I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Friday, April 11, 2014

Jeopardy Champion.

I have always loved Jeopardy. There is just something about a competition pitting brain power that is appealing to me. And I would love to be on the show, but unfortunately I was facing one minor setback. I couldn't think my was out of a paper bag. I am just really, really, not smart. Me being on Jeaopardy with two other contestants would be me bringing a knife to a gun fight, or possibly me bringing a pointy stick to a tank battle.
   But what I lack in brains, I make up for in determination and sneakiness. First step, I set about to find some dirt on the contestant admissions coordinator. Turns out he was easy to blackmail, just slid him a couple of pictures of him on the "Fluffy Farm" from down in Mexico. Wow, that was way easier than I planned. I was on the show. Next step, win some money.
   The day of the show arrived, and my two competitors were the Wonder-dork twins. A man and a woman separated at birth, doctors or something. My plan was going to work out perfectly. When the first answer was read, I managed to buzz in before the others. And said loudly and confidently, "What is, I will punch the other contestants in the throat if they buzz in before me?"Alex told me that was the incorrect response, to the longest river in South America.  Nobody else had a guess. When the next answer came up I again buzzed in first and proclaimed, "I will give you such a titty twister." as I looked into my competitions face. Again, wrong. The question was actually "What is onomatopoeia?"The other contestants fidgeted uncomfortably, but didn't answer.
    That is when I started to realize that my plan had a fatal flaw. Even though I had stopped the other contestants from answering, I didn't know any of the right responses. I was going in the hole every time I opened up my mouth. By the time the first commercial break happened I had a negative $10,000. I would have to intimidate Trebek.
   After the commercial break, Alex comes over and asks the contestants some random crap about their boring stupid lives. "So you like to make collages out of soda caps?" "I hear you once saved an entire school bus full of children?" And then he got to me. "So… you're a troglodyte." And I said "What is I'll stab you in the face if I don't get some easier questions Trebek?" The words were barely out of my mouth when Alex's spinning back kick smashed into my face. Apparently, Alex is a ninth level blackbelt in Ninjitsu. About the same time my competitors found their nerve and I was hit with a taser from one side and mace from the other.
   When did nerds get so violent? Needless to say, I didn't win. I was drug off the set and dumped unceremoniously commissary dumpster. But the best part is that I am now an part of Jeopardy lore, and if you ever get on the show and they want to know who the worst contestant ever was. Flip McFliperson is the answer. Or the question. Or whatever.

*Also; I hate J. Here are some of the topics that I chose and then rejected as my J entry for this year, several that I even wrote several paragraphs for. Jell-O Artist. Jarhead. Juggalo Society And Culture Editor. Juggler To The Stars. Jerk Lessons. 
   Ugh, J sucks. I move that we strike it from the alphabet.