I consolidated the stories about Fred.


...long live, Hill Blocks View. I miss writing. But the thought of one more round of "welcome backs", or obsessing over stats, or thinking of the clever response to a comment, or the obligation to read everyone else's blog... not so much. So I'll try and write. No pressure. If you feel the need to respond, you can email me. I like email. flipaul@yahoo.com

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Nutritionist To The Rich And Famous.

*flip is currently chronicling his attempts to get rich. Oddly enough, flip's exploits are being recounted alphabetically. (That's A-Z, for the uninitiated.) flip is also referring to himself in the third person. ' Cause flip's just cool like that.

Because I am slender, people will frequently ask if they can buy some meth off of me. When I tell them that I don't actually use meth, they frequently pull a gun on me, and demand that I produce, said meth. (After all, I live in Albuquerque, the celebrated meth paradise of AMC's Breaking Bad.) Seven times out of ten, I don't get pistol whipped, and the conversation invariably turns to my diet regimen. After enduring countless inquiries on my caloric intake, I decided to publish my diet. One, because I believe in helping your fellow man, and two, to make some sweet cash. Here is my diet in a nutshell, please send money. Which I may or may not use to buy beer with.
   1) Breakfast: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Make sure to have a balanced diet of coffee. Unless you're on vacation, then a beer is a suitable substitute. A beer is also OK on an extended weekend. Or a regular one. Or if you don't have anything particularly pressing to do at work that day. Mondays. Mondays are almost always an acceptable day for beer breakfasts. But for goodness sake don't skip breakfast, 'cause it's like really important or something.
   2) Lunch: I prefer to eat healthy for lunch. Usually I just have a beer or two, and a stick of gum. The beers are for me, the gum is for my customers. You should save the gum for after the beers, otherwise it defeats the purpose. And since gum has almost NO calories, you can probably afford another beer.
   3) Dinner: At this point you should have some actual solid food.  A day old pizza or a Taco Bell burrito or a cigarette. AND THEN a beer. You don't want to deprive yourself, that's when you fall off the wagon. And the key to my diet, is rewarding yourself for making sensible diet decisions. But mostly beer.
   4) Dessert: I don't know... try a beer.

*In all likelihood your liver will decide to relocate to a less toxic location, say Chernobyl. To combat this, question your liver's manhood and call it a bi-atch. That almost always works. If not, have a beer and sign up for an organ transplant. At least you'll be thin.