Zero Gravity Vacations.

Dear "Space Commander Flip,"

    I am writing to demand a full refund of my $1000. I recently watched the video of my Zero Gravity Vacation and it confirmed my suspicions that I had been duped. I knew the price was too good to be true, but the draw of space overcame my good sense.
   When I returned from my journey I was ecstatic, but as I came off of my euphoria I began to doubt my memories. Why you actually sent a video that exposes your fraud is beyond me. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that I did not in fact go to space, but that I was drugged and the subject of a crude charade.
   The Tang you served me when I arrived at your "camp," was undoubtedly laced with some form of hallucinogenic, most likely LSD, and the events that transpired thereafter were choreographed to deceive. Here are the major infractions, as I see them.
•  I now see that my spacesuit was in fact tinfoil, and the helmet was a regular cardboard box, with eye slits cut in it.
•  The space ship was a white Pontiac Montana with USA painted on the side. You simply drove me around your neighborhood, while listening to Space Oddity.
•  The "Hot Alien Babe" I was getting cozy with, was in fact some sketchy meth head painted green, with few teeth, wearing antennae, in a silver bathing suit. (I should've known this one was too good to be true.)
•  The space walk was a particularly egregious offense, you tied me to some weather balloons and launched me into the atmosphere. How is that safe?

   In conclusion, please return the full amount I paid for this bogus adventure, or I will be forced to turn you in. Also, do you know if the green woman is currently dating anyone right now? If she isn't, would you please give her my phone number?

Sincerely,

Lloyd Adamson

YAZOO®. The First Non-Pickpocketable Wallet In History.

When you travel the question is often; where do I store my valuables? My cash? My passport? My keys? And credit cards?
   Traditional wallets beg to be pickpocketed. Hotel safes are only as safe as the employees aren't corrupt, plus you don't have your valuables on your person. And worst of all there is the fanny pack, the dorky alternative that is sure to draw the derision of all the locals, marking you as a rube and a fool. What to do?
   Now with the YAZOO® patented wallet, you simply place your valuables inside of the handy dandy ergonomically designed YAZOO® Wallet, slide the wallet into the organic pocket mother nature provided for you, and the thieves will never stand a chance. You'll rest assured knowing you have your possessions in your possession, and that they are completely safe and as close as the next restroom.

X Marks The Spot Unisex Light Up Underwear Briefs.

Whisper-A-Gram.

The novelty message market is glutted; there is stripper-a-grams, and rap-a-grams, and dance-a-grams, and… uh, there's others. OK, maybe not glutted, but there's a lot. The one thing they all share is they are loud and annoying. But what the person you want to A-Gram works in a library or hates loud noises? That's where Flip's Whisper-A-Grams come in; simply give us your message and tell us who it goes to, and one of our rehabbed ex-cons will surprise your recipient with a unique and subduedly fun greeting.  

Vulture Protection.

Now before you get the wrong idea, I am not talking about saving endangered vultures, or birth control for vultures, or even human condoms from Vulture brands. No, I am talking about the scourge of the pet vulture world; dirty carrion covered vulture heads.
   Now nature has done it's best to try and alleviate this problem by providing the vulture with a bare head that the sun can bake dead flesh off of; but nature doesn't hold a candle to good old American latex rubbers. Simply place a Vulture Condom on your pet vulture before he goes off to feast on road kill. When he returns, simply pull off the bloody sheath, and you can can nuzzle your friend without tasting the decaying skunk he had for dinner.

Undercover Cop.

This didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. At least it's all documented on Facebook, so maybe I can figure out what went wrong.

But that is how it ended. Perhaps I should go back to the beginning.

Tarantula Toupée

For many men balding is inevitable, but the alternative is a terrible rug, that people make fun of at every occasion and that flies off at the slightest provocation. The hair often doesn't look real; and even shortsighted discount geishas can tell the difference between cadaver hair and actual hair from a living being, and if you're wearing one of those, well, no sexy for you.
   That's where my latest innovation comes in. We harvest the largest and hairiest Tarantulas from South America, and ship them to you, to wear as replacement hair. Not only does your new hair look natural and realistic, but it won't be dislodged in adverse weather. It's the first toupée that will bite onto your skull to remain in place. (Mild facial paralysis is not unheard of, but usually abates within hours.)
   Your significant other will love running their hands through your new hair, if the tarantula allows. And if anybody dare make fun of your new "rug" they will suffer dire consequences; they probably won't be laughing at your arachnid coif, after your new friend lays spider eggs in their sinus cavity.

