our minds and... whatever else you can scream hysterically. And cry. Weep, gnash your teeth and scream.
   Then start jumping around like a witch doctor from a bad movie. Crouch and beat the ground and flail your arms about. And then throw yourself into the air and kick and swing your arms about powerfully. Throw in some of that monkey mating video you saw on the Discovery Channel.

   If you have followed all of these steps, the fight should be over. Your opponent should have fled, all the while mumbling about how he isn't gonna fight a crazy person. If he hasn't fled, he is either a cop or you will have to resort to advanced methods.
*I take no responsibility for your personal safety should you attempt Advanced Flip Fighting without proper training. 
**Never mind. My lawyer has forbidden me from disclosing advanced tactics. Suffice it to say it involved urination, frothing at the mouth and smashing yourself in the face with a brick.

   If you follow these tips you too can survive a dangerous encounter. Just make sure you don't panic, and attempt at an inopportune moment... such as meeting the future in-laws. They'll never let you live that one down, believe you me.