Each office has it's own ecosystem. It's own pecking order. It's often a reflection of society at large. The one thing you don't often see, is the overtly criminal element that all societies have.
I aim to rectify that. Starting today, all office pools run through me. Anybody tries to cut in on my action, gets shanked with an official sharpened Dilbert® slide ruler.
This sure is a nice desk. It would be a shame if your stapler was to disappear, or your Trolls® suddenly decided to take a nap with the goldfishes, or if the goldfishes decided to take a nap with some Wasabi sauce, or if your spreadsheets were to lose a formula. That's right for only $5.99 a week, I'll offer you protection... from me. (Wait. Is that right? That seems a little weird. How can I be sure I won't mess up that desk as soon as my back is turned?)
Drugs. From now on all drugs run through me. Aspirin, Tums, and Motrin can be had for $1 a pop. The harder stuff is free, the first time. Once you're on the Aleve you won't be able to stop, and then you're mine.
I haven't really got a plan for the prostitution arm of my criminal organization. I thought maybe I'd try to talk to "Tight Pants" Pablo down in receiving, he doesn't seem to be very discriminating. And he always needs money to travel to his Karaoke contests. (If I hear The Children Are Our Future, one more time...)
Well, the Office Mafia is set up, with me as the Kingpin. I'll add criminal enterprises as my influence spreads, in no time at all, I'll be rolling in my ill gotten gains. My office today, your office tomorrow, the world... a week from next Tuesday. Probably.
*Update: Mary-Elizabeth from the secretary pool is already the Don(na?) of the Office Mafia. She didn't take kindly to me infringing on her territory. She had Sally-Sue and Wanda-Mae-Jenny-Ann work me over pretty good with archived TP reports. They scar your soul, but don't leave a mark. Also I'm pretty sure that I am now the office Ho, Mary-Elizabeth grabbed my butt and told me "that sweet little hiney is mine, to do with as I please." Oh Dilbert®, patron saint of office peons, please take me now.