Safety Instructor.

There are two ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way, and my way. And that makes me a perfect safety instructor. Because you know what they say, those that can't, teach. And my can't reaches levels that most people could only dream of. What you do is hire me to come to your business and I will assess your potential safety pitfalls. If there is a way for somebody to injure themselves at your place of business, I will discover it.
   I, myself, am responsible for at least thirty ridiculous warning labels on products currently on shelves. The, Do not use a hair dryer while taking a bath? That was me. The, Don't drop or otherwise abuse your propane torch, or you might catch fire and possibly die? Me also. I am also responsible for warnings about rolling forklifts, juggling live grenades, and climbing out of moving vehicles.

   Could somebody accidentally get their heads caught in a chair? If somebody tries to break into your business, could they get caught upside down on a fence by their pants, and pass out as the blood rushes to their brain? Could an idiot break his leg trying to do a flip off of the roof of your place of business? Hire me and find out. (The answer is yes on all accounts, by the way.)

Roller Derby For Blind Obese Nudists.

Sometimes even the fringe sports, which strive to be inclusive, sports for the disenfranchised, allow well deserving people to fall through the cracks. For instance, disc golf is terribly unfriendly to transgender quadruple amputees. And water polo won't bend it's rules and allow people that can't swim that suffer from agoraphobia to compete. But I aim to rectify this injustice in a least some small measure.

   So I found the must underrepresented group in history, and formed a roller derby league for them. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a hit, if I could get more people to sign up. But if the Gustafson twins, the only people to sign up so far, are any indication, it is gonna be the most amazing sport ever.

Question Nobody Asked; Answered. (The Cheeziest Q Ever.)

Question: I wonder where flip has been?

Answer: MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS! Uhhmm… I meant, here, I drew you a pretty picture. 

Parkour Middle Age Introductory Class.

The first time I saw somebody free running I was amazed. It was one of the coolest things I had ever seen, and I wished I had known something like that existed when I was a kid. I had run obstacle courses when I was in the Marines, but the whole flipping over railings, vaulting picnic tables and running up walls was totally next level. Shows like Ninja Warrior only made me more excited. And if I was stoked about it, I'm sure there were other middle aged guys feeling the same way. But I guess we missed the boat on this craze, we were just too old.
   Or were we? Maybe if I had a class that introduced Parkour to oldish fellows, I could learn some tricks and make some cash at the same time. Old guys have disposable cash, and guys never think they're too old for dangerous stuff. I'll just download some YouTube Parkour videos and then me and my class will try and replicate the stunts in the video. What could go wrong?

Epilogue. A lot could go wrong.
1) I lost half the class on the first stunt; jumping over the hood of a car. But that was mostly my fault, if I would have been paying attention I would have noticed the cars in the video were stationary, and not attempted this on the local highway.
2) When jumping over walls, it is important not just too make sure that you can clear the wall, but also what is on the other side, and that you are not, for instance, jumping into a guard dog training school.
3) We probably shouldn't have picked the Hell's Angels family picnic to practice table vaulting. They were a might perturbed when we knocked over all the molded Jell-O desserts.
4) Jumping from apartment building to apartment building is probably best left to the professionals.
5) An incorrectly timed rail jump is an excellent and cheap method of DIY vasectomy.

Occupied!

So say you're a young liberal and you really want to protest stuff and change things, but you can't take off from work because you have bills to pay, coffee and craft beer to drink, and fun things to do besides if you don't work you'll lose your nice stuff, ordinarily you would just sigh heavily and fire off an angry email to your senator, but now you can have all the civil disobedience with none of the inconvenience of sleeping on the sidewalk, lifting up heavy things to throw through windows, eating bad food, and getting maced by cops. Simply sign up with OCCUPIED! and we will take over the organization of demonstration. We will plan your anarchy for you from start to finish. You can show up for the Angry Sign Media Event or or watch the entire event from the comfort of your downtown apartment or local art studio/ coffee house. Sure it won't be cheap; a full fledged conflagration costs $250K, but change doesn't come cheap, literally. Sign up today and get free rabble rousers and graffiti vandals for the climactic police clash. You'll be doing your civic duty and still get to catch that local indie band you've just discovered you've always been a fan of.

