I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Phrenologist To The Stars.

I think the key to making money, is to sell a proverbial load of crap to some weird rich people. And who is richer than those weirdos out in Hollywood? I saw the word phrenologist in the dictionary while looking for scrabble words to use against a six year old (yeah I know it's cheating, but he was killing me). I bet I could read bumps on peoples heads, and I bet I could get somebody to pay me to do it.

   I moved out to LA and set up shop in an abandoned Korean/Bangladeshi/Venezuelan/Pizza fusion roach coach. I put an ad in Variety, that I would give one free reading to any certifiable movie star. The next morning I had quite the little que. I chased away all the adult movie stars, (I wasn't going to touch them), but still had a couple of people in line when I opened up.

   Tom Cruise was the first one in. He was anxious to get started. I ran my fingers over the bumps in his head.
I can tell you're under 5'8".
You can tell that from my skull?
No. I can tell that because I'm looking down at you. Jeez you're tiny.
He stormed out.

   Next was David Hasselhoff.
C'mon! A movie star?! The last movie you were in was the Spongebob Squarepants movie.
He cried a little so I gave in. I inspected his skull.
I can tell you are a klutz.
How can you tell?
Because you have a lot of scars up here.
That's amazing!
Yeah kinda. Send in the next one on your way out, OK.

   And then Bruce Campbell walked in. Yes, that Bruce Campbell, star of such movie classics as Bubba Ho-Tep and Army of Darkness.
Do you know who I am?
Yes. You are Bruce Campbell. Stars of such movie classics as Bubba Ho-Tep and Army of Darkness. 
Are you the dirtbag taking advantage of these fine thespian types?
Excuse me?
Are you pretending to be an accredited phrenologist, and bilking these poor Hollywood bumpkins out of their hard earned money? Because, I am the self appointed Hollywood scam prevention officer and and I don't take kindly to you shysters coming around here.
No sir. I am reading their bumps. No scam.
You are reading the bumps on their skulls and giving them insights into their personalities?
Can you do that?
Supposedly. What have you been doing?
Looking at the bumps on their heads and telling them that they must've run into something.
You're an idiot. Go away. Or I'll put some bumps on your skull.
Yes, Bruce Campbell.
   Another dream died.