A house can be the most expensive piece of art that many people will ever buy. That's why so many home builders bear artsy names: Renaissance Builders, DaVinci Fine Custom Homes, Bob Ross's Happy Homes, Van Gogh Deluxe Homes and Kindergarden Mike's Finger Painting Homes (maybe that's not the best example) to name a few.
I recently convinced some acquaintances with too much money and a love of art to allow me to build them a home worthy of Picasso, perhaps the greatest artist ever. (Excluding Thomas Kinkaide of course. And whoever first put Elvis on crushed black velvet; that guy is a freaking genius.) They agreed to allow me total freedom and anonymity to create my masterpiece, and in six short years I was finished. With great anticipation I unveiled their new beautiful abode, and gave them a tour.
UNCULTURED HEATHENS! As much as they claimed to be art lovers, in reality they were just like all other visionless sheep. Instead of heaping accolades on me, they have slapped me with a lawsuit. Here are some of their ridiculous complaints.
1) They object to the front door being seven feet of the ground. I was just pointing out that as much as we pretend, we don't want everybody to have access to our hearts.
2) They couldn't understand why all the bedrooms are in the basement and filled with water. What is a bedroom other than a womb? A womb is filled with fluid. How can you not get that?
3) They complain that the hanging stairs don't go anywhere. They do. They lead to the ceiling. If that isn't a statement on the human condition, I don't know what is. We are all struggling up life's steps and it is meaningless.
4) They say that toilets don't go in the kitchen. On the wall. Says who? Convention? Great works of art defy convention.
5) They object to all the windows in the house hanging from the ceiling and the walls and laying on the floor. If you can't see the symbolic aspects of windows, then you are a soulless swine and I hate you.
And this was just the first page of complaints. I must rest in the knowledge that great artists are hardly ever recognized in their own time. But in the future I'll totally be infamous. That's good right?!