For our conservative friends, we offer essentially the same package, except there is less throwing things through windows and more American flags and patriotic pandering. And everybody is armed.

Please make sure to specify which package you are interested in, so we make sure to compare the right person to Hitler. 

Naked Japanese. (Chef.)

The idea of using naked girls as serving platters for sushi has been around for awhile. But my concept is totally different, in my concept the chefs are naked. And it's teppan and not just sushi. And my chefs are Sumo wrestlers.
   The excitement and danger of the teppan experience is raised tenfold as the chefs dance around the sizzling teppan table, knives flashing, and parts flapping. You'll be amazed and ask yourself questions like: Where was he hiding that spatula? Has he showered recently? How does he avoid cutting that off?

 

Mermaid Modifications.

People are totally in love with mermaids again. I haven't seen this much mermaid love, since everybody in the world named their daughter Madison after Darryl Hannah in Splash. There has been people buying into mermaid hoax videos and just a general fascination with all things mermaid. But for the first time in history, instead of just dreaming about mermaids, you can be one. Come to Flip's Mermaid Modification, and we will turn you into a mermaid.

   It's a simple 36 hour surgery where we simply saw a dolphin in half, and graft the bottom half to where your legs used to be. Shark lungs and gills complete the procedure. And then you can frolic in the ocean to your hearts content. And the best part? No more pants. Assuming you survive the operation. That nobody has survived yet. You'll probably be the first.

Laugh Prescription.

Laughter is the best medicine, but do doctors ever prescribe it? No! Because they're in the pocket of the big pharmaceuticals companies. Before now, there wasn't anyplace to go and get your supply of sweet healing laughter.
   I changed all that. Now you can come to Flip's Laugh Dispensary and I will take all of your worthless western medicine and exchange it for valuable chuckles. Give me your Vicodin, Oxycotin, and Codeine and I will trade you priceless knock, knock jokes and invaluable punchlines.

Koala Knife Fights.

It’s impossible to find good animal based entertainment these days. Michael Vick gave dog fighting a black eye, and PETA has done their best to take the fun out of everything else, from cock fighting to monkey chainsaw battles. But I think I might have just found a solution to my doldrums. Taco Bell has recently decided Koala and Eucalyptus burritos are actually pretty unpalatable, and now they have to unload a herd of surplus Koalas.
   What I know of Koalas I learned online, it seems that they are a cross between a piranha and a wolverine. I’ll start an underground koala fight club and sell tickets to watch and bet on the bloodbath. I’ll tie knives to their already dangerous paws and throw two of the bloodthirsty little bastards in a ring and let them fight it out. The victor will eat the heart of the loser. If I could just get them to wake up.

It's the cold dead eyes.

Jeopardy Champion.

I have always loved Jeopardy. There is just something about a competition pitting brain power that is appealing to me. And I would love to be on the show, but unfortunately I was facing one minor setback. I couldn't think my was out of a paper bag. I am just really, really, not smart. Me being on Jeaopardy with two other contestants would be me bringing a knife to a gun fight, or possibly me bringing a pointy stick to a tank battle.
   But what I lack in brains, I make up for in determination and sneakiness. First step, I set about to find some dirt on the contestant admissions coordinator. Turns out he was easy to blackmail, just slid him a couple of pictures of him on the "Fluffy Farm" from down in Mexico. Wow, that was way easier than I planned. I was on the show. Next step, win some money.
   The day of the show arrived, and my two competitors were the Wonder-dork twins. A man and a woman separated at birth, doctors or something. My plan was going to work out perfectly. When the first answer was read, I managed to buzz in before the others. And said loudly and confidently, "What is, I will punch the other contestants in the throat if they buzz in before me?"Alex told me that was the incorrect response, to the longest river in South America.  Nobody else had a guess. When the next answer came up I again buzzed in first and proclaimed, "I will give you such a titty twister." as I looked into my competitions face. Again, wrong. The question was actually "What is onomatopoeia?"The other contestants fidgeted uncomfortably, but didn't answer.
    That is when I started to realize that my plan had a fatal flaw. Even though I had stopped the other contestants from answering, I didn't know any of the right responses. I was going in the hole every time I opened up my mouth. By the time the first commercial break happened I had a negative $10,000. I would have to intimidate Trebek.
   After the commercial break, Alex comes over and asks the contestants some random crap about their boring stupid lives. "So you like to make collages out of soda caps?" "I hear you once saved an entire school bus full of children?" And then he got to me. "So… you're a troglodyte." And I said "What is I'll stab you in the face if I don't get some easier questions Trebek?" The words were barely out of my mouth when Alex's spinning back kick smashed into my face. Apparently, Alex is a ninth level blackbelt in Ninjitsu. About the same time my competitors found their nerve and I was hit with a taser from one side and mace from the other.
   When did nerds get so violent? Needless to say, I didn't win. I was drug off the set and dumped unceremoniously commissary dumpster. But the best part is that I am now an part of Jeopardy lore, and if you ever get on the show and they want to know who the worst contestant ever was. Flip McFliperson is the answer. Or the question. Or whatever.

*Also; I hate J. Here are some of the topics that I chose and then rejected as my J entry for this year, several that I even wrote several paragraphs for. Jell-O Artist. Jarhead. Juggalo Society And Culture Editor. Juggler To The Stars. Jerk Lessons. 
   Ugh, J sucks. I move that we strike it from the alphabet. 

Idiots For Books For Idiots.

Books for idiots have sold alot of books: probably like 50 or a gazillion, i'm not sure, i'm not very good with my letters and other math stuff but, they sure do right alot of them - they're are book for idiots and computers and book for idiots on internets and a book on the world white web and other book for brain's surgery and like 7 other one. Literally a tons; And up until last day i worked they're for money; i worked in that part of the place that was inside and they told me two red the book too sea if i understand it; that taked two long for those yelly guys and sew they readed it for me but not in there heads; and then that guy with shoes and that other guy that also had shoes axed me if i was infirmed about the subjects they had told me; i told them i still wasn't sure how too put a log into the top of my lap with a puss wart? They says I am isn't as smart as a idiot, and kicked me outside of the inside part; then after they told me I wasn't gotten any monies from them but gave me a book for instead; they telled me i should read the words inside of the book before i do other stuffs.

Helmet Safety Inspector. or PETA Gives Me A Headache. or Monkey Business.

I had this really sweet job. I made sure helmets were up to current safety standards. Chippy put on a helmet, I stood a safe distance away and pressed a button. A 50lb. weight dropped on Chippy's head, and if  he was unharmed the helmet passed inspection.
   And then PETA got involved, and now I have to quit because of my chronic headaches. Stupid PETA.

Giraffe Detangler.

It is common knowledge that giraffes have the longest necks in the animal kingdom. Long and skinny... and bendy. And everyone knows that unattended long, skinny, bendy things, inevitably manage to tie themselves into knots. Exactly like the earbud cords from your iPhone.
   And it thus follows that giraffes are constantly getting their necks all tangled up. Since I've never seen a giraffe all pretzeled up, somebody must be unknotting them. And those somebodies are probably getting paid handsomely for their detangling skills. But whenever I go down to the zoo, to let them know I know what's up, and that I want a job, because I can untie a giraffe with the best of them, they always pretend they don't know what I am talking about, and claim that giraffes don't suffer from this malady and that I should leave before they call security. Selfish bastards, I know that they just don't want to share with me. But if your giraffe is suffering from a snarled neck, call me. My rates are totally reasonable.

Fear Therapy Will Cure What Ails You.

Americans spend literally bazillions of dollars every year on therapy and drugs to treat various mental maladies. We are a neurotic and fearful lot. Psychologists and Psychiatrists study for years and charge insanely exorbitant prices to help alleviate our fears. Many people can't afford to be cured.
   What if I told you there was another, cheaper, option? Come to me, and I'll fix you right up. Sure, I don't have any of the training, but I only charge half as much. And I'm relatively sure that my therapy is just as effective. Probably.
   Through my patent pending fear therapy we get you to address your fears and then conquer them with support and understanding. For instance, if your biggest fear is clowns, we will put you in a relaxing room full of soft pillows and peaceful music, and then a half naked clown wielding a chainsaw will bust in through the wall and attack you. As you struggle for your very life your brain will develop strategies that will help it overcome it's baseless fear.
   And if you are having abandonment issues, OCD, or Agoraphobia, we can help as well. We simply put you in a relaxing room full of soft pillows and peaceful music and then a naked clown will attack you with a chainsaw. Because; what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Elbow Polish For The Young Supple Looking Elbows Of The Stars.

What separates you from your favorite celebrity? Aside from the restraining orders, and the unnecessarily violent and aggressive bodyguards, (Yes, I'm talking about you Bruno, stomping on my man parts while pepper spraying my face, was uncalled for, There are unwritten rules, man.) and the talent, and the reality shows, and the looks, and the "accidentally" released sex tapes, and the plastic surgery, and the ceaseless drive to be in the public consciousness?
    That's right! Young looking elbows. That's why I came up with Flip's Elbow Polish. With liberal applications of our patent pending polish, your elbows will soon have that confident appealing look of all todays hottest Hollywood elbows. Goodbye dingy, yellowing, scuffed, aging, discolored elbows. Hello new, sparkling, taut, shiny, perfect elbows. Before long you'll be mistaken for Scarlett Johansson.* Possibly.** And your life will be perfect, limited guarantee.*** Not for use on knees, shoulders, knuckles or ankles.****
   Order yours today. For only 42 simple payments of $49.99, you can purchase 2 ounces of panacea. And start rubbing elbows with the stars.

*Not an endorsement, Scarlett Johansson does not use Flip's Elbow Polish. Probably. But she does have very nice elbows. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. I mean I don't think it's possible for them to be that nice without enhancement. But if she say's she doesn't use elbow polish, we'll just have to take her word for it. (Flip's Elbow Polish.)
**Most certainly not.
***Not guaranteed in any way whatsoever. 
****No, seriously. If you use Flip's Elbow Polish on knees it will cause a rift in the space time continuum that will bring about the end of life as we know it. 


Here is the first time that elbow polish made an appearance in HILL BLOCKS VIEW. How To Throw An Office Christmas Party.

Dirt Nap Arranger.

For millennia, mankind embraced Mother Earth as healer and nurturer of our very essence. We slept in her bosom and she protected us and gave us sustenance. And in return we gave her offerings of love and respect. And then the mysogensitic Industrial Revolution happened and we left Gaia behind for the violence and vain insubstantiality of machines and technology. And in return we reaped, fear and hate and war. And despaired. Yet our Mother still yearned for us to come back and rest in her loving arms.
   And that is why I opened Earth's Loving Embrace, Dirt Naps. Where for a relatively small amount of worldly currency, you can come to my restive peaceful secluded patch of land and sleep as we were intended to, in an earthen hole, surrounded by the warm smells of roots and clay and loam, in the grasp of our benevolent matron/nurturer.
    That is why, Mr Tony "The Face Stabber" Lianuzzi, that I do not feel that you are entitled to a refund. Just because you hired me to give Lenny "The Back-Stabbing-Turncoat-Snitch-Dirty-Meatball-Scumbag-Lying-Weasel" Tortelli, a Dirt Nap, and he declined, it is not my fault. If your friend does not feel the need to get back in touch with his primitive feminine side, there is nothing I can do. What do you expect me to do, force him at gunpoint?!
   Speaking of guns, do you know some gentlemen from Efbeyie? There have been some rather severe looking men in solemn attire sniffing around lately, asking a lot of questions. Those testosterone laden jackboots, seem to think we are involved in some nefarious dealings.

Cardinal Richelieu, Your Way To The Top.

As far as I can tell Cardinal Richelieu, was a rock star. Rich, powerful, and influential. He's long dead, he probably won't mind if I be him. Now I'm not smart enough to learn French, but because of my lifelong love affair with Monty Python, I can affect an outrageous French accent. And I look pretty good in a goatee and pointy mustache, or at least good in a douchey kind of way.
   So I shaped my facial hair, converted to Catholicism, decided I couldn't wait to work my way up the ladder, changed my name to Cardinal Richelieu, bought a really fetching robe and practiced some diabolical phrases such as "Teach him a lesson... teach him to die, Buahahahaha," and "Can I get a cup of coffee please, cream and sugar, Muahahahaha." And then I set out in the world to wield my unholy power.
   Turns out there is still a fortune to be had by a fake Cardinal meddling in the affairs of government, these days. I started with the generous amount I got from the local council, and all I had to do was clean up after their weekly meeting and I cleared $20. And the library kicked me back, all I could drink coffee, for simply putting books away in my spare time. My big score came about in a particularly seedy back room deal, whereas I got some money from a government construction contract, and all I had to do was dig ditches for sixteen hours a day. BUAHAHAhahahaha.

Beekeeping Should Be Sweet.

Honey is one of the best things in the entire world. I love to smear it on toast, or stir a tablespoon of it into a cup of tea. But the price of honey these days has just gotten ridiculous. Those fat cat beekeepers are just sitting back and getting rich off of my sweet tooth. But no more. Instead, I'm going to raise my own bees. I can have all the honey I want, and sell what's left over. It's a win/win situation.

    If an ant can lift one hundred times his weight, a bee can probably make a hundred times his weight in honey everyday. That's probably about a cup. So fifty bees should about cover my daily use. And then I just need another fifty bees so I can have some liquid gold to sell. 

   I set out to the park with a glass jar, and had an easy time catching the first bee. I just scooped him up and closed the lid. But the second proved more difficult. Every time I opened the jar to catch the second, the first flew out. I'm gonna need more jars. 

   After several weeks, I finally had my hundred bees, in a hundred jars. I want my bees to be free range so I set them up in my spare bedroom and took the lids off of the jars. The bees buzzed about, exploring their new territory. I gave them some empty honey bottles to fill and sat back and waited. 

   Nothing. Not one drop on honey. Lazy damn ungrateful bees. I spent all this time, rescuing them from the streets and giving them a nice roof over their tiny heads, and this is how they repay… Wait a minute. Maybe they're not like chickens, maybe they're like cows. They're not gonna just fill up the bottles themselves, I'm gonna have to milk them. Silly me. 

   

Acrobatic Circus Performer.

One summer, as young men are wont to do, I ran away to join the circus. I wanted to see the world and earn my fortune. But after only a couple of hours my wife and kids tracked me down and dragged me back home. Walmart had called them and told them that I was hanging out in the camping section rambling on about circus tents being smaller than I'd imagined.

   So joining the circus was out. But that didn't mean I couldn't have my very own death defying acrobatic troupe in my very own back yard. I could perform feats of derring do for my friends and neighbors, for a small fee. I began to train tirelessly. And by train tirelessly I mean I put on a leotard  and did a couple of somersaults, and then stopped once I got tired. 

   I was ready for my first show. I sold tickets to my immediate family, for the inaugural show, but I shouldn't have priced them so high, because I had to loan them money so they could afford good seats, and by the time I scalped the tickets I was flat broke. But once word of show got out, I was sure I would make it all back. 

   I started off with some basic circus stuff. Juggling flaming knives, high diving into a kiddie pool, and wrangling dangerous animals. The audience wasn't pleased; they grew bored and resultless. I think the real reason is because today's circus going crowd is so cynical and hard to please, but they claimed it was because I had to make a three or four hour trip to the emergency room between each act. I was in danger of losing my audience so I pulled out all the stops and decided to finish with a grand finale that was so great it would make them puke. My world famous blind unicycle high wire act. 

   I climbed up on the roof with my unicycle and thanked my lucky stars for the cable that the city had so conveniently and thoughtfully, attached to my roof, knowing that I would someday become a world famous acrobat. I placed my blindfold over my eyes, grabbed my unicyle and launched myself off into my act, and I knew that I had finally succeeded in impressing my audience because I heard my wife scream in appreciation. Something about me being Electric, a real live wire.